Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I think I might be on the naughty list

He's makin' a list,
checkin' it twice,
gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is coming to town.

He's sees me when I'm talking,
rudely on the phone.
To the doctor's office,
to the secretary who must live alone.

She's always rude,
no matter what I do,
and then I feel like its my fault too.
Why do I have to deal with this?

I try to be so good,
but then I get impatient.
Cause I spend all of my life,
awatin' watin' watin' watin' watin' ...

So I know I'm on the list,
but that's OK,
because I found out
today I got my way.
(Oh yeah) Santa Claus is coming to town!

Soooo... it has been so loooonnnnng because nothing between now and the last time I posted has been happening on the IVF round front except waiting and frustration and I never wanted to really write about it until now that things have worked out. Because before it was all just ANGER ANGER ANGER and today it is at least a little more OK OK OK.

So we just sorta ran over some orange cones with Road Block #1. And there was no damage. So the meds are more expensive... we will deal. At least financially things look better for us this year than they have the past 2 so that is something positive. And if they think that we need to try to do this differently then we should. And a plus is no mixing shots! It comes in a pen. Not that just that little fact will make me any more happy to spend like 5 times the money on meds, but it is something on the bright side.

So in the midst of accepting that we will be Ok with the change up in meds, we have been painfully waiting for a freaking schedule/calendar/some sort of PLAN. I do not do well when I don't know the plan. I need plans. I have no control over anything else BUT THE PLAN. And they said they would have a plan on November 24. No plan but soon, very soon, likely by next week. First come first serve you know. On December 5 still no plan. On December 12, nada. December 22 STILL NOTHING AND WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF THE 3 MONTH SUPPLY OF BC I STARTED TAKING NOVEMBER 3. (ok so admittedly maybe some anger still there). During this time, my husband keeps asking me about the PLAN and why haven't they given it to me. He thinks I am being amazingly more patient (WOW complement) than I had been in the past. HE admits he is getting fed up while I say on Friday December 19, you know, let's just have a good time over Christmas and enjoy our new year and call them in 2009. He agreed.

But then I went to 2 Christmas's over the weekend with my 5 and almost 3 year old adorable cousin's and my pregnant (from IVF) cousin. And a 1 month first grand child on the other side of the family. And by Monday waiting and cruising through the holidays like I had said so breezily on Friday was just not really a possibility anymore.

Over the span of time mentioned above (which YES hello I know is NOT THAT LONG in the grand scheme but felt like a total eternity) I would talk to the nurse K about the situation, I was fine. Because she puts it in a way that I am OK with. She is funny and nice and wants the best for me and understands that it is taking an incredibly long unnecessary amount of time to get my calender. I am all understanding and completely OK but still slightly frustrated when I talk to Nurse K. But we see eye to eye, we are cool, no hard feelings. Mi Compadre.

When I talk to secretary Y. I get nothing but attitude the second I even say my name. I don't know WHERE I went wrong but she just doesn't like me. She is all cheery and happy until I say "This is BB". And then she puts me on hold (EVERY TIME) and comes back on all haughty and I can't believe you are actually calling me again. And gives me a speech about how busy they are and it is first come first serve. Sorry for YOUR frustration but you just have to understand that it is first come first serve. We got 7 calendars today but none of them are yours so I don't know what to tell you.

Well yesterday, I had enough of the "first come first serve" speech and just retorted back that I underSTAND the first come first serve rule but I have been calling to get on the January schedule SINCE SEPTEMBER SO I GUESS I WILL JUST CALL BACK AFTER THE FIRST OF THE YEAR. Do I get a well let me check to see if there are any problems? or I will call you back by this day or anything!? No, I just OK, BYE. I was Soooo pissed. But what could I do about it? Nothing. And all my bitching and moaning wasn't going to change that they hadn't gotten to it yet and I KNEW that. But I still made my hubby listen about it and he reminded me of my easy breezy Friday December 19 attitude. But even that didn't really help. (And it hasn't helped the crankiness that I am sick with soar throat)

But I guess I either got put on the naughty list OR they felt bad OR it was just finally my turn and if I could have been patient ONE MORE DAY, because Nurse K called me this afternoon to tell me my schedule is ready but not ready. It was ready but he did the wrong protocol. So my egg retrieval is tentatively scheduled for January 28. But they will supposedly email the revision tomorrow (Christmas Eve which what kind of hellacious pain do you have to be to get them to do that on a holiday!?). But my point is, finally, I have some semblance of a plan.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Approaching Road Block #1

Well things were going to so smoothly. And you know it would be just too much for things to go right.

