Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Thanks; and then lots of whining

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for your comments and support. It really did make me feel better to read each one. And there is one that I must have hit the wrong button ... I didn't mean to delete a comment from Maredsous! I am so sorry! I did not mean to do that at all.

The beta was negative. I haven't set up any appointments to discuss what they think happened. I haven't felt up to it yet. I don't even know what I want to do next or if we should change clinics or what. I know many people have to do multiple tries before it works. But I feel like our embryos are just really crappy for some reason. They just stop growing after a certain point. I mean we ended up with one blast on each try. And I know I should not complain, some end up with NONE. I discussed some of this with the embryologist (when he called me at home on a Saturday! on his birthday!) and it could be all kinds of problems. Or he suggests trying a 3 day transfer. At the time we were discussing it "intellectually" as he said since we didn't know if indeed I might be pregnant. Ha!

So I don't know if I will be posting much here for now. If/when we try again it will be another year. That is what saddens me the most. Financially, we can't make another run until a new flex plan year. And I think it might be time for me to pursue grad school since this isn't working out. The thing about that is that I don't really know what I want to do.

I have an undergrad in Agribusiness (which is so useful!). So I was thinking accounting. I just don't want to pay all that money for school and end up in the same direction as my current job in preaward grant administration. And that is BOREDOM or it still just not being what I want to wake up every morning and do. That is not to say I am bored from lack of work at my job, I am just tired of the same old crap that never changes. I just need change and new challenges every couple of years. I am hitting my max for having been in the same position for the past 4 years, working on 5 years and there is no room for growth unless someone quits or retires. It is the perfect job if you have kids at home. Flexible and not so all consuming that it would interfere with family life. But it is extremely repetitive, dealing with the same issues over and over that eventually it drives you crazy. Burn out is HIGH and I feel like I am too young to feel "stuck" with a job I no longer like. Without a kid on the way I don't think I can last where I am much longer. I need something more challenging that can offer change and promotion every few years. And now that I don't need any of my saved up vacation or sick leave, it is the perfect time to go.

Any accountants out there? If so, what do you do in a typical day? I hate that about any degree you look at, you can't see what people actually DO all day. You just get all this academic-y mumbo jumbo BIG WORDs stuff. I find myself intelligent, but sometimes deciphering that stuff is really hard and having never held an 'accounting' job, I wonder what I am getting myself into if that is the route I choose. I am creative by nature so I wonder if that is right for me. I thought marketing at one point, but it is so sales-y. And I am not good at sales.

But of course this leads to so many, many more answered questions. How to pay for it (we are still paying for both our undergrads and my husbands MS for the next 20 years)? Where should I go ? What's the best program? Where can I even get in? Where will I work? Will we have to sell our house and move? Do I really want to live like a college student again? Will I have to start out with an entry level, low paying job when I get out? How long will it take me to finish? UGH! The list goes on.

And then there is the guilt of spending money on education and having none to pursue baby as I just get older and older. SIGH (ok, I know I am not that old, but through all the IF stuff I thought for SURE I would have babies by now)

Sorry that this post is just about as bad as the last one.... I really am trying to come out of this but it is going to take more time. And probably alot of wine.

Sunday, February 15, 2009


Well I POAS and it was negative. I am numb and know the emotion of it hasn't even begun to come out yet. I don't want to believe it. I was so sure this was it. And my husband was so sure.

I don't have a clue what comes next. There is the slightest of slightest of the very slightests that the test could be wrong and the blood work will show differently. But let's be honest, that is highly unlikely and just very wishful thinking.

I haven't even thought beyond this because I was so sure it would work. I have put my entire life off for the past 5 years. Not wanting to change jobs, not wanting to go back to school, basically losing everything about myself that I used to take pride in because I wanted this one thing. A baby, a family of more than two. But I guess I need to begin to focus on something else. If this doesn't happen my life can't end. And that is how I have been living. I don't do anything I enjoy anymore. In fact I don't even KNOW what I enjoy anymore. I have been just one huge ball of indecision not wanting anything to interfere or take money from the next time we try. I lived every day for the next time we would try even though that has mostly been years apart. I have stood still while time kept moving the past 5 years.

