Thursday, May 28, 2009

aware

Continuing with the one word descriptive titles, well yes I am.

So first a lengthy disclaimer. I know I sound really very sad and depressed here. And I really rant and am all whoa is me and look at my poor situation. And I don't think of myself as being that way in real life. Or I don't perceive myself to be that way, maybe others could tell you differently. I sometimes feel odd, bad, embarrassed, afraid, confused and other things about what I post here. But it's my place to do that. And many people IRL say I apologize WAY too much already. So I won't say I am sorry. I will just say this is my place I let out frustrations. And if you were all sick of reading I would absolutely understand. I guess I feel like saying this in part because I notice that a "follower" had taken themselves off and I was like why did they do that? and well they probably were tired of reading this shmack. I understand completely. I absolutely do. But I still need a place to get it out and if it no one reads then at least I have it out of my head. To hopefully stay out of my mind so that I can move on.

On the outside IRL, I try to seem like I am not bothered by most things. People are annoying - not a problem, they are who they are. Things at work are stupid, who cares, I just work here. I can't change it, just roll with it. I let things go and say whatever to them. Then eventually the situation BUILDs UP. And then I am mad and I am unhappy and think to myself HOW in the hell did I get here? Everything was just fine 5 minutes ago. Why am I upset now? (and others are looking at themselves going - why is she upset now too) I have NO REASON to be upset or annoyed or perturbed. People don't like people who are negative or complain. Or people who complain and then DO NOTHING. I certainly don't like those people. But sadly in some cases I am just exactly that person.

I really am so annoyed with my job.

And I have been there before.

And I have done nothing about it.

I feel this loyalty to where I am. I get ample vacation and sick time. My bosses praise me for the most part. No questions really asked when I need to be off for doctor stuff. My coworkers like me, as far as I know, and they stop by to chat all the time. I am close friends with many of them. But honestly. I can't stand working there anymore. And if anyone else I new (if my husband for example) complained and bitched and moaned as much as I do about it I would say to them - what are you going to do about it? DO SOMETHING. But I am very aware that I am not doing anything about it. And somehow eventually it will pass and I will be content again. Content with the status quo. This has not been me in the past. But it is somehow me now and I am acutely aware.

I am also aware that I can't DO anything infertility wise at the moment. Is that the thing that keeps me where I am? scared I can't do anything else because I would compromise that? or just too chicken to see IF I could do something else? What a risk to move to another job and what audacity to think I can even get another one in this economic climate? These are the things I am aware of right now.

My husband is a great man who has accomplished a lot and who I love. There are many times where he asks me why I love him and I have an extremely hard time (oddly) telling him WHY and giving concrete examples. I mean I just do without explanation. But there are times when I know why and I wish I could grab a note pad and right it down really quickly so later I can tell him. Well tonight were a few. He said he felt out of place with any group of people he is with sometimes because he is not wholly and solely one type of person but can blend with most groups and contribute with different sides of his personality. But he doesn't feel like he ever fits in with one specific group. I feel the same way! But with him I feel like I fit exactly. And that is why I love him.

Another thing, this weekend I was at the friends house I mentioned (yes I did tell her and it was way more anticlimactic than you (or I) would think, will have to post separately over that) and she had some other friends over. They kept going on about their brothers girlfriend and how they didn't like her (for some good reasons I might add). And how in the world would you want to spend every minute with your significant other ALL the time. I agree in part - girl time is excellent, I love it and most certainly enjoy it. But I love to be with my husband. I feel the best when I am with him, the most at ease and just like me. And that is another reason I love him. That he can offer that to me is amazing to me. And to offer it unconditionally for the past 7 years is incredible.

Another reason for my love -- he believes in me. He thinks I can do something bigger and something better than my job now and says so when I complain. He wants the best for me if only I will reach for it. If only I can become aware enough to figure out what that thing is that I want to do. That I would want to wake up every single day and do. I know a lot of people out there don't do exactly what they want to do every day - but there are those who DO actually know and do specifically what they set out to do. And I really want to know how that feels one day.

Today was one of those days where there was acute awareness - what am I doing, why am I here, where am I going? But what will I do to answer these things? Ah, if I only had all the answers to career and family. Now that would be something.

4 comments:

  1. Sending hugs. lots of hugs!

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  2. you're totally not crazy. this happens to all of us. if you find the answers to all of the career and family stuff, you will totally be a rich woman :)

    xoxo

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  3. I so get the build up-- oh yes, I really do.
    And see? You have articulated some of the amazing reasons you love your darlin, and that is worth so much-- first knowing it to be true, and then being able to say some of the reasons why.

    Oh the work stuff- I wish I knew what to do too-- I think we get so into survival mode, so moment by moment, it is hard to find the space to dream about what would make more sense for us, what we could get excited about. And in this culture it is nearly impossible to explore. I wish you luck on all of this, but so glad you have such a wonderful foundation with your sweetie. That matters so much. Hang in there bb,
    Kate

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  4. hey there bb, just wanted to say hello. I am thinking of you,
    Kate

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