It is really not THAT bad but it was certainly unexpected news that I got today. I called again to see about my schedule and talked to Nurse K. She said she was going to start making the embryologist start returning and fielding calls because he is the one who has to make everyone's scheules an is behind and everyone is calling her. But she said it in a funny way that made me laugh (not the receptionist way that makes me want to throw something).

But after my little laugh she said but we can order your meds. And I am all, oh I have 24 vials of re.pro.nex so what else do I need? Well, they want me to take F.ollis.tim and not R.epro.nex this time!!!!!!!!!!!! UGHHHHHHH! I am totally for changing it up an I am not against them trying to change my protocal at ALL since it obviously did not work last time. BUT F.OLLIS.TIM is freakin' expensive! And I was NOT PREPARED for that. I was prepared for the medicine I already have paid for and such. I asked them that question a few months ago when we were deciding what to do and they said I certainly could use it. But since then they changed their minds.

So now what to do with an unexpected cost upwards of $3000, probably $4000 after all said and done?! I just don't know what to do now. I feel like we need to stop in our tracks.

Which isn't really a problem since I still have no schedule.

I am just very disappointed.

Friday, December 5, 2008

I will survive, hey, hey

Well, I have officially survived my 30th birthday. And hearing that my best friend from high school is pregnant with her second kid all in the same week (which of course she totally can't help and I am happy for her). Thirty was going to be rough no matter what, but that didn't really help. Luckily I didn't melt into a huge puddle on the floor and I survived. There were a few tears but I am through it now and hopeful that soon I can join not just the 30's club but maybe the mommy club. Only time will tell though.

Now I just have to survive an all girls Christmas party this weekend. One of my high school girlfriends (who was also my college roommate for a few years and I see pretty often still) likes to have an annual high school class girls Christmas party every year. In my early 20's I really looked forward to it, it was a great chance to see everyone and laugh and it was like old times. But after 25 and we were all married and graduated from college and settled in various places, well now I really don't look forward to it. That is because now everyone that is married except for 2 girls now all have 2 kids already. EVERYONE. One of those 2 is trying and the other has one kid. Grant it, we are from a very small, small town so it is the norm to have 2 kids before 30. And I don't begrudge them that they do have kids, it's just that I don't and I feel like they don't get that.

So I have been dreading this party for a while. Because guess what southern women from small towns talk about who are our age?!!!!!!! Babies. And either getting them, having them or rearing them. And that is really about it. Maybe some gossip is thrown in there somewhere but not really too much is interesting to me because I don't know anyone who really lives there anymore.

So why do I go you ask? Well a few years ago I skipped. And the WRATH of my friend who throws it was just too much for someone like me to handle. I hate people being mad at me, or even be the slightest upset with me or anything like that. And she was really upset with me. I did feel bad. I mean she consults with me about everything for the party: when to have it, who to invite, what to eat, what time should it start, what gifts should we exchange. That makes me feel good that she always wants me so involved because she honestly doesn't consult with anyone else. So I find it my duty to go and make it through. And usually I go and it is fun. But as the years go by and I still don't have kids, it sure gets hard.

Oh another killer... we all write what we think we will be doing the next year at that time and put it in a bottle and we open the little notes the next year. TALK about PAINFUL. Who the hell knows what I wrote last year. And everyone wants to know why I don't have kids. I know that they know I have problems because no one asks anymore. But they all wait for me to open up to them and I just.... can't. I feel like I want to but I can't. It is so stupid. But I did everything right in school. I was second in my class, I don't mean to sound conceited but I excelled at pretty much anything I did. Or was at least decent at it. But I am a failure at this. And I just can't seem to say it out loud to them and let them sympathize with me. I don't want their advice or antidotes or even their comfort!? Why is that?

So I know I will survive just like I do all the time. Just like I did my birthday as everyone was telling me how young I am. And how 30 is the new 20 and whatever. And I really don't think 30 is that old except that all the books and doctors say that my eggs are getting old! According to them they are now diminishing in quality and number until 35 and all that. And I feel like my chances are so limited now. Even though I know that just because I turned a number yesterday that my eggs are just the same as a few weeks before and will be the same (hopefully!!!) in a month when I get to try again. But, at 25 when I started trying I thought if I hadn't had a kid by 30 it would just be OVER. But now it is here and I don't feel like it is anywhere near over. So I will keep surviving. In the end I guess none of us have a choice but to keep moving toward our goal and surviving none the less if we haven't reached it yet.

Side note: I still don't have my new IVF calendar for January!! It would make me so happy if they would send it to me soon and I didn't have to call and ask about it again. Here's hoping.