I just wish I could flee everyone I know and the fact that they have kids or if they don't yet, that they they will soon. I just wish I wasn't me. I wish that alot actually. I just wish I was a totally different person altogether.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Still here, just keeping myself busy

Hey everyone! Thanks for the comments wondering about me and sorry I just dropped off. I have actually been keeping busy which is a good thing. I still have not POAS but probably will tomorrow once we get home from our weekend adventures. My beta is Monday. I feel scared to POAS for some reason. Then it is so final if it is negative... but it could positive. As someone said here in the blogosphere, you just don't know until you know. So I am hopeful, yet all the negative feelings still seem to creep in and take over. My husband is really annoyed by that, but it is SO HARD since I don't feel anything or have symptoms to be absolutely sure and convinced. I always leave room for what could go wrong when I think of things, it is just part of my personality....

So Thursday to stay busy, I went out with K who does my PIO. We had dinner and then she wanted to get her ear pierced, higher up I guess it is called in the cartilage? So I went to a tattoo and piercing parlor with her and watched her get it done. Before the PIO shots I probably could have NEVER watched. But I did and it wasn't too gross to me. Strange! K's hubby was very funny, he was totally against her taking a pregnant lady into a TATOO parlor. I that he was sweet for calling me preggers! Hehe.

Last night we came into H-town and stuffed ourselves with our all time favorite Italian food at M.aggi.an.o's. OMG. SO good. But I know that I ate way, way, way too much. But it was grand. Then we just came home and did the quickest PIO shot ever because dinner has taken like 2.5 hours. Luckily, I had checked with my nurse to see if it was Ok to deviate from my normal time or I would have been freaking OUT. But she said around an hour off would be fine. We were like an hour and 10 minutes off, but hey I got it in and decided I will NOT freak out about it.

So today the boys went to play golf (although it has rained alot so I hope they are playing) and then d is at the gym (which is why I snuck on hubby's computer). She asked me to go along but I opted to stay home and sleep. When she gets back we are going for pedicures. Then we are meeting the boys for lunch at St. A.rno.lds brewery where we will do the tour but of course I will be the DD. Then home for a nap and then we are going to attempt making truffles, cook fajitas in the evening and play some Wii. So it will be fun but relaxing.

So that is about it. Tomorrow I guess will tell me what I have been waiting for. I hope everyone else is doing great. And congratulations to Kahla who got her BFP yesterday!!! Congratulations girl, that is awesome!

Monday, February 9, 2009

waiting and wondering, wondering and waiting

7dp5dt. OMG, when is this going to be over? But yet, don't let it be OVER over. Just let it be Sunday night so I can POAS and see what is going on. I have made a vow not to do it until then. But let me tell you it is HARD. Especially right now when the hubster is not home. And he will not be home until at least 7:30 every night this week. UGGGH. I do and don't want to do it.

So nothing much going on. I got my progesterone level back - 18.3 - which I have no idea what that means and I can't remember what it was the last time for my FET and apparently I didn't write it down for some reason. I asked if it was OK or if it was low and the only response was it is OK but tends to go down from here. So good thing that I just upped the PIO, that is indeed what they had intended. One minute I feel like I am having sypmtoms and one minute I don't. I just wonder how much is the progesterone talking. Probably most if not all of it.

Speaking of those biotches, I actually have been giving them to myself!!! Well, sorta, hubby pinches and I stick the needle in and try to hold steady while hubby pushes the medicine slowly in. This past weekend my friend had to go out of town and this coming weekend we will be out of town so we thought we better learn. Hubby is very shaky and he is afraid of hurting me so up to this point he has refused to even think about doing it. But I think our little team work thing does pretty good and he is not so freaked out about it now that he sees it isn't too horrible. I really NEVER thought I could stick a needle that big into my bum on my own, but it turns out I CAN. There are so many things I can do that I never thought I could. That is one thing the IF crapola has been good for...

Other than that, work is busy which I suppose is good. And we have plans for the weekend so that is extra good because I need distractions.

We will be going to H-town to see my husband's cousin and her husband. They are the one's I say are our friends that happen to be family. We have been hanging out since college so it is always a good time. They know minimal about our current IF. I used to see a doc in H-town and so I would stay overnight with them and we were pretty open with almost everything at that point. But it got to where I kinda felt what I told them might be told to others. That is kinda how the hubby's family IS. And I like to think they don't do it maliciously but it just happens. So I feel like (and hubby also, pretty strongly actually) that if we tell them something that should be secret, but someone in the family (that is what I call them, like the m.af.ia, THE FAMILY) might ask them about it trying to find out and they would so cave thinking that person would keep it secret. Which they would NOT. What one knows, they all know. There are 4 aunts plus my MIL in a small town with population maybe 200, what do you expect. They have nothing else to do but get in each others business. And while I know I can trust this couple, I also don't want to put them in a position where they may accidentally say something and then I have to be mad at them even though they didn't mean to do it on purpose. Does any of this make sense? Probably not....

