Thursday, May 21, 2009


I have a thing for one word titles these days.
{and I thought I would try out a new font...}

~~~warning really terribly rambly and exceptionally ranty edition~~~

So we had our consult with C.CR.M last night. I really don't know what to say about it, it left me in a weird place to some degree. I had finally kinda got in the groove of just trying to enjoy my life and not worry and constantly think of this infertility crap and have hope and patience that some day it will happen for us. But in light of the recent announcement in the family I am feeling blue. And so I thought the consult would help that and now it kinda also left me feeling blue.

So we talked to the infamous Dr. Sch.oolc.raft and he was very nice. I summed up our history and all that and it basically boils down to we don't know if my eggs are good and we don't know if there are chromosomal issues. But he does think it is best to try at one more lab before we give up or move on to possibly donor eggs. I knew he was going to say donor eggs, I just KNEW it. GAH. Not that I have a problem with DEs really I just don't know if it is for me or what my husband thinks about it. BLAH BLAH move on to the part where he says that obviously something is very wrong if you only get 2 blasts out of however many (31 but who is counting!?) eggs over 2 cycles. How about some truth for you? You didn't want to hear the truth? Well too bad. So there it was, I could barely talk after that. Like what do you say to that, the man is quite obviously right but I don't want him to be right. I wanted him to say come on up here and we can make you preggo!!!! Yeah, as we all know that didn't happen.

He is not a fan of the ovarian drilling but I knew that was coming too. It would not mean they would not treat us but he wasn't sure how that might possibly affect the Shared Risk Financing which is through a third party and they decide who they will or will not accept.

So then aside from we don't know if you can even make good healthy embryos, there is the cost of the whole damn thing. Which we have no money for and I have no ideas of how to get. So husband goes into thinking mode and I am just still in my quiet place of I don't know what to do but I want to DO IT despite all logical thinking.

So his idea - sell our house and live only on his salary while saving mine for the IVF starting in September. In theory a very good plan. But I want to say to him - have you met us? The two of us? We can't even keep to our own 'allowances' under control each month. And you want us to try one salary? I do think he is right that it could work, however I just think we will get into the middle of it and he will get frustrated, which will frustrate ME, and we won't save a dime.

Also I can't tell if the husband may be ready to give up. Which is NOT a place where I am currently. People spend lots and lots of money on very stupid, stupid things all the time and this is not even a STUPID thing but it does cost lots and lots of money. And I know he is right that we don't need to go into more debt, but damn it all, that means I have to wait some MORE and what if in the mean time something ELSE bad happens that affects my (in)fertility? I can't wait around, we need to get on this.

I realize I am being really, terribly, irritably negative right now. And I liked the doctor, he was nice, and I agree we need to try somewhere else and I agree we need to try to save the money and have it up front. But right now I can't seem to focus on the big picture, rather I am focused on the time frame I have to keep waiting right NOW. I told my husband I compare trying to save that much money to losing weight. I really want to say I accomplished that goal. Yet, I am still 20 lbs over weight and we still spend too much money on stupid crap or are paying for crap we did years ago.

Tomorrow is a new day. Where I get to go spend the weekend with my newly pregnant friend that is family. I am sure that will bring me back in an even more negative mood. And I am also face with do I tell her about all that we have been doing and just come completely heartbreakingly clean on all fronts? I am sure they have an idea about some things we just haven't confirmed it. But truth of the matter is that if we have to do all this we will have to tell everyone anyway. So why not start now?

I wish God could whisper in my ear exactly what to do.


  1. Oh sweetie,
    first-- breathe--you are ok. the swirl of emotions you are in is reasonable and warranted. This costs a shitload, and it is a huge financial commitment and gosh that is daunting.
    And if you are not ready to be done, then you just aren't.
    Now that Dr S says try again with another lab you can-- and it does not have to be CCRM-- you can probably do two cycles elsewhere for the same cost (I know, i am considering them too)-- and also there may be research groups or scholarships (I found a few but did not qualify)-- you are so smart knowing your own financial habits. Many folks don't.
    So at least you know what you are working with or against.

    Second, about the weekend, come clean, for goodness' sake. Share your story. Let her know what is happening and you will feel such relief I promise, even if she has no idea what to say or says the wrong things.

    Wishing you all good things, Kate

  2. I'm so sorry you didn't get better news and so wish I had answers. We are in debt over our heads after 5 IVFs, it just sucks. Hoping that things work out somehow!

  3. this is a lot to take have to really consider what would be best for you and what you would really be able to do. like if it is really not feasible to sell your house and live on one income, what else could you do? i know it's tough. :(


  4. I'm sorry to hear that the consult left you in such a state of emotions. I had a consult scheduled with C.CRM as well, but canceled it as I just wasn't ready to hear what they had to say at that point. If this next cycle doesn't work, we'll probably at least make the phone call.

    The money part of this is so hard. It's impossible to say from the outside(and probably presumptuous of me to even try), but if your husband suggested selling the house and making a major financial sacrifice to fund the IVFs, it sounds to me like he's still in it with you. I know what you mean though when you say it's hard to know. I can't tell with my husband either...sometimes he talks like we'll just keeping trying IVF forever until it works (which is NOT my thought - eventually, we'll have to move on) while other times he seems to think that despite 40 eggs, 7 embryos (with ICSI and AH), and no pregnancy, we could still get pregnant naturally. I think it's just really hard for them as well.

    I wish you peace and clarity.