award

Thanks for the shout out Kate. I haven't had anything to write it seems so been really quiet over here. All I can think to say it BLAH blah I hate waiting BLAH flurg. Ugh. So not very interesting.

SO LETS ANSWER QUESTIONS!!! Except I am gonna skip 2-3. Sorry I am just NOOOooo fun!!! I know!

The Rules which I shall thwart forthwith:

1. You Can Only Use One Word! (HA!)
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Your hair? ponytail
3. Your mother? creative
4. Your father? wise
5. Your favorite food? salsa
6. Your dream last night? bazaar and work related
7. Your favorite drink? wine
8. Your dream/goal? baby
9. What room are you in? office/man room
10. Your hobby? fretting (me too!)
11. Your fear? failure, debt
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? family
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? carefree and it seems I am not much fun even anymore
15. Muffins? nah
16. Wish list item? gas stove
17. Where did you grow up? Texas
18. Last thing you did? watched Grey's Anatomy online
19. What are you wearing? longsleeve tshirt and workout pants
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pets? dog, mocha
22. Friends? missing them!
23. Your life? good except when it sucks rocks (ditto!)
24. Your mood? cranky (for some reason)
25. Missing someone? hubby
26. Vehicle? camry
27. Something you’re not wearing? earrings
28. Your favorite store? Kohls
29. Your favorite color? cerulean
30. When was the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? um... last Sunday
32. Your best friend(s)? I don't get to see them enough!
33. One place that I go to over and over? home
34. One person who emails me regularly? mom, sister, dee
35. Favorite place to eat? it's a long list! currently it is Chuy's but it changes day to day

Thanks for having me play. Maybe one day I will have something interesting to say. C.CRM did call me today to "check in" whatever that means. Yes, I want to come over Spring Break but that is too far away so I have to WAIT until after the first of the year.

Until then I am doing baby showers, wedding showers, bachelorette parties, college football games, then head of house party at a wedding, then bridesmaid in a wedding, then Christmas. I live my life to pass the time which is SO VERY SAD. I want to stop doing that. But it seems like the hardest thing on earth. The. hardest. thing.

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy....

If you like country music (which being in Texas are we the ONLY ones?) then you have heard this song. Man I looooveeee that song and it gets stuck in my head. So true!!

So loooonnnggg time and no posting for me. I don't have a lot to say so just keeping quiet. It has hit me lately than in about 3 months I will be 31 and I have done nothing IF related since February. Kinda depressing. REALLY depressing. I really am trying to be patient but still be in the now. It is hard.

God is great... even when you can't understand why or how. I have had such fun seeing some people get pregnant but then some people have had horrible, saddening, gut wrenching losses. I don't understand it. But still, God is great. I know He is. And they know He is too.

Beer is good... which is probably why I haven't posted a lot, heee! We've been livin' like we are in college lately. It is fun I must say! More carefree than we have been in a long time. It is kinda hurtin' the pocket book but for some reason I don't want to say "no we can't go" anymore. I have said that for (GASSSPPPP) six years [5.5 technically to make myself feel better].

And people are crazy... I joined a gym. Apparently a money tree is growing in my backyard. But I really need to lose weight and tone up. It is not only critical for the babymaking next year but also for an upcoming wedding where I have to wear a mermaid style dress. YES THAT IS WHAT I SAID. Let's just say I am short and more than a little curvy and that dress is going look like ass on me. I could lose 30 pounds and it would still look bad. It doesn't even flatter the size 4s!! BUT GOD IS GREAT AND BEER IS GOOD... and guess what? People are crazy! especially brides!! The beer will be especially good the night of that wedding ;-)

Also other people are crazy. Family members are crazy. People that you think are your good friends are a little crazy. And they sometimes, I guess, just don't care for you that much anymore and move on to what they feel are better things or friends or whatever. Ah well, what to do? Not much. The problem is that I figure this out... then time passes.... then we see them again and it is like I have to learn it all over again. Why am I so dumb? gah! I feel that this is a sign that I truly am a forgiving person because it is like my brain resets and I keep coming back for more. This has been a pattern in past relationships as well. What gives? and thank GOD I found a decent husband despite this trait of mine.

I still have not called colorado and tried to make my spring break appointment or try to find out by the checklist I received a round about cost for the work up. Or you know just in general tell them I want to be their patient? I am in denial and avoidance has seemed like the best thing. "People are crazy" most definitely includes me.

BUT I do think we are going skiing in January and then possibly to Vegas after we do the workup in CO. Although I told hubs I don't think I will feel much like gambling after all the money we will spend on that. But we shall see!! I am excited to possibly get to go skiing. We were asked last year but I freaked out because I wasn't sure about exactly when we would be doing IVF and so I said we couldn't go. At least we get a second chance.

Sorry for the very spacey and rambly post ... but that is life as of late. Hope you are all well!

BLARGH

That is a new word in case you didn't know. At least according to me and my coworker. A mix between BLAH and ARGH and UGH and LARGE. BLARGH. And it is not for blog, it is for a mix of all those things I said. Just a really big blah! and UGH! all at the same time.

That is how I feel lately.

So vacation was good. Soooooo. sooooo. SooooooooooOOOOOOO. good. And I think that is why I am now very disgruntled with everyday life. I will take another of those please. Please?

So a few pics for ya. Although I have not revealed any pics of ME ever. Not sure I am ready to do so at this point. I have no idea why. Don't question the crazy ok? hmmm kkk

I give you the port of Miami:

Look back at all the condos.

Pretty sailboats.

There was a complete rainbow when we left!!!

Cabbage Beach on Paradise Island, Nassau, Bahamas:

We took a cab and were let out at a public beach. There were tons of people but if you walked down there was no one! It didn't say private beach so we kept going. The water was awesome. Like a swimming pool!! We walked all the way to the point you can see in the pic above.

When we got down to the point it was amazing. Too bad we didn't have snorkel gear!

Looking back at the Atlantis Resort.

I give you Cococay, Bahamas:You'll have to excuse me... I was in love with the coconut trees!!

I just couldn't stop taking pictures of them!

(and also have no idea how I turned underline on or how to turn it off, haha!!)

I enjoyed this uncrowded beach immensly. It was just right around the corner from everyone else all squished in this one place. I didn't understand it. Other than I guess the bar was really far from this spot.... or I guess people just didn't want to walk that far? just like on Cabbage Beach? no idea! it was beautiful and I was so happy I pretty much had it to myself.

And then the wonderful Key West:

Aaaah yeah, my husband was not going to wait in line to take a picture with this so we just kept moving. We ended up renting bikes to ride around the island. I loved riding the bikes!! might be my favorite part of the whole trip.

Key West beach is not as impressive when you have seen the Bahamas already. But it was still better than Texas!!

I like mine with lettuce and tomato, somethin somethin, and french fried potatoes. Cheese burger in paradise ah ah ahhhhh.

and of course had to have Key Lime Pie

And don't forget South Beach (where apparently I also video'd a necked ladeh... hey I just thought my husband was giving me the regular wierd look!! haha!)

It was a really hazy day on Miami Beach and we were tired. So not the greatest pics from that experience.

I just thought this was funny... for some reason. Saving lives is not really funny but I kinda wanted to see it happen.

Versace mansion

And we would go back in a heart beat. Husband is already scouting a cruise out of San Juan. Man... babies you cost alotta money. Do you know how many cruises I could go on? I know you are worth it in the end. But I will so show you these pictures one day and tease you anyway. Hee heee.