Anyway, recently they have gotten wind that something is up. We had talked about taking a trip to Napa Valley on Spring Break, but then my hubby thinking he was being helpful, which it ended up just starting stuff, brought it up recently and threw out some other vacation ideas and they were like "we thought it was already settled" and my hubs said that we didn't want to go somewhere that drinking was the main attraction. And they are what? drinking is ALWAYs the main attraction. And truly, yes, normally it is when we get together ;-) And so now also this weekend I can't drink and I have already told them that. So they know something is UP for SURE, but they don't know what. It is a big huge elephant in the room and I don't know what to do about it. They are mad because they think we don't trust them and we are annoyed that they think they need to know and that we SHOULD tell them. On the other hand if I AM prego, they will probably be one of the first we will tell. Crazy, huh? I know, it really is. I go back and forth everyday whether to tell them what is going on this weekend. One minute, I want to and hubby doesn't, the next he wants to and I don't. We just don't know. The end.

OK, well thanks for hanging in there for my rambling. If you are still awake, have a good evening every one! And thanks very much for your continued comments and support. You are all so sweet and I really enjoy my bloggie friends! I need to catch up with some of you tonight as well.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Up, down and all around...

That is my blog motto and that is exactly how I have been feeling this week.

I did go back to work and it is busy, but as some of you mentioned it might be, it was certainly a welcome thing to have to concentrate on something else. And I have promised myself to manage the stress with gracefulness. And so far it is working. I just do one thing at a time, it will all get done. I do admit though I am a little feistier than usual. But I think it is working for me.

Wednesday I felt pretty good. I still had alot of bloating but I wasn't totally uncomfortable. I laughed alot. ALOT that day. Big belly laughing that couldn't stop at some things that happened that day. I was hoping that was Ok for the embryos, surely they are protected. Most funny was when I was at my friends house for my PIO shot. We work together and somehow we got on the topic of work and how we can't believe some people are still working there after 30 years and how they dress, act, complain, etc.! It is a whole long story of course, that probably only WE think is funny, but basically right before the shot she tells me at one point they had hired a woman who had scabies. Now I don't even know wHAT THAT IS except that the reason they found out was because the lady smelled like flea shampoo because that is how you got rid of them (and she was fired after 3 days not sure if it was because of that or other things). Now she tells me this with my bare butt cheek about to be poked with an inch and half needle and I couldn't stop laughing and SHE couldn't stop. So we both held our breath, did the deed and continued our laughter. I still don't know why it was SO funny other than you just had to be there and know our crazy work environment and the characters that work there.

Thursday I just woke up sad though. I just was sad right off the bat. I was sad that my work pants fit me. CRAZY. I know I am crazy, I get it. I do not want life threatening OHSS or anything but since they say it can get worse if you are prego, I guess I was just thinking keeping some of the bloating is better. I can't really tell you how my head works.... I just was having negative feelings that nothing had worked. Then at lunch I got the news than none of our embryos made it to freeze. I was terribly, terribly disappointed. I felt like if none made it to freeze then what about the one's they put in me? And why with all that fertilized this time have we STILL only made 2 blasts. ONLY TWO, one this time, one last time. Now I know some people have not even made it that far and so I feel like a big whiny baby saying that. But it just was very disappointing. And I just wanted to hide and cry but I was at work and then a last minute thing got dumped on me and I had to pull it together pretty quick and get it done. I got home, cried it out and hubby came home. He was able to make me feel better and while he was sad about nothing to freeze we discussed how they have told us they are very particular about what they will freeze, so it has to be great for them to even think of it. He is still convinced this will be a great success so we won't need any frosties. I sure hope he is right and in the back of my mind I can see how we will still have good possibility for success. I am still hopeful.

