Saturday, May 16, 2009

better

Ok that last post was so HORRIBLE but was true to what I was feeling at the moment.

They came, I lived, it was fine. What can I do? I can't do anything about it. They want me to be OK and I get that. But it is just hard and especially when I just want it to be easy. I don't want it to be awkward for them. And I don't want to feel awkward either. We didn't discuss it at length because we were going out so I said I wanted to talk about it later though. I just didn't want to get all worked up and ruin the night. I will be going next weekend to see her anyway and we will be alone so I just figured we could talk more then.

I mean how much should I explain? I feel like I want to talk about it, but will I somehow hurt her feelings possibly? I don't want to do that. I just want to explain that as hard as it is and will be to hear everything I want to be part of it all. Does that even make sense? And she doesn't want to hurt MY feelings. So I feel like we will be in one big don't make anyone feel bad circle.

I think the fear and anticipation of seeing them was worse than the actual visit. The visit was normal. I am also having a hard time imagining her pregnant. I don't know what that is... I guess I just want to know how that feels and with IF preggers I get all the details on their blogs. But with people who just get pregnant easy you don't tend to get all those details, know what I mean?

Sometimes I am just one big conflict. I say I don't want to know or talk about it, but then I DO.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I really do appreciate it and I know you all understand. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

2 comments:

  1. hey there bb, just stopped in after a few days away- and I think if they are truly close to you, just say what you just said here-- it is perfect. You can want to know and be involved even though it is hard-- and she should be able to be sympathetic enough to get that even though she may not truly be able to understand since she has not been in your shoes--
    take good care of yourself, and being honest here is GREAT-- believe me, you will not find a more compassionate audience than this one. we get it. including the part of not wanting to feel this way.
    warmly, Kate

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  2. yeah i think the big don't-make-anyone-feel-bad circle can end up being really harmful despite best intentions when everyone goes so far out of their way to avoid hurting anyone's feelings that either side ends up feeling left out or isolated, which to me was one of the worst parts of infertility, and can be hurtful to the fertile friend too who may not understand. i think it's great to talk about it, and agree with wise Kate that you said it very well here, maybe start small and see where the conversation goes. especially to tell her you want to be included in what's going on with her even if at times it is hard. at least you will have opened the door and there seems to be less room then for misunderstandings and unintended hurt feelings. it's so hard though, good luck with it!

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