Friday, October 28, 2011

So I have been in hiding...

Because I am pregnant.   (!!!!!!!!!)

I just haven't known how to say it here.  I know that sounds so crazy, but I just don't know what to say.  I have seen so many others say that and now I can totally relate.  After struggling for so long, it's hard to come out and say I am indeed pregnant or even believe it myself.  I just feel like it will jinx it in a big, big way.  And once again with the crazy.  I guess I will never be able to get rid of it.

We transferred 2 blasts on July 28.  Finally, after the tweaks to my meds courtesy of MUA, there was no fluid in my uterus.  Just call me doctor.  But I digress....  the blasts fully expanded and Dr. S said they looked "as good as a fresh transfer".  YAY something went right!!  That was after I had to ask the nurse to pee 3 times!  I had to pee so bad that my blood pressure was skyrocketing and I was breaking out in a cold sweat.  Then the ultrasound tech said my you DO HAVE a big bladder.  I was still more than full enough for transfer and you better believe I used that bedpan as soon as they asked. 

Then I laid in bed for 2 days while my husband waited on me.  Best 2 days of my life :-)  He was a very good nurse.

Then I peed on lots of sticks.  Then came the betas which didn't double or increase quite appropriately enough.  BUT all was FINE.  This was my last beef with CO.  They weren't DROPPING, but the 1st to the 2nd just wasn't in their 60% increase range.  I had them drawn at 2 different labs and some of it could have been lab difference.  Then from the 2nd to 3rd and 3rd to 4th the increase was better but not in their range until the last one.  But still they continued with the "we don't know, it still may not be good".  It was indicating something positive and they were totally not being hopeful at all.  I point blank asked the nurse what their problem was.  I get they had to CYA, but it made it much harder on me. 

Then finally... ultrasound confirmed 1 little bean in there and nothing ectopic.

I am 14w4d 15w6d (see still put off posting another week!).  Miracles do happen. 

Due April 14.  Our ten year anniversary is the 20th.  We are looking forward to this wonderful gift.

But its funny how I can still convince myself it isn't working/happening to me.  After 8 HPTs, 4 blood tests, and 5 ultrasounds, I can still somehow convince myself somedays it's not really happening.  But it is!  Only one slight scare at the last appointment because they tried to find the heartbeat on doppler and couldn't.  Ultrasound showed I have an anterior placenta so little squirt was just hiding behind it.  "I was so relieved" is an understatement.  Even my husband says that wast he worst feeling ever.  It hasn't helped with the anxiety.  Instead of remembering the good part - that all was well - my mind goes back to the bad part when they couldn't find the HB.  I just keep waiting for the bad thing to happen.

More news today.  I had the quadruple screen bloodwork drawn Wednesday.  I thought it would be next week before they call with results.  They called today and it was all normal. I am not at any higher risk than anyone else in my age group.  I was asking for more details, but the nurse didn't really know how to read the results very well and she said she would mail them to me.  First, I said yes.  Then I said no!  I don't need that much information.  I am just used to having so much information through everything.  So I am sure the doc will explain on my next appointment.  Which is still a week and a half away.  Sigh.  I basically live for those days.  I just pray all is still well in there.

So.  There you have it.  I am very blessed.  I am doing my very best to remember every day just how much!!!  Work has been really stressing me and that makes me mad/sad at my job.  So when I get home I try to think of all this happy, happy, wonderful stuff in my life.