Well I POAS and it was negative. I am numb and know the emotion of it hasn't even begun to come out yet. I don't want to believe it. I was so sure this was it. And my husband was so sure.
I don't have a clue what comes next. There is the slightest of slightest of the very slightests that the test could be wrong and the blood work will show differently. But let's be honest, that is highly unlikely and just very wishful thinking.
I haven't even thought beyond this because I was so sure it would work. I have put my entire life off for the past 5 years. Not wanting to change jobs, not wanting to go back to school, basically losing everything about myself that I used to take pride in because I wanted this one thing. A baby, a family of more than two. But I guess I need to begin to focus on something else. If this doesn't happen my life can't end. And that is how I have been living. I don't do anything I enjoy anymore. In fact I don't even KNOW what I enjoy anymore. I have been just one huge ball of indecision not wanting anything to interfere or take money from the next time we try. I lived every day for the next time we would try even though that has mostly been years apart. I have stood still while time kept moving the past 5 years.
I just wish I could flee everyone I know and the fact that they have kids or if they don't yet, that they they will soon. I just wish I wasn't me. I wish that alot actually. I just wish I was a totally different person altogether.