I think also we have decided we will do a work up at CCRM on spring break. And possibly take a trip from Denver to Vegas. Ah the best laid plans, right? Well I hope it does work out. Texas to Colorado. Are we crazy? cuz I feel like people are gonna think we are.

Vacation

Hello! Sweet Kate left me a note the other day to see what I am up to. And I guess I have been taking a blog vacation and worrying about doctor and babies vacation. Well, as much of a vacation you can take from it I guess! It is of course still always on my mind. But I haven't had a lot to say....

I have been watching so many I follow get pregnant and then some with losses. I am so happy for you that got positives and all you are experiencing, that is amazing and gives me such great hope that it will happen for me too in time. And then some with losses that just break my heart. I don't feel like I have words great enough to make you feel better. But I am still paying attention, just haven't known what to say.

Also, I am getting ready for a real life vacation in 8 days. Cruise to the Bahamas! I am sooooooooooo excited and the hubby is too. This will be the first big trip we have taken all by ourselves in quite sometime! Since 2003 I think. I have spent an ungodly amount of money and time just "preparing" for the trip. You know tanning (I know its bad, but really I HAD TO or people would be seriously blinded), working out, counting calories, now this week time to get my hair did, bikini wax (oy! but some PCOS girls, we got no choice!!), and then I keep debating on a pedicure. I probably will, I have alot of blisters from working out. But I hope it will all be worth it... It feels good to think about that stuff and splurge on myself a little. But in the back of my mind I feel a little guilty too. Like I could pay bills or for IVF with that! But you know, sometimes you just need a break.

We still debate what our next move it is in the baby making department. We still consider the ovarian drilling but then again I haven't called my insurance company to see if they will cover that or if they might cover some of the diagnostic testing at CCRM. I don't know why I am being such a lazy bum over here. I suppose I have needed the time off from it all. I feel like I have just been waiting for that moment of clarity where a plan falls into place. I just want one to fall in my lap actually. HAHA!

I have had a recent moment of clarity, or so I thought, on the grad school front. I was thinking Instructional Design or something along those lines maybe specializing in distance education at a college of something. It kinda fits what I have done (during college student worker for an instructional design dept/center and then student worker for distance ed, then first full time job was computer training manager, now grant proposal admin) and also goes into the education field although not being a teacher already might kinda mean I wouldn't qualify for some jobs ... basically hubby wants me to go into teaching because guess what he is doing these days?! NOTHING, he is on vacation. Lucky dawwwwggggg.

Hope everyone is having a good summer. I have to say mine is going pretty good!! and I only have to work 4 days this week. WOOHOOOoooooo!

aware

Continuing with the one word descriptive titles, well yes I am.

So first a lengthy disclaimer. I know I sound really very sad and depressed here. And I really rant and am all whoa is me and look at my poor situation. And I don't think of myself as being that way in real life. Or I don't perceive myself to be that way, maybe others could tell you differently. I sometimes feel odd, bad, embarrassed, afraid, confused and other things about what I post here. But it's my place to do that. And many people IRL say I apologize WAY too much already. So I won't say I am sorry. I will just say this is my place I let out frustrations. And if you were all sick of reading I would absolutely understand. I guess I feel like saying this in part because I notice that a "follower" had taken themselves off and I was like why did they do that? and well they probably were tired of reading this shmack. I understand completely. I absolutely do. But I still need a place to get it out and if it no one reads then at least I have it out of my head. To hopefully stay out of my mind so that I can move on.

On the outside IRL, I try to seem like I am not bothered by most things. People are annoying - not a problem, they are who they are. Things at work are stupid, who cares, I just work here. I can't change it, just roll with it. I let things go and say whatever to them. Then eventually the situation BUILDs UP. And then I am mad and I am unhappy and think to myself HOW in the hell did I get here? Everything was just fine 5 minutes ago. Why am I upset now? (and others are looking at themselves going - why is she upset now too) I have NO REASON to be upset or annoyed or perturbed. People don't like people who are negative or complain. Or people who complain and then DO NOTHING. I certainly don't like those people. But sadly in some cases I am just exactly that person.

I really am so annoyed with my job.

And I have been there before.

And I have done nothing about it.

I feel this loyalty to where I am. I get ample vacation and sick time. My bosses praise me for the most part. No questions really asked when I need to be off for doctor stuff. My coworkers like me, as far as I know, and they stop by to chat all the time. I am close friends with many of them. But honestly. I can't stand working there anymore. And if anyone else I new (if my husband for example) complained and bitched and moaned as much as I do about it I would say to them - what are you going to do about it? DO SOMETHING. But I am very aware that I am not doing anything about it. And somehow eventually it will pass and I will be content again. Content with the status quo. This has not been me in the past. But it is somehow me now and I am acutely aware.

I am also aware that I can't DO anything infertility wise at the moment. Is that the thing that keeps me where I am? scared I can't do anything else because I would compromise that? or just too chicken to see IF I could do something else? What a risk to move to another job and what audacity to think I can even get another one in this economic climate? These are the things I am aware of right now.

My husband is a great man who has accomplished a lot and who I love. There are many times where he asks me why I love him and I have an extremely hard time (oddly) telling him WHY and giving concrete examples. I mean I just do without explanation. But there are times when I know why and I wish I could grab a note pad and right it down really quickly so later I can tell him. Well tonight were a few. He said he felt out of place with any group of people he is with sometimes because he is not wholly and solely one type of person but can blend with most groups and contribute with different sides of his personality. But he doesn't feel like he ever fits in with one specific group. I feel the same way! But with him I feel like I fit exactly. And that is why I love him.

Another thing, this weekend I was at the friends house I mentioned (yes I did tell her and it was way more anticlimactic than you (or I) would think, will have to post separately over that) and she had some other friends over. They kept going on about their brothers girlfriend and how they didn't like her (for some good reasons I might add). And how in the world would you want to spend every minute with your significant other ALL the time. I agree in part - girl time is excellent, I love it and most certainly enjoy it. But I love to be with my husband. I feel the best when I am with him, the most at ease and just like me. And that is another reason I love him. That he can offer that to me is amazing to me. And to offer it unconditionally for the past 7 years is incredible.

Another reason for my love -- he believes in me. He thinks I can do something bigger and something better than my job now and says so when I complain. He wants the best for me if only I will reach for it. If only I can become aware enough to figure out what that thing is that I want to do. That I would want to wake up every single day and do. I know a lot of people out there don't do exactly what they want to do every day - but there are those who DO actually know and do specifically what they set out to do. And I really want to know how that feels one day.

