Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Thanks; and then lots of whining

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for your comments and support. It really did make me feel better to read each one. And there is one that I must have hit the wrong button ... I didn't mean to delete a comment from Maredsous! I am so sorry! I did not mean to do that at all.

The beta was negative. I haven't set up any appointments to discuss what they think happened. I haven't felt up to it yet. I don't even know what I want to do next or if we should change clinics or what. I know many people have to do multiple tries before it works. But I feel like our embryos are just really crappy for some reason. They just stop growing after a certain point. I mean we ended up with one blast on each try. And I know I should not complain, some end up with NONE. I discussed some of this with the embryologist (when he called me at home on a Saturday! on his birthday!) and it could be all kinds of problems. Or he suggests trying a 3 day transfer. At the time we were discussing it "intellectually" as he said since we didn't know if indeed I might be pregnant. Ha!

So I don't know if I will be posting much here for now. If/when we try again it will be another year. That is what saddens me the most. Financially, we can't make another run until a new flex plan year. And I think it might be time for me to pursue grad school since this isn't working out. The thing about that is that I don't really know what I want to do.

I have an undergrad in Agribusiness (which is so useful!). So I was thinking accounting. I just don't want to pay all that money for school and end up in the same direction as my current job in preaward grant administration. And that is BOREDOM or it still just not being what I want to wake up every morning and do. That is not to say I am bored from lack of work at my job, I am just tired of the same old crap that never changes. I just need change and new challenges every couple of years. I am hitting my max for having been in the same position for the past 4 years, working on 5 years and there is no room for growth unless someone quits or retires. It is the perfect job if you have kids at home. Flexible and not so all consuming that it would interfere with family life. But it is extremely repetitive, dealing with the same issues over and over that eventually it drives you crazy. Burn out is HIGH and I feel like I am too young to feel "stuck" with a job I no longer like. Without a kid on the way I don't think I can last where I am much longer. I need something more challenging that can offer change and promotion every few years. And now that I don't need any of my saved up vacation or sick leave, it is the perfect time to go.

Any accountants out there? If so, what do you do in a typical day? I hate that about any degree you look at, you can't see what people actually DO all day. You just get all this academic-y mumbo jumbo BIG WORDs stuff. I find myself intelligent, but sometimes deciphering that stuff is really hard and having never held an 'accounting' job, I wonder what I am getting myself into if that is the route I choose. I am creative by nature so I wonder if that is right for me. I thought marketing at one point, but it is so sales-y. And I am not good at sales.

But of course this leads to so many, many more answered questions. How to pay for it (we are still paying for both our undergrads and my husbands MS for the next 20 years)? Where should I go ? What's the best program? Where can I even get in? Where will I work? Will we have to sell our house and move? Do I really want to live like a college student again? Will I have to start out with an entry level, low paying job when I get out? How long will it take me to finish? UGH! The list goes on.

And then there is the guilt of spending money on education and having none to pursue baby as I just get older and older. SIGH (ok, I know I am not that old, but through all the IF stuff I thought for SURE I would have babies by now)

Sorry that this post is just about as bad as the last one.... I really am trying to come out of this but it is going to take more time. And probably alot of wine.


  1. BB,
    No worries. I think you should feel good about pursuing your education. Don't worry too much about the money. It should pay itself off mentally if not financially. Maybe you can find a job that has tuition reimbursement? I would do what your heart tells you. There is nothing wrong with taking a break and just figuring out your situation. Maybe with the stimulus package there will be more grants for retraining and education.

    Whatever you decide. Good luck. I will be thinking of you and wishing you the very best.

  2. :( i'm so sorry to hear that it is final and you have to wait so long! *hugs*

  3. oh gosh, i'm sorry you have to wait for so long. if you do make a follow-up appointment maybe you can bring that up. i have heard several stories of people who couldn't afford to continue treatment being offered into special programs from research studies to donated meds. sounds like you have plenty to think about in the meantime though.

  4. I am so sorry you are going through this... When you get your spirits up again, I would HIGHLY recommend a 2nd opinion - they are often free. Maybe even think about a phone consult with CCRM? I am wondering if there is a lab issue @ your clinic b/c you make SOOOOOO many eggs and then they sputter out. It seems to be there is more going on then just bad luck. I understand the financial stress - as previous posters have mentioned there are grants, studies, health care loans and shared risk programs are always an option.
    Sounds like you are ready for a big change - I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

  5. Sending warm thoughts your way- hoping you find something that calls to you so clearly it becomes The Thing to Do-- and
    sometimes the answer will be surprising. I wish you all good things.

  6. I waited to post hoping to find just the right words, but all I can come up with is how sorry I am that the BETA was negative. I was hoping against hope that the HPT was wrong for you. I agree w/Emily that I would look into a second opinion if that is an option for you. You do make a huge number of eggs and I would think that perhaps there is a change in protocol or testing, or something. I totally get the financial aspect, after 5 fresh IVFs, we are in debt up to our ears. We did use Capital One Healthcare and they were super easy to work with and get approved through. Since it's a loan, it has a payoff, unlike credit cards. Whatever comes your way I am wishing you nothing but success and will definitely be following along and cheering you on!