Sunday, February 15, 2009

Bust

Well I POAS and it was negative. I am numb and know the emotion of it hasn't even begun to come out yet. I don't want to believe it. I was so sure this was it. And my husband was so sure.

I don't have a clue what comes next. There is the slightest of slightest of the very slightests that the test could be wrong and the blood work will show differently. But let's be honest, that is highly unlikely and just very wishful thinking.

I haven't even thought beyond this because I was so sure it would work. I have put my entire life off for the past 5 years. Not wanting to change jobs, not wanting to go back to school, basically losing everything about myself that I used to take pride in because I wanted this one thing. A baby, a family of more than two. But I guess I need to begin to focus on something else. If this doesn't happen my life can't end. And that is how I have been living. I don't do anything I enjoy anymore. In fact I don't even KNOW what I enjoy anymore. I have been just one huge ball of indecision not wanting anything to interfere or take money from the next time we try. I lived every day for the next time we would try even though that has mostly been years apart. I have stood still while time kept moving the past 5 years.

I just wish I could flee everyone I know and the fact that they have kids or if they don't yet, that they they will soon. I just wish I wasn't me. I wish that alot actually. I just wish I was a totally different person altogether.

12 comments:

  1. It could still be positive....wait for the blood test. And, if it's not, you try again or take a break. I know how much all of this sucks...I totally understand everything you said. First you have to find the things that make you happy again..there is no reasoon to not enjoy life while waiting for what you want. From what I have read, most people go through Ivf more than once before it works. Go into the next round a different person...find the old you.

    Hang in there...I am thinkng about you.

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  2. arg. wtf? i hate IF. your beta is tomorrow, right? i'm still keeping my fingers crossed, but i know how you feel.

    sending positive thoughts your way.
    xoxo

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  3. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I know there is nothing I can say to make it hurt less and I pray that tomorrow brings different news. I will be sending lots of P&PT your way. ((HUGS))

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  4. Your grief is understandable. I hope you will find comfort and peace in those who love you.

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  5. Oh honey! Sending big huge hugs your way...I am so very sorry.

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  6. Ugh. Those evil sticks. I am so very sorry. Still have my fingers crossed for you tomorrow, but I know it is difficult to feel hopeful. I do think rediscovering self can only be good for you. Take care of yourself.

    Grade A/Magsy

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  7. i'm so sorry. it is really important to find a way to try to live your life, the life you have now without a baby, but that never has to mean that you're also giving up on pursuing that dream. wishing you peace figuring out where to go next.

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  8. Oh, BB. I'm really sad for you. I really wish things had turned out differently.

    Take extra special care of yourself. You're in my thoughts.

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  9. oh bb! I was away and just am catching up now. By now maybe you've had a beta with different results (I am hopeful for you) but that does not make a negative easier to take. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts- and wish for you a stealth positive and no matter what, peace.

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  10. BB, sorry to hear about your home test. Don't give up hope yet. Your beta is Tuesday isn't it. So you really were testing a little bit too early.

    Your future has so much in store for you. You are a very special and loving person. Don't let one little result change how you feel about yourself. I know it is difficult, but you will get through this.

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  12. Oh, BB -- I'm so, so sorry to hear this. I know you will get through this and come out a stronger person, but right now it hurts and I'm so sorry your friends here can't take the pain away.

    I will be thinking of you.

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