Today was one of those days where there was acute awareness - what am I doing, why am I here, where am I going? But what will I do to answer these things? Ah, if I only had all the answers to career and family. Now that would be something.

consult

I have a thing for one word titles these days.
{and I thought I would try out a new font...}

~~~warning really terribly rambly and exceptionally ranty edition~~~

So we had our consult with C.CR.M last night. I really don't know what to say about it, it left me in a weird place to some degree. I had finally kinda got in the groove of just trying to enjoy my life and not worry and constantly think of this infertility crap and have hope and patience that some day it will happen for us. But in light of the recent announcement in the family I am feeling blue. And so I thought the consult would help that and now it kinda also left me feeling blue.

So we talked to the infamous Dr. Sch.oolc.raft and he was very nice. I summed up our history and all that and it basically boils down to we don't know if my eggs are good and we don't know if there are chromosomal issues. But he does think it is best to try at one more lab before we give up or move on to possibly donor eggs. I knew he was going to say donor eggs, I just KNEW it. GAH. Not that I have a problem with DEs really I just don't know if it is for me or what my husband thinks about it. BLAH BLAH move on to the part where he says that obviously something is very wrong if you only get 2 blasts out of however many (31 but who is counting!?) eggs over 2 cycles. How about some truth for you? You didn't want to hear the truth? Well too bad. So there it was, I could barely talk after that. Like what do you say to that, the man is quite obviously right but I don't want him to be right. I wanted him to say come on up here and we can make you preggo!!!! Yeah, as we all know that didn't happen.

He is not a fan of the ovarian drilling but I knew that was coming too. It would not mean they would not treat us but he wasn't sure how that might possibly affect the Shared Risk Financing which is through a third party and they decide who they will or will not accept.

So then aside from we don't know if you can even make good healthy embryos, there is the cost of the whole damn thing. Which we have no money for and I have no ideas of how to get. So husband goes into thinking mode and I am just still in my quiet place of I don't know what to do but I want to DO IT despite all logical thinking.

So his idea - sell our house and live only on his salary while saving mine for the IVF starting in September. In theory a very good plan. But I want to say to him - have you met us? The two of us? We can't even keep to our own 'allowances' under control each month. And you want us to try one salary? I do think he is right that it could work, however I just think we will get into the middle of it and he will get frustrated, which will frustrate ME, and we won't save a dime.

Also I can't tell if the husband may be ready to give up. Which is NOT a place where I am currently. People spend lots and lots of money on very stupid, stupid things all the time and this is not even a STUPID thing but it does cost lots and lots of money. And I know he is right that we don't need to go into more debt, but damn it all, that means I have to wait some MORE and what if in the mean time something ELSE bad happens that affects my (in)fertility? I can't wait around, we need to get on this.

I realize I am being really, terribly, irritably negative right now. And I liked the doctor, he was nice, and I agree we need to try somewhere else and I agree we need to try to save the money and have it up front. But right now I can't seem to focus on the big picture, rather I am focused on the time frame I have to keep waiting right NOW. I told my husband I compare trying to save that much money to losing weight. I really want to say I accomplished that goal. Yet, I am still 20 lbs over weight and we still spend too much money on stupid crap or are paying for crap we did years ago.

Tomorrow is a new day. Where I get to go spend the weekend with my newly pregnant friend that is family. I am sure that will bring me back in an even more negative mood. And I am also face with do I tell her about all that we have been doing and just come completely heartbreakingly clean on all fronts? I am sure they have an idea about some things we just haven't confirmed it. But truth of the matter is that if we have to do all this we will have to tell everyone anyway. So why not start now?

I wish God could whisper in my ear exactly what to do.

better

Ok that last post was so HORRIBLE but was true to what I was feeling at the moment.

They came, I lived, it was fine. What can I do? I can't do anything about it. They want me to be OK and I get that. But it is just hard and especially when I just want it to be easy. I don't want it to be awkward for them. And I don't want to feel awkward either. We didn't discuss it at length because we were going out so I said I wanted to talk about it later though. I just didn't want to get all worked up and ruin the night. I will be going next weekend to see her anyway and we will be alone so I just figured we could talk more then.

I mean how much should I explain? I feel like I want to talk about it, but will I somehow hurt her feelings possibly? I don't want to do that. I just want to explain that as hard as it is and will be to hear everything I want to be part of it all. Does that even make sense? And she doesn't want to hurt MY feelings. So I feel like we will be in one big don't make anyone feel bad circle.

I think the fear and anticipation of seeing them was worse than the actual visit. The visit was normal. I am also having a hard time imagining her pregnant. I don't know what that is... I guess I just want to know how that feels and with IF preggers I get all the details on their blogs. But with people who just get pregnant easy you don't tend to get all those details, know what I mean?

Sometimes I am just one big conflict. I say I don't want to know or talk about it, but then I DO.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I really do appreciate it and I know you all understand. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

reality

Our closest friends who happen to be family, as I call them, are pregnant.

And I don't know how to deal.

I knew it would happen.

I knew it would happen soon.

And they emailed my husband so he could break the news to me. She would have called me on the way home from work today but he said he would tell me instead. They wanted to let us know before they tell everyone else.

And I am just so broken when I should be happy and supportive and joyful. And I should have called them to say just that. And instead I am ugly. I can't stop crying. I knew this would happen. I knew this would tear my world apart and I didn't want it to. I don't want it to but I can't stop it. I feel like I can't stop it.

And they will be here. Tomorrow. To stay with us. It's been planned for a while so there is no excuse to get out of it. No way to avoid it. No way to have time to absorb it. To move past how hurt I am that it is not me (again).

I don't even feel like me with how jealous I am. And I feel like I shouldn't even say that but it is true. It is just brutally honest. I hate who this journey makes me some days. I am not who or how I want to be when I feel like this.

I wanted to have babies at the same time. I want to be able to share this with her and be close about it but now I can't. It just feels so impossible. And if our IVF would have worked both of us would be pregnant at the same time. It would be possible to feel normal. To feel so excited that our kids would grow up together.

And people treat us differently. Everyone in the family wants us to be OK and they don't want to hurt us. And I know it. But it still hurt me no matter what. My husband can put on a great face and say all the right things and keep his feelings below the surface. I just want to say nothing because I feel like everything I say will just be wrong and the emotion is right there. It just takes one little tiny thing for it to show. So I keep quiet. And know that that will be judged too. Quietness. Hopelessness is what it is. Being scared to say anything for the flood of tears that could follow. So I just sit there and say nothing, scared some one will see the jealousy and hurt. And for some reason I don't want them to see. And why?

The reality of it all is here now. I kept it away for a while.

And yes, we can keep trying. And we probably will. But at what cost? They did it in 3 months, we are going on 6 years. Reality is so unfair. And it will be one year at the very least before we can even "try" again. They will have their baby in less than that.

And I don't want to feel this way about it. And I don't want to face seeing them until I don't feel this way about it. I know it will pass. But right now it fucking sucks. And I am becoming a whole person that I didn't want to ever be. Please tell me one day this won't be my reality.

This is what I DO

Filling out forms for a living, that is.

No lie.

So who has had the privilege of filling out the CCR.M forms? or really it doesn't even have to be THEM, but any doctor office forms? I see ALL of your hands raised.

GAH, for real, can they all join the here and now with you know that thing called word processing? I mean these forms have been scanned in from a copy that was photo copied hundreds of times and then maybe faxed and then finally scanned, printed and scanned again. There are so many black specs on it, so ridiculous!! Could you possibly use WORD or PDF for goodness sake? So that my scratchy ugly hand writing doesn't have to be all over the place? I can barely write legibly any more because I type everything!!

