no reason to worry = must worry anyway

My mind is everywhere today, I didn't really have the energy to think of a good title. Sorry.

I really don't know how to describe today's appointment. Technically it went fine. But I just have this weird feeling about it, like they left me hanging and I don't know what to expect now. I hate that feeling. I guess my stims have caught up with me emotionally finally, even though I thought I was doing so well to keep it all together.

So the ultrasound today showed 25+ follies on each ovary. In all actuality, I think he actually counted about 30, but I will say 25 to be conservative in case I was just in shock. And I don't have any measurements. I was pretty much taken aback by THAT many on EACH ovary (and not in a braggy way, in a scared way). The last few days I actually thought nothing was going on down there until yesterday I felt bloated. I was actually scared of going to the appt and that nothing would be happening at all. But when I went and there were so many, then I was worried that there ARE TOO MANY. I just can never be happy I guess. I have inherited my Mema's propensity to worry about EVERYTHING, something that has driven me crazy about her for years. And now look at me, just like her. So the numbers should be good right? It is all about numbers. But holy GEEZ. Are my ovaries going to explode?

Also, the whole ultrasound all the doc did was count. He said nothing otherwise. Before he would at least explain things and let me see, but not this time. The nurse said, "well her lining looks good" and he said "humf , yeah? really?" What does that MEAN? It was 5.8 which yes is not wondrous, but the nurse was just saying last time it had taken us weeks and weeks to get it that thick and now at least it looked pretty good for only 5 days. Plus, NO FLUID (YAY YAY). But the doc was noncommittal on all fronts. All I wanted were words of encouragement or discouragement or even an it looks OK middle of the road would have been just fine.

Then the next part worried me more... he asked me a whole slew of questions about my heart, lungs, kidneys, liver, urine, etc and if I had any trouble breathing or if I had a cold currently. No to all. I assumed this all had to do with OHHS and I guess he saw the look on my face and just said these are all things he asked me before on IVF#1. I don't remember that. I am thinking to myself: maybe he thinks I am OHHS. What if I have to cancel? OMG OMG OMG GAH! And at the same it he is checking my breathing and my heart and he is all "your heart is beating really fast" NO KIDDING! (and my Dr. BFF said maybe he was asking because it also had to do with blot clots since high E2 is associated with blood clots, good point there, but I didn't know that until I got home this evening)

Before he left I did get up the nerve to straight up ask him "so what do you think, what does it look like overall?" His only response was "it is just day 5, just day 5" ((shrugging shoulders)) So I guess I should take that as all is well but instead I took it as anything can happen including bad things.*

They also did draw my blood to check my E2 and the nurse emailed me this afternoon. It was really nice for her to email, they had actually told me to call but I was all worked up at work with actual work things, plus worrying about my E2, that she emailed me before I had a chance to call. With that many follies it was sure to be high. BUT HOW HIGH, OMG HAD TO WORRY OVER IT. It is 1540. I had to email her back to get her to tell me because the first email just said to reduce my dosage to 200iu x 2/day. And she said the E2 was so high because of all the follies but that we could reduce the dosage without "shocking the eggs". And that was all.

So my IRL friends and hubby say not to try to read anything into any of it. Obviously everything is OK if they didn't show any immediate concern. I know they are right, but it seems like I can't get through this without obsessing. Obviously it is like I only have one reaction whether I get good news or bad news. And that reaction is freak out! I drive myself crazy! I don't want to be that way but it is as if I can't help myself.

I just need to trust that God is taking care of things. He has already answered lots of prayers just by having means to do this, getting to today with no fluid and a decent lining. And boy did he answer that one about lots of follies. ;-) So I will try to be thankful and not worry anymore until Friday.

So to sum up, slightly reduced dosage of Follistim and ultrasound and blood draw set for Friday.


* I finally figured out how to do that strike thing and I love it.