I will survive, hey, hey

Well, I have officially survived my 30th birthday. And hearing that my best friend from high school is pregnant with her second kid all in the same week (which of course she totally can't help and I am happy for her). Thirty was going to be rough no matter what, but that didn't really help. Luckily I didn't melt into a huge puddle on the floor and I survived. There were a few tears but I am through it now and hopeful that soon I can join not just the 30's club but maybe the mommy club. Only time will tell though.

Now I just have to survive an all girls Christmas party this weekend. One of my high school girlfriends (who was also my college roommate for a few years and I see pretty often still) likes to have an annual high school class girls Christmas party every year. In my early 20's I really looked forward to it, it was a great chance to see everyone and laugh and it was like old times. But after 25 and we were all married and graduated from college and settled in various places, well now I really don't look forward to it. That is because now everyone that is married except for 2 girls now all have 2 kids already. EVERYONE. One of those 2 is trying and the other has one kid. Grant it, we are from a very small, small town so it is the norm to have 2 kids before 30. And I don't begrudge them that they do have kids, it's just that I don't and I feel like they don't get that.

So I have been dreading this party for a while. Because guess what southern women from small towns talk about who are our age?!!!!!!! Babies. And either getting them, having them or rearing them. And that is really about it. Maybe some gossip is thrown in there somewhere but not really too much is interesting to me because I don't know anyone who really lives there anymore.

So why do I go you ask? Well a few years ago I skipped. And the WRATH of my friend who throws it was just too much for someone like me to handle. I hate people being mad at me, or even be the slightest upset with me or anything like that. And she was really upset with me. I did feel bad. I mean she consults with me about everything for the party: when to have it, who to invite, what to eat, what time should it start, what gifts should we exchange. That makes me feel good that she always wants me so involved because she honestly doesn't consult with anyone else. So I find it my duty to go and make it through. And usually I go and it is fun. But as the years go by and I still don't have kids, it sure gets hard.

Oh another killer... we all write what we think we will be doing the next year at that time and put it in a bottle and we open the little notes the next year. TALK about PAINFUL. Who the hell knows what I wrote last year. And everyone wants to know why I don't have kids. I know that they know I have problems because no one asks anymore. But they all wait for me to open up to them and I just.... can't. I feel like I want to but I can't. It is so stupid. But I did everything right in school. I was second in my class, I don't mean to sound conceited but I excelled at pretty much anything I did. Or was at least decent at it. But I am a failure at this. And I just can't seem to say it out loud to them and let them sympathize with me. I don't want their advice or antidotes or even their comfort!? Why is that?

So I know I will survive just like I do all the time. Just like I did my birthday as everyone was telling me how young I am. And how 30 is the new 20 and whatever. And I really don't think 30 is that old except that all the books and doctors say that my eggs are getting old! According to them they are now diminishing in quality and number until 35 and all that. And I feel like my chances are so limited now. Even though I know that just because I turned a number yesterday that my eggs are just the same as a few weeks before and will be the same (hopefully!!!) in a month when I get to try again. But, at 25 when I started trying I thought if I hadn't had a kid by 30 it would just be OVER. But now it is here and I don't feel like it is anywhere near over. So I will keep surviving. In the end I guess none of us have a choice but to keep moving toward our goal and surviving none the less if we haven't reached it yet.

Side note: I still don't have my new IVF calendar for January!! It would make me so happy if they would send it to me soon and I didn't have to call and ask about it again. Here's hoping.