I have seriously thought about bartering for infertility service. I will convert one form to PDF for you for each blood draw. I will create new interactive forms for an ultrasound. Heck for two ultrasounds I will make PDF forms that automatically attach to a database so you don't even need someone to put that info in LATER!!!

Maybe I am simply the only one bothered by this. I will not apologize.

Ok, now for serious stuff. Who really has filled in the C.CRM forms? because the credit card form scares me. I mean I understand its purpose. But at the same time I am just doing a phone consultation. Which they SAY is free supposedly... so I am confused. HALP! do I have to fill it out? because I really don't want to.

Hey there...

So a few things happening on the infertility front but not trying to let them consume me. I feel like I am in a new place about it but maybe it is just because it is not taking up my thoughts 24/7. It is still there but right now is a time to live and do other things.

My doctor did finally call me and he doesn't really have any ideas about what he may do differently (or so it seemed to me). There may be an egg problem but no good tests to try to figure it out other than trying again. I am young so he doesn't feel they are necessarily bad. For some reason my embryos do great day 1-3 and then drop off substantially in day 4 and 5. He said he doesn't believe in PGD because I don't have a family or medical history that points to something genetic and you could get the one good or bad cell in any embryo. So he doesn't think it is perfected enough to tell us anything. So he said we have 2 choices... 1) try a 3 day transfer or 2) try ovarian drilling if we want to.

1) The problem with a 3 day transfer is how in the world would we pick the embryos? On day 3 of this cycle I had 20 dividing embryos, most of which looked pretty darn promising. So it was the obvious choice to grow them to blast. It should have been a better chance. He also doesn't think I have any uterine problems or blood flow issues that would affect implantation. He thinks it's all on the egg quality mainly. But he wouldn't say that I have bad eggs or should give up or go on to donor or anything like that. I think basically he was saying he is out of tricks. He wouldn't change the protocol much from last time. And the problem with PCOS is that you get too many eggs then instead of a lower number of quality eggs.

2) When I first started going to him I asked what he thought about ov.arian drill.ing. My mom has been on my case from the beginning that that is a procedure I need to have. She had it done back when it was called wedging and she had her first regular periods after that. I have just never found a doctor that was willing to to do it because it is consider old technology with greater risk than benefit. Dr. W had said he would only use it as a last resort if IVF didn't work. Well here we are.... I have looked up some info, found some success stories, etc. But I have basically been sitting on his suggestion and not moved an inch. Not sure why. He said the risks are scarring to the ovary and then you have to do IVF. But his point is that we are already doing IVF so why not give it a try? We both agreed that if it does work it is the best solution for my overall long term health. But I guess I wonder where it leaves us if it doesn't work... will that affect future IVFs in a negative way? The doc thought that even if it doesn't bring my periods back completely that it could make them more sensitive to less expensive treatments like IU.I with clo.mid, etc.

Either way we have been contemplating going to C.CRM anyway. I want to go to the best place and try my best and if it doesn't work move on while I am still young. At least that is how I feel right now. So I called and have a phone consult on May 20. We can't financially do another IVF until next year or next summer if we go to C.CRM. Our main questions now are can we get insurance to pay for the OD? if so, can we still participate in a shared risk at C.CRM if we do OD? What does C.CRM think of our situation? plus I am sure hundreds more. But like I said above, I feel in this unusual place where I am just "eh, whatever". And so I feel unprepared to be in these decision making situations because I don't feel like I am being intense enough. I feel like I am not going to ask all the right questions because I am just being too laid back right now. I guess I am just go with the flow right now. Maybe I was finally able to put it in God's hands? I know before I was always trying to do it myself and kept grabbing it out of his hands! And maybe this new place is a good thing... we shall see.

In other news, my hubby got me an iMac for our 7th wedding anniversary. I LUURRRVVV it. I am having alot of fun with it but not really getting much else done :-)

Vacation all around

Just saying hi if anyone is still even checking this old rusty thing.


I did get to go on sort of a mini vacation over spring break. See if you can guess where it was from some pictures.

Eh, you probably can't but it was somewhat exciting at the very least. Over spring break we also went to the casino in Shre.vep.ort with some friends. I forgot my camera for that excursion. All you would see is my husband losing me money and me trying to win it back anyway ;-) I just don't know that I am cut out for gambling. While it is fun, I HATE losing money. So... yeah, not as much fun as it could be if I could get over that part.


Then later that week we went to the above spot. We visited my husband's former boss. My husband wants to move there, but I am very much against it. So the trip was kinda weird in that regard. He says I didn't want to admit I liked it and I say that just the whole reason to go up there was weird to begin with! I really don't know who is right. They did put us up in a nice little house that we had all to ourselves (for FREE). That was super nice! and we did both enjoy that a lot. And we also toured some local wineries. That was fun, but the wine has a distinctly odd flavor that I couldn't put my finger on. I think it might be the local water. We bought a bottle at each one and let's just say I opened the first one and drank less than one glass and then I have not touched nor brought myself to open another. So that is probably NOT a good sign of the quality. Oh well.


Also on vacation... apparently my doctors office. I contacted them again last week for a final review of IVF#2 and they said they would check with the doctor. Still nothing by today. I am really tired of that. And we are probably moving on anyway, but still!? This really should not be that hard. It makes me think they are purposely avoiding me. I doubt that is the case, but sometimes it does make me wonder if I am just so hopeless they don't want to talk to me at all.


And so I am also on infertility vacation it seems. But just yesterday the cousin who did get prego from IVF at C.CR.M had her baby. And she totally deserves all the joy and happiness that comes with the little guy and I am very happy for them (honestly I really am! and was excited when it worked for them). But it makes me have to think about babies and that is just making me sad. And now Friday I need to go visit them with my mom and other cousin (auntie to the little guy) before they go home from the hospital and I just don't look forward to it. I do want to go see the baby and parents but I think more than anything I don't want to be there with other family members oooing and awwwing. Quite especially my mom. It just makes me sad and they say things that hurt my feelings with out intention or even knowing it. I just need to suck it up and quit being a wuss. I guess the temporary vacation may be officially over.

Seriously Stupid

This is just a silly post although the title makes it sound pretty angry....

You know how they say pregnancy hormones make you stupid? or you can't remember anything? Well one day I hope to experience that, however in the meatime, I think I am experiencing some serious lack of intelligence from going through IVF. Seriously. I think all those hormones jack you up... or maybe it is JUST ME!?.... but today I had trouble counting pages in a proposal. There needed to be twenty. TWENTY. 20. And somehow after asking for multiple changes from my poor, poor professor I was working with, I would end up with 21 or 22 or 19, but not freaking 20!? I felt insane. But I am going to blame it on a lag in the effect of all those drugs.


GAHWD. I don't really feel better about blaming it on that though... *sigh* And luckily this guy has a sense of humor. And next week I have a week of obviously needed vacation.

On the doctor front... no one has gotten back to me about scheduling that follow up appointment. Go figure. If I am not cycling, I don't seem to exist with them. ;-) It is only helping me put it off even longer.

finally had the courage

I finally am feeling more up to talking to my doctor so I contacted them for a phone consult on IVF #2. We didn't do one last time at all and I know we need to talk about it. We still have no idea what our next move is going to be and I think my husband and I are both avoiding the subject for now. So I am just trying to be patient and actually that is turning out Ok. I feel pretty happy despite the sadness for a few weeks. After a really long cry with my mom I have actually felt WAY better. I think I just needed to get all that out. And it is hard for my husband to watch me do that sometimes. So, good thing I did tell my mom afterall. Also, she helped me do spring cleaning at my house. That was awesome.