So today I have been just in the middle (or the all around phase again). I went to get my progesterone draw this morning. Got to the clinic at 7:45 and they didn't have my orders even though I specifically asked my doc about it yesterday and they said I didn't need an appointment or anything. That made me mad but it all worked out. I just went back at 10 and got it done. But then I was so busy with work and was trying to just concentrate on that, I forgot to call to get the results. How dumb was that!? But I reread my instructions and I am pretty sure I up the progesterone no matter what so that is what I plan to do. I might call the L&D number since that is also on my instruction sheet, but I don't know if it is really that important or not. I don't think they will know what I should do either way, but just they could tell me the level that came back from the labs.

I have had a few minor symptoms that might mean I am prego. But they could also all be progesterone. I had a hot flash last night during the night, some weird dreams (but I have those alot anyway), and I have had some cramping/tingle/twinge stuff/pulsing stuff down there. But who knows what that really is. I could drive myself crazy thinking of the possibilities.

I am trying stay busy this weekend. Hubby mentioned maybe going somewhere although I don't know where that wouldn't cost us tons of money or be far away. We'll see. I definitely do want to get the checkbook all squared away and I am sure I will finish our taxes. Sadly, I almost look forward to doing these things. That shows just how lame my life has become, hahah! Just kidding....

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Random List: so many things floating in my mind

I have so much all twisted up in my head. So this post may just be gobbledy goop splatted all over the page. So that is your warning in case you want to stop reading now!

  • I woke up at 2:30 again last night, this time no gas pain since I ate something with the antbiotic when I took it, but because I had major cramps that woke me up. At first I was all yeah baby, cramp away! But then I just wanted it to stop because it really hurt so bad I couldn't sleep. I went to the bathroom and it stopped. So now I am left wondering. I have felt mild crampiness today. I hate the wondering, it drives me insane.

  • IVF #2 has been so different. Different in that everything worked correctly for the most part and I was cheery and took one day at a time. The doctor even complimented me on how well I had done yesterday before the transfer and that they were really proud of me. I would have loved to have transferred all blasts but hey at least I had 3 left to transfer and more still going at the time (haven't heard about the others). But oddly during and after the transfer yesterday I just was kinda like "Ok it is over now". I am not as excited out of my mind as the first time and I don't know what that is about. I wonder if that is a bad thing or what? I am somehow in disbelief that IVF #2 happened and now I must wait. It is SO WIERD if you ask me. Why do I feel that way? I should be ecstatic and unable to contain myself. Instead I am just "well that's over". Terrible.

  • I had to call the Dr again this mornig. Ugh! I slept so well but couldn't really sleep late because my neck was hurting. So I got up and started watching TV but got kinda comfy and started drifting off. So I napped for a moment in kind of an upright position on the couch and then decided to lay down. When I layed flat on my right side I had some girgling in my lungs and coughed when I was trying to breath. So I tried my left side and then my whole chest hurt! I was concerned since they told me yesterday to watch out for any sign there is fluid on my lungs. And the fluid in my abdomen has seemed to go down so I was concerned it had moved to the lungs, which I of course don't even know if that is possible, but you KNOW the mind can play dirty tricks on you. So I called and the nurse said she would see what Dr. W said and call back. Then I was just so mad at myself to even be bothering them! ACKAKCKACK. So when she called back she said to just watch it to see if it gets worse and I blurted out to her that I hate being a patient and sorta started crying. I said I don't want to be a patient any more because I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me and I HATE IT. She said don't feel bad for calling but I just felt really dumb.

  • I still cough if I try to lay down on the right side and still feel like there is a little fluid, but it is not worse than this AM. I can however lay flat on my back with no problem. So apprently my hubby is correct that I am just a hypochondriac. Pregancy is going to be long for me... I just need to stay away from reading ANYTHING about it and do whatever I am told. And lucky me that he will be looking at me saying, but you wanted THIS! Not that he doesn't want it... but I know he is going to remind me everytime I complain about anything.

  • Doctor said to stay away from salt. UGH UGH UGh now all I want is salt. I just made myself tomato soup. It said no added salt, but I swear it was still so good and salty. Ooops.

  • I checked my work email from home today and tomorrow will suck when I go back tomorrow. Somehow I have to not stress out over it, but seeing how tightly I am wound just being at home alone relaxing today, I really wonder how in the world that will work.

