Get out of the way!

I am ready for IF to just get the F out of the way!  But the truth is will that ever happen!?  Even if I get pregnant this has permanently changed me.  And I don't know if I like that at all.  But I also think there is nothing I can do about it either.

Case in point.  Was invited to my friends kids birthday party today.  The middle kid of her 3 boys, youngest just born a month ago.  I told her I was going to come to the party when she asked me about it because I like to please people and that DAY I felt like sure I will come.   But today when it got time to going, I did not want to go.  So I stayed home.  And I still feel bad about it.  But in my defense what am I going to do a pizza joint with kids games with NO KID?  On the one hand I understand she was trying to be nice by inviting me, and I am also this child's baptism sponsor which is another reason she would invite me, and also another reason I should have gone.  But on the other hand I am thinking to myself WHY did she invite me?  and why did she put me on the spot when I saw her?  She KNOWS what I have been going through.  And I know her well enough to know that aside from the fact that 90% she was being nice, there was also the part of her that thinks I should just get over it.  She thinks that I should just be able to say it is what it is and move on like nothing is wrong.  And I don't understand that one bit.  

And yes, I am totally jealous of her.  She got pregnant EXACTLY as she planned for each child.  I mean planned it down to the T for each one and it worked out perfectly.  And she probably wants a 4th if she feels like it.  Insert jealous eye roll here please.  And her whole like is that way.  If she wishes it, it happens.  Exactly as she planned.  So yes, I am jealous.

She is also the friend who has tried to bring up adoption and how wonderful that would be on several occassions.  All of which I shut her down.  And you know it MAY be wonderful but I am not ready.  Does she think I have never heard of it before?  Gah.

She is trying to be a good friend I know it.  BUT seriously at the same time, she has NO IDEA what this is like.  And I get tired of trying to explain it to her or tired of trying to pretend it doesn't suck.  Because it does and I think I should get some understanding.

GAWD I am whiny.  Very sorry.

I just wish I could have gone to the party like a normal person and not thought once about not having kids.

And also today... the checkout boy at the grocery store chose to ask me if I had kids and I said no and he said not yet?  And I said yeah just not yet.  Then he goes ONNNNNNnnnnn to say well you look pretty young so you will probably still have them.  I said yeah lets go with that.  And he chooses to KEEP talking (omg) and say well you want kids right or did you decide to not have them?  DUDE, just check my groceries and let me pay!  

Sensitive much today? oh yeah