And also, good thing I do not react like this to not getting prego: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,505151,00.html

I am taking off over Spring Break and we have some gambling and a short trip planned. I am looking forward to it although it is all with people my husband knows more than I do. He is lucky to have a wife that get along with everyone, I remind him how lucky he IS all the time.

The more I have research grad school... not so sure again about doing it. Funny how I always seem to come to that conclusion. I think I am just a slacker. But once I really started looking at accounting, eh, not so much. It is just another thing up in the air. But it is fun exploring at least.

While I have not been commenting much, I have been keeping up with you all and wish you all the best!! I have kinda missed blogging ... and I just felt like I wanted to post. Although, it is kinda all random. Happy weekend to everyone!

Thanks; and then lots of whining

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for your comments and support. It really did make me feel better to read each one. And there is one that I must have hit the wrong button ... I didn't mean to delete a comment from Maredsous! I am so sorry! I did not mean to do that at all.

The beta was negative. I haven't set up any appointments to discuss what they think happened. I haven't felt up to it yet. I don't even know what I want to do next or if we should change clinics or what. I know many people have to do multiple tries before it works. But I feel like our embryos are just really crappy for some reason. They just stop growing after a certain point. I mean we ended up with one blast on each try. And I know I should not complain, some end up with NONE. I discussed some of this with the embryologist (when he called me at home on a Saturday! on his birthday!) and it could be all kinds of problems. Or he suggests trying a 3 day transfer. At the time we were discussing it "intellectually" as he said since we didn't know if indeed I might be pregnant. Ha!

So I don't know if I will be posting much here for now. If/when we try again it will be another year. That is what saddens me the most. Financially, we can't make another run until a new flex plan year. And I think it might be time for me to pursue grad school since this isn't working out. The thing about that is that I don't really know what I want to do.

I have an undergrad in Agribusiness (which is so useful!). So I was thinking accounting. I just don't want to pay all that money for school and end up in the same direction as my current job in preaward grant administration. And that is BOREDOM or it still just not being what I want to wake up every morning and do. That is not to say I am bored from lack of work at my job, I am just tired of the same old crap that never changes. I just need change and new challenges every couple of years. I am hitting my max for having been in the same position for the past 4 years, working on 5 years and there is no room for growth unless someone quits or retires. It is the perfect job if you have kids at home. Flexible and not so all consuming that it would interfere with family life. But it is extremely repetitive, dealing with the same issues over and over that eventually it drives you crazy. Burn out is HIGH and I feel like I am too young to feel "stuck" with a job I no longer like. Without a kid on the way I don't think I can last where I am much longer. I need something more challenging that can offer change and promotion every few years. And now that I don't need any of my saved up vacation or sick leave, it is the perfect time to go.

Any accountants out there? If so, what do you do in a typical day? I hate that about any degree you look at, you can't see what people actually DO all day. You just get all this academic-y mumbo jumbo BIG WORDs stuff. I find myself intelligent, but sometimes deciphering that stuff is really hard and having never held an 'accounting' job, I wonder what I am getting myself into if that is the route I choose. I am creative by nature so I wonder if that is right for me. I thought marketing at one point, but it is so sales-y. And I am not good at sales.

But of course this leads to so many, many more answered questions. How to pay for it (we are still paying for both our undergrads and my husbands MS for the next 20 years)? Where should I go ? What's the best program? Where can I even get in? Where will I work? Will we have to sell our house and move? Do I really want to live like a college student again? Will I have to start out with an entry level, low paying job when I get out? How long will it take me to finish? UGH! The list goes on.

And then there is the guilt of spending money on education and having none to pursue baby as I just get older and older. SIGH (ok, I know I am not that old, but through all the IF stuff I thought for SURE I would have babies by now)

Sorry that this post is just about as bad as the last one.... I really am trying to come out of this but it is going to take more time. And probably alot of wine.

Bust

Well I POAS and it was negative. I am numb and know the emotion of it hasn't even begun to come out yet. I don't want to believe it. I was so sure this was it. And my husband was so sure.

I don't have a clue what comes next. There is the slightest of slightest of the very slightests that the test could be wrong and the blood work will show differently. But let's be honest, that is highly unlikely and just very wishful thinking.

I haven't even thought beyond this because I was so sure it would work. I have put my entire life off for the past 5 years. Not wanting to change jobs, not wanting to go back to school, basically losing everything about myself that I used to take pride in because I wanted this one thing. A baby, a family of more than two. But I guess I need to begin to focus on something else. If this doesn't happen my life can't end. And that is how I have been living. I don't do anything I enjoy anymore. In fact I don't even KNOW what I enjoy anymore. I have been just one huge ball of indecision not wanting anything to interfere or take money from the next time we try. I lived every day for the next time we would try even though that has mostly been years apart. I have stood still while time kept moving the past 5 years.

I just wish I could flee everyone I know and the fact that they have kids or if they don't yet, that they they will soon. I just wish I wasn't me. I wish that alot actually. I just wish I was a totally different person altogether.

Still here, just keeping myself busy

Hey everyone! Thanks for the comments wondering about me and sorry I just dropped off. I have actually been keeping busy which is a good thing. I still have not POAS but probably will tomorrow once we get home from our weekend adventures. My beta is Monday. I feel scared to POAS for some reason. Then it is so final if it is negative... but it could positive. As someone said here in the blogosphere, you just don't know until you know. So I am hopeful, yet all the negative feelings still seem to creep in and take over. My husband is really annoyed by that, but it is SO HARD since I don't feel anything or have symptoms to be absolutely sure and convinced. I always leave room for what could go wrong when I think of things, it is just part of my personality....

So Thursday to stay busy, I went out with K who does my PIO. We had dinner and then she wanted to get her ear pierced, higher up I guess it is called in the cartilage? So I went to a tattoo and piercing parlor with her and watched her get it done. Before the PIO shots I probably could have NEVER watched. But I did and it wasn't too gross to me. Strange! K's hubby was very funny, he was totally against her taking a pregnant lady into a TATOO parlor. I that he was sweet for calling me preggers! Hehe.

Last night we came into H-town and stuffed ourselves with our all time favorite Italian food at M.aggi.an.o's. OMG. SO good. But I know that I ate way, way, way too much. But it was grand. Then we just came home and did the quickest PIO shot ever because dinner has taken like 2.5 hours. Luckily, I had checked with my nurse to see if it was Ok to deviate from my normal time or I would have been freaking OUT. But she said around an hour off would be fine. We were like an hour and 10 minutes off, but hey I got it in and decided I will NOT freak out about it.

So today the boys went to play golf (although it has rained alot so I hope they are playing) and then d is at the gym (which is why I snuck on hubby's computer). She asked me to go along but I opted to stay home and sleep. When she gets back we are going for pedicures. Then we are meeting the boys for lunch at St. A.rno.lds brewery where we will do the tour but of course I will be the DD. Then home for a nap and then we are going to attempt making truffles, cook fajitas in the evening and play some Wii. So it will be fun but relaxing.

So that is about it. Tomorrow I guess will tell me what I have been waiting for. I hope everyone else is doing great. And congratulations to Kahla who got her BFP yesterday!!! Congratulations girl, that is awesome!

waiting and wondering, wondering and waiting

7dp5dt. OMG, when is this going to be over? But yet, don't let it be OVER over. Just let it be Sunday night so I can POAS and see what is going on. I have made a vow not to do it until then. But let me tell you it is HARD. Especially right now when the hubster is not home. And he will not be home until at least 7:30 every night this week. UGGGH. I do and don't want to do it.