  • The friend who we are visiting, not this weekend but the next, who I said before that I needed to do a whole post on that situation, called me today. She had emailed me yesterday and didn't get my auto reply and was wondering if I was avoiding her. She also was wondering why I was off work but I tried to dodge the question. I will still post more about that later. But I know she is wondering and her and her husband will discuss it and try to figure it all out. They probably know but don't know what exactly is going on. MORE UGHs!!!! Should we tell them when we visit? Should I POAS before that weekend? What if it is negative and then I am a total mess? What if it is positive and then we tell and something happens!? ACK brain please just stop already.

  • Husband had jury duty today. He didn't want to be picked but then acted disappointed that he wasnt. ???!!!???!!???

  • I have been avoiding doing our checkbook at all costs. I just don't want to know and instead I have just spent whatever I felt like. Likely a hugely bad decision. But I just still don't want to see the damage. Denial.

  • I have everything for our taxes except one thing that is hopefully in the mail as we speak.
  • My friend gave me Arrested Development Season 1 to watch today. Now I really want a chocolate covered banana. YUM!

  • I keep getting tagged to do the "25 things about you" on FB. I keep avoiding it since the 25 things I can think to say right now, I don't want everyone in the world to know about. And somehow through five years of IF I have become VERY boring and can't tell you a single thing about myself that is remotely interesting or that I do for fun. Very sad.

  • And now I must get out of this funk and get on with life.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Transferred Up

I feel like I have really been absent! I haven't posted because the last few days have kinda sucked. I have felt really terrible and so I haven't been up to much at all and all I could think of to write was complainy, whiny stuff. Which I know you would all understand, but I just felt like it would be too sad so I declined. The good news is today I feel much better.

To try to sum it all up... Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I was really bloated and uncomfortable but nothing of the really bad signs they warn you about. Sometimes I thought I was having shortness of breath, but to me if you THINK about that then you can basically make it happen so I was never quite sure. The worst part was the terrible, terrible and painful gas I was getting and oddly it showed up around 3am every night. And I had to get up and walk and hope and pray that some would come out while chugging tums and Mylanta. It would temporarily help until I laid down for a while again and then it was back. It was so painful, I was thinking is this what pregnancy is going to be like?

I tried eating more protein and drinking tons of Gatorade**. I even resorted to calling L&D twice to talk to a resident to try to make sure that this indeed was gas and wasn't caused by something else or somehow was something bad. They always were very helpful and did say there were cause for concern considering the amount of eggs that were retrieved. But I made it through without ever going in to see them since it is a 2 hour drive.

This morning though I decided to call my clinic to see what they thought since I was never able to talk to my actual doctor all weekend. I was concerned if something bad was going on that maybe the transfer was not a good idea. They suggested blood work to see if anything was going on. I am fine with them saying suck it up, I can do that! but I just wanted to be certain nothing else was going on.

So when I got to my transfer appointment, they said all was well with the blood work and I was relieved. They did check my abdomen for fluid and my right ovary is like floating up in my abdomen, but they didn't seem to be surprised and said the fluid is really not as bad as is could be this point. They thought the gas was from the antibiotic and since I take it at the same time every night, whala it shows up at the same time every night.

So then the embryologist came to say we had 4 morulas and he thought we should transfer 3. I was disappointed that we didn't have blasts but he said that he had looked at them in the morning so things could have changed and looked better now. We went through all the possibilities, my meds, the whole shabang and then it was time for the transfer.

When we went to the transfer room and they showed the embies on the screen, 1 was at blast and another almost there and still one other a compacting morula. I was very happy! And the even better news... we have one more morula that will probably make it to blast and we can freeze, but the BEST news is the that remaining 7 of our 20 mature eggs also fertilized (it just took longer)! So we have 16 still chugging in the cleavage stage and we might get some more to freeze out of that. It is a long shot since they all fertilized late, but it is possible.

The transfer was odd for me this time. Like I didn't feel it was happening. I am excited, but I just don't know if it is because it is the second time or what. I feel somewhat in disbelief that I just transferred 3 embies into me! And now I am pregnant until proven otherwise. YAY!

Thanks everyone for all your great comments. It has been wonderful to have you all with me this time. Now I just have to make it through the 2ww. I need to start making a list of things to distract me!!

**It turns out they think all the Gatorade I was drinking was bad because it has too much sodium. Maybe I was drinking too much or something, but today I stopped and I feel SO MUCH BETTER. I can't even SAY how much better. I was even able to eat without feeling bad after and I feel less pressure under my abdomen. Just be careful with it is all I am saying! Maybe there was something else I was supposed to be doing along with that and I didn't know. I am not sure.