Thursday, May 14, 2009

reality

Our closest friends who happen to be family, as I call them, are pregnant.

And I don't know how to deal.

I knew it would happen.

I knew it would happen soon.

And they emailed my husband so he could break the news to me. She would have called me on the way home from work today but he said he would tell me instead. They wanted to let us know before they tell everyone else.

And I am just so broken when I should be happy and supportive and joyful. And I should have called them to say just that. And instead I am ugly. I can't stop crying. I knew this would happen. I knew this would tear my world apart and I didn't want it to. I don't want it to but I can't stop it. I feel like I can't stop it.

And they will be here. Tomorrow. To stay with us. It's been planned for a while so there is no excuse to get out of it. No way to avoid it. No way to have time to absorb it. To move past how hurt I am that it is not me (again).

I don't even feel like me with how jealous I am. And I feel like I shouldn't even say that but it is true. It is just brutally honest. I hate who this journey makes me some days. I am not who or how I want to be when I feel like this.

I wanted to have babies at the same time. I want to be able to share this with her and be close about it but now I can't. It just feels so impossible. And if our IVF would have worked both of us would be pregnant at the same time. It would be possible to feel normal. To feel so excited that our kids would grow up together.

And people treat us differently. Everyone in the family wants us to be OK and they don't want to hurt us. And I know it. But it still hurt me no matter what. My husband can put on a great face and say all the right things and keep his feelings below the surface. I just want to say nothing because I feel like everything I say will just be wrong and the emotion is right there. It just takes one little tiny thing for it to show. So I keep quiet. And know that that will be judged too. Quietness. Hopelessness is what it is. Being scared to say anything for the flood of tears that could follow. So I just sit there and say nothing, scared some one will see the jealousy and hurt. And for some reason I don't want them to see. And why?

The reality of it all is here now. I kept it away for a while.

And yes, we can keep trying. And we probably will. But at what cost? They did it in 3 months, we are going on 6 years. Reality is so unfair. And it will be one year at the very least before we can even "try" again. They will have their baby in less than that.

And I don't want to feel this way about it. And I don't want to face seeing them until I don't feel this way about it. I know it will pass. But right now it fucking sucks. And I am becoming a whole person that I didn't want to ever be. Please tell me one day this won't be my reality.

3 comments:

  1. oh god, that is such a horrible feeling. we have all been there and there's is nothing to say but that it sucks. i think it's worse too when things are on hold and you don't feel like you can take any action.

    i guess you're going to have to say something because you probably can't fake your way through their whole visit. i hope she is the kind of friend that if you are honest about how you feel it can be something that allows you to grow closer instead of driving you apart. maybe tell her how very much you want to be happy for her, but that there is just a hole in your heart right now, and that you don't resent her or blame her and that you hope she won't shut you out even if you can't completely share her joy. not that you asked for my assvice, but that's what i wish i'd said to someone years ago. too many friendships get hurt by this shitty situation.

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  2. I wish I had these awesome words and ways to make it all better for you. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

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  3. this is so hard. i know that they meant well by calling...i am sure that they wanted you to have some time to adjust to it and not shock you when they arrived, you know? but that really doesn't make it any easier, and you don't know that unless you have dealt with IF, unfortunately. :( you are not a horrible person. you are reacting in a normal way. especially considering the circumstances. pls just take some time for yourself, don't force yourself to be anything that you are not during this visit. your friend will understand in the long run!

    xoxo

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