So nothing much going on. I got my progesterone level back - 18.3 - which I have no idea what that means and I can't remember what it was the last time for my FET and apparently I didn't write it down for some reason. I asked if it was OK or if it was low and the only response was it is OK but tends to go down from here. So good thing that I just upped the PIO, that is indeed what they had intended. One minute I feel like I am having sypmtoms and one minute I don't. I just wonder how much is the progesterone talking. Probably most if not all of it.

Speaking of those biotches, I actually have been giving them to myself!!! Well, sorta, hubby pinches and I stick the needle in and try to hold steady while hubby pushes the medicine slowly in. This past weekend my friend had to go out of town and this coming weekend we will be out of town so we thought we better learn. Hubby is very shaky and he is afraid of hurting me so up to this point he has refused to even think about doing it. But I think our little team work thing does pretty good and he is not so freaked out about it now that he sees it isn't too horrible. I really NEVER thought I could stick a needle that big into my bum on my own, but it turns out I CAN. There are so many things I can do that I never thought I could. That is one thing the IF crapola has been good for...

Other than that, work is busy which I suppose is good. And we have plans for the weekend so that is extra good because I need distractions.

We will be going to H-town to see my husband's cousin and her husband. They are the one's I say are our friends that happen to be family. We have been hanging out since college so it is always a good time. They know minimal about our current IF. I used to see a doc in H-town and so I would stay overnight with them and we were pretty open with almost everything at that point. But it got to where I kinda felt what I told them might be told to others. That is kinda how the hubby's family IS. And I like to think they don't do it maliciously but it just happens. So I feel like (and hubby also, pretty strongly actually) that if we tell them something that should be secret, but someone in the family (that is what I call them, like the m.af.ia, THE FAMILY) might ask them about it trying to find out and they would so cave thinking that person would keep it secret. Which they would NOT. What one knows, they all know. There are 4 aunts plus my MIL in a small town with population maybe 200, what do you expect. They have nothing else to do but get in each others business. And while I know I can trust this couple, I also don't want to put them in a position where they may accidentally say something and then I have to be mad at them even though they didn't mean to do it on purpose. Does any of this make sense? Probably not....

Anyway, recently they have gotten wind that something is up. We had talked about taking a trip to Napa Valley on Spring Break, but then my hubby thinking he was being helpful, which it ended up just starting stuff, brought it up recently and threw out some other vacation ideas and they were like "we thought it was already settled" and my hubs said that we didn't want to go somewhere that drinking was the main attraction. And they are what? drinking is ALWAYs the main attraction. And truly, yes, normally it is when we get together ;-) And so now also this weekend I can't drink and I have already told them that. So they know something is UP for SURE, but they don't know what. It is a big huge elephant in the room and I don't know what to do about it. They are mad because they think we don't trust them and we are annoyed that they think they need to know and that we SHOULD tell them. On the other hand if I AM prego, they will probably be one of the first we will tell. Crazy, huh? I know, it really is. I go back and forth everyday whether to tell them what is going on this weekend. One minute, I want to and hubby doesn't, the next he wants to and I don't. We just don't know. The end.

OK, well thanks for hanging in there for my rambling. If you are still awake, have a good evening every one! And thanks very much for your continued comments and support. You are all so sweet and I really enjoy my bloggie friends! I need to catch up with some of you tonight as well.

Up, down and all around...

That is my blog motto and that is exactly how I have been feeling this week.



I did go back to work and it is busy, but as some of you mentioned it might be, it was certainly a welcome thing to have to concentrate on something else. And I have promised myself to manage the stress with gracefulness. And so far it is working. I just do one thing at a time, it will all get done. I do admit though I am a little feistier than usual. But I think it is working for me.



Wednesday I felt pretty good. I still had alot of bloating but I wasn't totally uncomfortable. I laughed alot. ALOT that day. Big belly laughing that couldn't stop at some things that happened that day. I was hoping that was Ok for the embryos, surely they are protected. Most funny was when I was at my friends house for my PIO shot. We work together and somehow we got on the topic of work and how we can't believe some people are still working there after 30 years and how they dress, act, complain, etc.! It is a whole long story of course, that probably only WE think is funny, but basically right before the shot she tells me at one point they had hired a woman who had scabies. Now I don't even know wHAT THAT IS except that the reason they found out was because the lady smelled like flea shampoo because that is how you got rid of them (and she was fired after 3 days not sure if it was because of that or other things). Now she tells me this with my bare butt cheek about to be poked with an inch and half needle and I couldn't stop laughing and SHE couldn't stop. So we both held our breath, did the deed and continued our laughter. I still don't know why it was SO funny other than you just had to be there and know our crazy work environment and the characters that work there.



Thursday I just woke up sad though. I just was sad right off the bat. I was sad that my work pants fit me. CRAZY. I know I am crazy, I get it. I do not want life threatening OHSS or anything but since they say it can get worse if you are prego, I guess I was just thinking keeping some of the bloating is better. I can't really tell you how my head works.... I just was having negative feelings that nothing had worked. Then at lunch I got the news than none of our embryos made it to freeze. I was terribly, terribly disappointed. I felt like if none made it to freeze then what about the one's they put in me? And why with all that fertilized this time have we STILL only made 2 blasts. ONLY TWO, one this time, one last time. Now I know some people have not even made it that far and so I feel like a big whiny baby saying that. But it just was very disappointing. And I just wanted to hide and cry but I was at work and then a last minute thing got dumped on me and I had to pull it together pretty quick and get it done. I got home, cried it out and hubby came home. He was able to make me feel better and while he was sad about nothing to freeze we discussed how they have told us they are very particular about what they will freeze, so it has to be great for them to even think of it. He is still convinced this will be a great success so we won't need any frosties. I sure hope he is right and in the back of my mind I can see how we will still have good possibility for success. I am still hopeful.



So today I have been just in the middle (or the all around phase again). I went to get my progesterone draw this morning. Got to the clinic at 7:45 and they didn't have my orders even though I specifically asked my doc about it yesterday and they said I didn't need an appointment or anything. That made me mad but it all worked out. I just went back at 10 and got it done. But then I was so busy with work and was trying to just concentrate on that, I forgot to call to get the results. How dumb was that!? But I reread my instructions and I am pretty sure I up the progesterone no matter what so that is what I plan to do. I might call the L&D number since that is also on my instruction sheet, but I don't know if it is really that important or not. I don't think they will know what I should do either way, but just they could tell me the level that came back from the labs.



I have had a few minor symptoms that might mean I am prego. But they could also all be progesterone. I had a hot flash last night during the night, some weird dreams (but I have those alot anyway), and I have had some cramping/tingle/twinge stuff/pulsing stuff down there. But who knows what that really is. I could drive myself crazy thinking of the possibilities.



I am trying stay busy this weekend. Hubby mentioned maybe going somewhere although I don't know where that wouldn't cost us tons of money or be far away. We'll see. I definitely do want to get the checkbook all squared away and I am sure I will finish our taxes. Sadly, I almost look forward to doing these things. That shows just how lame my life has become, hahah! Just kidding....

Random List: so many things floating in my mind

I have so much all twisted up in my head. So this post may just be gobbledy goop splatted all over the page. So that is your warning in case you want to stop reading now!

• I woke up at 2:30 again last night, this time no gas pain since I ate something with the antbiotic when I took it, but because I had major cramps that woke me up. At first I was all yeah baby, cramp away! But then I just wanted it to stop because it really hurt so bad I couldn't sleep. I went to the bathroom and it stopped. So now I am left wondering. I have felt mild crampiness today. I hate the wondering, it drives me insane.

