Our closest friends who happen to be family, as I call them, are pregnant.
And I don't know how to deal.
I knew it would happen.
I knew it would happen soon.
And they emailed my husband so he could break the news to me. She would have called me on the way home from work today but he said he would tell me instead. They wanted to let us know before they tell everyone else.
And I am just so broken when I should be happy and supportive and joyful. And I should have called them to say just that. And instead I am ugly. I can't stop crying. I knew this would happen. I knew this would tear my world apart and I didn't want it to. I don't want it to but I can't stop it. I feel like I can't stop it.
And they will be here. Tomorrow. To stay with us. It's been planned for a while so there is no excuse to get out of it. No way to avoid it. No way to have time to absorb it. To move past how hurt I am that it is not me (again).
I don't even feel like me with how jealous I am. And I feel like I shouldn't even say that but it is true. It is just brutally honest. I hate who this journey makes me some days. I am not who or how I want to be when I feel like this.
I wanted to have babies at the same time. I want to be able to share this with her and be close about it but now I can't. It just feels so impossible. And if our IVF would have worked both of us would be pregnant at the same time. It would be possible to feel normal. To feel so excited that our kids would grow up together.
And people treat us differently. Everyone in the family wants us to be OK and they don't want to hurt us. And I know it. But it still hurt me no matter what. My husband can put on a great face and say all the right things and keep his feelings below the surface. I just want to say nothing because I feel like everything I say will just be wrong and the emotion is right there. It just takes one little tiny thing for it to show. So I keep quiet. And know that that will be judged too. Quietness. Hopelessness is what it is. Being scared to say anything for the flood of tears that could follow. So I just sit there and say nothing, scared some one will see the jealousy and hurt. And for some reason I don't want them to see. And why?
The reality of it all is here now. I kept it away for a while.
And yes, we can keep trying. And we probably will. But at what cost? They did it in 3 months, we are going on 6 years. Reality is so unfair. And it will be one year at the very least before we can even "try" again. They will have their baby in less than that.
And I don't want to feel this way about it. And I don't want to face seeing them until I don't feel this way about it. I know it will pass. But right now it fucking sucks. And I am becoming a whole person that I didn't want to ever be. Please tell me one day this won't be my reality.