• IVF #2 has been so different. Different in that everything worked correctly for the most part and I was cheery and took one day at a time. The doctor even complimented me on how well I had done yesterday before the transfer and that they were really proud of me. I would have loved to have transferred all blasts but hey at least I had 3 left to transfer and more still going at the time (haven't heard about the others). But oddly during and after the transfer yesterday I just was kinda like "Ok it is over now". I am not as excited out of my mind as the first time and I don't know what that is about. I wonder if that is a bad thing or what? I am somehow in disbelief that IVF #2 happened and now I must wait. It is SO WIERD if you ask me. Why do I feel that way? I should be ecstatic and unable to contain myself. Instead I am just "well that's over". Terrible.

• I had to call the Dr again this mornig. Ugh! I slept so well but couldn't really sleep late because my neck was hurting. So I got up and started watching TV but got kinda comfy and started drifting off. So I napped for a moment in kind of an upright position on the couch and then decided to lay down. When I layed flat on my right side I had some girgling in my lungs and coughed when I was trying to breath. So I tried my left side and then my whole chest hurt! I was concerned since they told me yesterday to watch out for any sign there is fluid on my lungs. And the fluid in my abdomen has seemed to go down so I was concerned it had moved to the lungs, which I of course don't even know if that is possible, but you KNOW the mind can play dirty tricks on you. So I called and the nurse said she would see what Dr. W said and call back. Then I was just so mad at myself to even be bothering them! ACKAKCKACK. So when she called back she said to just watch it to see if it gets worse and I blurted out to her that I hate being a patient and sorta started crying. I said I don't want to be a patient any more because I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me and I HATE IT. She said don't feel bad for calling but I just felt really dumb.

• I still cough if I try to lay down on the right side and still feel like there is a little fluid, but it is not worse than this AM. I can however lay flat on my back with no problem. So apprently my hubby is correct that I am just a hypochondriac. Pregancy is going to be long for me... I just need to stay away from reading ANYTHING about it and do whatever I am told. And lucky me that he will be looking at me saying, but you wanted THIS! Not that he doesn't want it... but I know he is going to remind me everytime I complain about anything.

• Doctor said to stay away from salt. UGH UGH UGh now all I want is salt. I just made myself tomato soup. It said no added salt, but I swear it was still so good and salty. Ooops.

• I checked my work email from home today and tomorrow will suck when I go back tomorrow. Somehow I have to not stress out over it, but seeing how tightly I am wound just being at home alone relaxing today, I really wonder how in the world that will work.

• The friend who we are visiting, not this weekend but the next, who I said before that I needed to do a whole post on that situation, called me today. She had emailed me yesterday and didn't get my auto reply and was wondering if I was avoiding her. She also was wondering why I was off work but I tried to dodge the question. I will still post more about that later. But I know she is wondering and her and her husband will discuss it and try to figure it all out. They probably know but don't know what exactly is going on. MORE UGHs!!!! Should we tell them when we visit? Should I POAS before that weekend? What if it is negative and then I am a total mess? What if it is positive and then we tell and something happens!? ACK brain please just stop already.

• Husband had jury duty today. He didn't want to be picked but then acted disappointed that he wasnt. ???!!!???!!???

• I have been avoiding doing our checkbook at all costs. I just don't want to know and instead I have just spent whatever I felt like. Likely a hugely bad decision. But I just still don't want to see the damage. Denial.

• I have everything for our taxes except one thing that is hopefully in the mail as we speak.
• My friend gave me Arrested Development Season 1 to watch today. Now I really want a chocolate covered banana. YUM!

• I keep getting tagged to do the "25 things about you" on FB. I keep avoiding it since the 25 things I can think to say right now, I don't want everyone in the world to know about. And somehow through five years of IF I have become VERY boring and can't tell you a single thing about myself that is remotely interesting or that I do for fun. Very sad.

• And now I must get out of this funk and get on with life.

Transferred Up

I feel like I have really been absent! I haven't posted because the last few days have kinda sucked. I have felt really terrible and so I haven't been up to much at all and all I could think of to write was complainy, whiny stuff. Which I know you would all understand, but I just felt like it would be too sad so I declined. The good news is today I feel much better.

To try to sum it all up... Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I was really bloated and uncomfortable but nothing of the really bad signs they warn you about. Sometimes I thought I was having shortness of breath, but to me if you THINK about that then you can basically make it happen so I was never quite sure. The worst part was the terrible, terrible and painful gas I was getting and oddly it showed up around 3am every night. And I had to get up and walk and hope and pray that some would come out while chugging tums and Mylanta. It would temporarily help until I laid down for a while again and then it was back. It was so painful, I was thinking is this what pregnancy is going to be like?

I tried eating more protein and drinking tons of Gatorade**. I even resorted to calling L&D twice to talk to a resident to try to make sure that this indeed was gas and wasn't caused by something else or somehow was something bad. They always were very helpful and did say there were cause for concern considering the amount of eggs that were retrieved. But I made it through without ever going in to see them since it is a 2 hour drive.

This morning though I decided to call my clinic to see what they thought since I was never able to talk to my actual doctor all weekend. I was concerned if something bad was going on that maybe the transfer was not a good idea. They suggested blood work to see if anything was going on. I am fine with them saying suck it up, I can do that! but I just wanted to be certain nothing else was going on.

So when I got to my transfer appointment, they said all was well with the blood work and I was relieved. They did check my abdomen for fluid and my right ovary is like floating up in my abdomen, but they didn't seem to be surprised and said the fluid is really not as bad as is could be this point. They thought the gas was from the antibiotic and since I take it at the same time every night, whala it shows up at the same time every night.

So then the embryologist came to say we had 4 morulas and he thought we should transfer 3. I was disappointed that we didn't have blasts but he said that he had looked at them in the morning so things could have changed and looked better now. We went through all the possibilities, my meds, the whole shabang and then it was time for the transfer.

When we went to the transfer room and they showed the embies on the screen, 1 was at blast and another almost there and still one other a compacting morula. I was very happy! And the even better news... we have one more morula that will probably make it to blast and we can freeze, but the BEST news is the that remaining 7 of our 20 mature eggs also fertilized (it just took longer)! So we have 16 still chugging in the cleavage stage and we might get some more to freeze out of that. It is a long shot since they all fertilized late, but it is possible.

The transfer was odd for me this time. Like I didn't feel it was happening. I am excited, but I just don't know if it is because it is the second time or what. I feel somewhat in disbelief that I just transferred 3 embies into me! And now I am pregnant until proven otherwise. YAY!

Thanks everyone for all your great comments. It has been wonderful to have you all with me this time. Now I just have to make it through the 2ww. I need to start making a list of things to distract me!!

**It turns out they think all the Gatorade I was drinking was bad because it has too much sodium. Maybe I was drinking too much or something, but today I stopped and I feel SO MUCH BETTER. I can't even SAY how much better. I was even able to eat without feeling bad after and I feel less pressure under my abdomen. Just be careful with it is all I am saying! Maybe there was something else I was supposed to be doing along with that and I didn't know. I am not sure.

Day 2 Report

The day 2 report is good ... and I got it after I sent an email apologizing for being a major pain in the ass last night. Yes, I know, that is why they are there (that is what the nurse said but really it is her job to say that) but I was so embarrassed to be so unprepared for this major event. GEEZ [hiding my face].

7 mature unfertilized (<--- not sure why they say this?) 5 fertilized as 1 cell 3 as 4 cell 1 as 3 cell 4 as 2 cell And I report for a 5 day transfer on Monday at 3:30. Sadly, VERY SADLY, hubby can't go to the transfer with me because he teaches a college class at 4:15 and he can't miss, they don't exactly have substitutes for that kind of thing. So I guess my mom will take me. She is dying to know what is going on but I haven't told her. Already yesterday she was calling, because she cares and is so excited, and I just didn't want to say how many had fertilized. I could tell she wanted to ask but held back. How MEAN am I? I just want to enjoy it for myself and with the internets for now. And even if she takes me Monday, I am not sure if I want to tell her how many. She has her hopes up so high it seems. I don't want to disappoint her. I am very excited!! Hubby is also very excited!! I just hope that this is successful. I won't say alot about it, but I feel pretty confident this time. I am not sure if that is good or bad or a total jinx. Good to be positive, but what if I TOTALLY can't handle it then if it doesn't happen? Are we setting ourselves up for major failure and meltdown if it doesn't work? Who knows I suppose. Who really knows. I am still bloated today and had killer gas at the top of my abdomen this morning when I got to work. And I did actually fit in my jeans, go figure. After a few antacids, which I don't even know if it is OK to take but I was in PAIN, I felt better. Unfortunately, today was "food day" at work so I ate only soup for lunch (and cornbread and a potato thingy). I really have grown to hate the food day once a month because I have NO will power whatsoever. I am sure none of that eating was good for me and then I drank ginger ale instead of Ga.tora.de all day. I did however have chicken for dinner so got some protein in there. And I am about to go chug the G.ator.ade. I am a bad patient, what can I say.

The only sad thing about the timing of the 5 day transfer is I don't get to hear about the embies over the weekend :-( I hope they are growing and behaving and are cozy over the next few days. The IVF instructions SAY we will be contacted everyday, but I am not so sure if that applies to the weekends. Hmpf. I just want to know what they are up to before I go in blind on Monday.

And THEN the hell of the 2WW. I need to make a LONG list of things to do. Luckily, the last weekend we will be out of town. That weekend will require a whole other post because I do have alot to say about it for several reasons. I guess apparently today I have alot to say about everythings since this is so long. Thanks to anyone who got this far. Have a wonderful weekend!! And for everyone on stims or with embies growing, good luck to you !!! And everyone who is waiting to start, good luck to you too!

Deep Breath

There was panic and hysterical crying but now everything is OK.

I am supposed to be a pro at this right, with round number 2 and all? But tonight I was getting my PIO stuff together to take to my friend's house and discovered that my PIO was EXPIRED. AND the top of the vial that has the rubbery stuff, latex maybe?, had become all deformed and expanded so that it looked like there was something floating or coagulated in the oil.

I had 2 things of it left from my last IVF, but that was over a year ago. I had asked the nurse about using the leftover and she said fine as long as it hadn't been used before. But she probably didn't realize how long ago it had been. The vial is inside a regular prescription bottle that has "Use By _____" but there was no date listed so I thought I was good to go. But, when I took the bottle out it said Exp: 3/18/08. Lesson learned.

Proceed to freak out.

So I called the L&D and asked for a resident which is what I was told to do if I had any problems. I explained the situation, of course not without breaking out into tears. I had pro.metriu.m and I was wondering if that would be OK to take for tonight instead. The resident had no clue (said something about not being a pharmacist so she didn't know) so I hung up. So at this point my husband is kinda mad at me (and rightly so if you ask me, because not only am I an idiot sometimes but the whole reason I didn't order more is because I was trying to be CHEAP). So I decided to call back and request my RE to be paged and call me. The nurses were like, I don't know if we can do that. But that is exactly what my ER nurse had told me to do if I had any problems. She probably meant OHSS probs, but I was in a panic and really thought this was important. They just said, we'll see if we can get him but didn't say for sure that anyone would call back at all. I can understand not wanting to call him, but OMG PANIC on my part.

So I called a W.algre.en's and talked to a pharmacist to see if they have PIO or if they knew the difference between taking PIO and the pr.ometr.ium and he wasn't sure either except that they are ingested differently and at different rates. He said their 24 hour one may have it and at that moment L&D was calling me back. It was the same resident I talked to earlier and first she had called all the local pharmacy's (2 hours from where I live, but still I would have driven there) and they didn't have any. So then she was able to get in touch with Dr. W and he said it was no big deal, in the grand scheme of things it would be fine. Just call the RE nurse tomorrow to get it settled and don't take the pro.metriu.m.

So at this point I am relieved but I just sit on the bed hysterically crying, and panting and heaving and my husband is all WHAT IS HAPPENING. By this point he is no longer mad, just concerned and I could only barely sob to him what the doctor said.

But we both thought why not call the 24 hour Wal.gre.en's just in case they have it. So I called and they DID have it. So then, after I had stopped crying and had gathered myself together, I had to bother the poor resident again to please call in the prescription. She was very nice and did so because I am sure she was like someone help me, please don't let this crazy lady call me back!!

So then I picked up the PIO and went and got my shot at my friends house. And I must say I am very lucky to have this friend willing to look at my butt. And she is SO GOOD. It doesn't even hurt. It might be sore later, but seriously, I barely feel the actual shot.

One plus... apparently crying hysterically is good for bloat and air in the tummy, because I actually feel better now than I did before. But now things are fine and seem right with the world. No ice storm or stupidness on my part is going to stop me from getting prego!!

Drum Roll

The nurse emailed me this morning. She said there were actually 43 (HOLY GOD really? I have never heard of that many either. I feel like a freak, but I guess in a good way). But then 23 were immature or atretic* so that left us 20 mature. Not too shabby, still very pleased. Of the 20, then 11 fertilized. And they didn't tell me my E2 but I would be interested to know what it was/is. I know the embryologist said my E2 looked good before the retrieval but that is all I know. I didn't think to ask.

At first I was kinda wanting to be upset about the fert rate, but then I realized I was just being GREEDY since I can't have 20 kids anyway! The nurse said it was "very nice" and I agree. Also, they decided not to do ICSI for some reason so those all fertilized by just letting the "sperm pick" as the nurse put it. I just pray that not too many fall off in the next five days. They haven't said if we will do a 3 day or 5 day transfer yet, but we are really hoping for a 5 day blast transfer if at all possible. And possibly at least a few to freeze in case we have to try again. I guess tomorrow we will see how they are all doing.

They also don't grade the embryos so I don't have any exciting things to say about the 11. I am actually fine with that though. In my mind they are all equal then! Any one of them could be the ONE (or two or three, SEE VERY GREEDY suddenly, I am sorry, please everyone forgive me).

As for how I feel now... well very, very sore. And the doc gave me vic.od.in and yesterday it seemed fine to take them because I could sleep. But today I went to work and OMG the loopiness and I just took ONE. Plus I think they were making me nauseous. But after a hour or so I felt better. I just feel really bloated and have alot of gas that I feel is trapped and it won't come out. Also, the ole ovaries do hurt when I walk but it has gotten better throughout the day. And I only took that one pain pill at 8:3o and haven't had any since. Finding an outfit to wear to work was interesting to say the least. And tomorrow we can wear jeans and that just makes me LAUGH at this point. Not sure what to do. Maybe I can go to Target and get some really stretchy tights or leggings or thigh high hose so I could wear a flowy dress without freezing my buns off. (well you know freezing for TX weather, what 50 degrees? Yep)

I am concerned about OHSS. I am drinking lots of Gatorade and water and eating salty food. Thanks everyone for those suggestions because I didn't know to do any of that before! I have been peeing every 5 minutes it seems which I am guessing is a good thing so far. But I haven't had very much protein today though which I know I need. (I had a big ole steak last night ;-)) I do have peanut butter so I will probably have a snack of that soon. They gave me a list of things to look for and while I do feel really full and bloated, I think I am doing OK so far. I am crossing my fingers anyway. How long until I am out of the woods though? Anyone know?

Overall I am just trying not to stress and trying to be patient. I am doing OK so far, but I don't know how long it will last. And tonight, my first PIO. Not looking forward to it, but it is a necessary evil.

*I didn't know what atretic means so I looked it up... an ovarian follicle in an undeveloped state due to immaturity, poor nutrition or systemic disease; manifested by prolonged anestrus.
I imagine this has something to do with my PCOS and that those follies were there and dormant too long because my hormones are all whacko.