What CD is this? Lets just call it Stim Day 1.

I am thoroughly confused what cycle day I am on... and I should know this stuff... but this is why I am not sure:

I am confused because Tuesday I took my last BC pill and my instructions say that I may or may not bleed and not to call either way. It didn't say you may or may not have your period or anything about a Cycle Day 1. So is today CD 3 or CD1? I guess I will just go with Stim Day 1 or SD1.

I had my baseline ultrasound Thursday. It was moved from Friday because of the doctors schedule. I rolled with the flow (after permission from CO of course!). During my ultrasound my local doc said my lining was very very super thin so I figured I definitely wouldn't have any bleeding or period or whatever. But let me just give you TMI, and say that I have been having quite the bleed on Fri/Sat/Sun morning. More than I would have expected if my lining were as super thin as she made it seem. I have not been sure whether I should be concerned or not. So I have gone with NOT. She didn't tell me a lining measurement so... anywho... I know that usually the first day of your period is CD1 but was that just considered residual bleeding or a period? As I said I am confused!

Friday I had my labs done and everything was faxed to the 303 (CO). And after some further momentary panic confusion, I got the green light from the nurse. She said my hormone levels "were sufficiently low" and I just passed on asking exactly what they were. Had I asked I would just worry over them. Sometimes ignorance is bliss in this process.

So today was the first day of stims. They didn't go super smoothly but I figure its the first day and even if I messed up it will end up OK. When I did my meno.pur in the morning I had a big air bubble that NO matter what I did it would not go away and I think I wasted a good amount of medicine trying to get it to go away. This evening I was trying to figure out the go.nal f pen and I struggled with that too! I am still uncertain if I even got ANYTHING at all. But I think part of this is that my doses are really low right now and it just wasn't as much as I was used to giving myself.

My dosages are pretty low right now. 75 amps in the am and 75 units in the pm. SUPER low, right? At first glance of this protocol I was very happy about the slow start. I think with PCOS it makes sense to start really slow and let the leaders start leading. BUT now that I am actually here in this moment in time I worry it isn't enough to make anything AT ALL HAPPEN. But I am going to trust it. Because truthfully, I have 10 days of this and time to make up for it if we get off to a slow or NO start.

I am trying to be chill. I hope I have succeeded this past week and weekend. I am going to pat myself on the back because I could have freaked out several times.... change of doctor appointment that was changed THREE times... I rolled with it. Unexpected bleeding... rolled with it again. Fumbling with my shots... we're good. Now lets just hope this trend continues. The more hormones get in my system, the less I expect the roll to work. But we will see.

M-W I am on the 75 amps Me.nop.ur in the morning and 75 units gon.a.l f in the evening. Wednesday follicle count and blood work. Thursday drive to the mountains and really get this adventure started.

Ok, I guess I am a little excited :-) after all.

I guess this is for real?

My meds shipped tonight.  Gotta pick em up from Fed Ex tomorrow.  Baseline ultrasound and blood work Friday.

My dad called to talk.  My mom and sis are out of town so I guess he just wanted to say hi.  Love it when it calls just to chat.  He also wanted to see if I was excited to get started and head to CO.  Oddly I am not.  I think he is excited which is cute.  But I just said I am not excited about it as much because if it doesn't work then I know I will be sad.  And also work is on my mind and I am scared about being gone that long. I am really scared if this doesn't work.  I have been thinking for SO long if only I could go to Colorado.  Now it is here and I just fear failure and what that will mean.

I know I should be more positive.  I drive my husband crazy with my negativity.  But I keep thinking back to those other cycles.  I barely had ANY blasts and never anything to even freeze.  That is scary.  I know, some people didn't even get an egg or some people didn't even make embryos and it only takes one.  But it is really hard sometimes to think positive things when we've done this twice already with no luck.  I really hope that when we get to CO that some excitement kicks in.  The doctor was very confident when were there.  But I just am waiting for what's going to be the thing that goes wrong this time.  And I swear if that doctor says "you are a tough case my dear" to me I might SCREAM.  Because I have heard that too many times already.  

Also, at dinner tonight, my uterus was doing some weird jump jump jump crazy jump pulse or something.  WHAT the heck was that?  I don't understand what that would even be and it freaked me out.

Good lord I am glad tonight is my last BC pill.  I think that stuff has had me on a serious ride.

Random

So last nights post needs to go.

And I have been having ideas for random things to post. So instead of posting them all separately, how about a List?

• In preparation for my upcoming cycle I have been lurking on many new blogs. I find comfort in finding them. But I haven't left any comments or anything so how can I expect them to find me? I am so silly about actually leaving comments. I want people to find my blog but then I don't.

• I find it interesting that at my new job no one has children. 3 are young and not yet married, my big boss and his wife never had children, my other boss is about to be 40 and has never married so she doesn't plan to have kids, another coworker is older and never had kids although she has fur babies and step kids through her husband, and my other in her upper 30's coworker is not going to have kids (not sure if by choice or circumstance). I just wonder what this should be telling me. God, what are you trying to say? Perhaps that I will be OK? I do see that they are all perfectly fine and happy people even though they don't have kids. It's definitely another way to look at this whole situation. I just wonder what they would also say if they knew what I was doing?

• It seems like I have been waiting and waiting and waiting for this time to get here. July 2010. And now it is here and I am all - Wow It's Going Too Fast! I haven't take time to figure stuff out yet. I am always a bundle of contradiction.

• I still don't have my ultrasound appointments for July 16 and 22 with my local doctor. It's kinda annoying to me that they haven't called me back. Hopefully they will call Monday or Tuesday. I am sure Tuesday because I will be out of town at a work meeting where I more than likely will miss their call or not be able to take it anyway. Blah.

• We have had no luck with securing financing other than using our CC for this cycle. It is frustrating. 3 years ago people couldn't wait to give away money. But these days it's on lock down. I suppose I should be happy we have a high enough credit limit to pay for this on a card. We have a solid plan to pay it off within a year so I do feel somewhat OK with putting it on a Credit Card. You do what you gotta do.... It would kill me to wait another year to save it first.

• I think my sister (and her BF) and my BIL (and his very NEW GF) might each get engaged soon. I feel weird about both of them getting Married. I do not know why, but it is just something to get used to for sure. I wonder if that is how they felt before DH and I got married? Or is it just me?

I think that is all of the randomness I have for today.

ALSO: Happy 4th of July to all!! Thank you God for this great nation we live in. We are truly blessed more than we often acknowledge. Thank you to all those that have fought and continue to fight for our freedom and protection.

Get out of the way!

I am ready for IF to just get the F out of the way!  But the truth is will that ever happen!?  Even if I get pregnant this has permanently changed me.  And I don't know if I like that at all.  But I also think there is nothing I can do about it either.

Case in point.  Was invited to my friends kids birthday party today.  The middle kid of her 3 boys, youngest just born a month ago.  I told her I was going to come to the party when she asked me about it because I like to please people and that DAY I felt like sure I will come.   But today when it got time to going, I did not want to go.  So I stayed home.  And I still feel bad about it.  But in my defense what am I going to do a pizza joint with kids games with NO KID?  On the one hand I understand she was trying to be nice by inviting me, and I am also this child's baptism sponsor which is another reason she would invite me, and also another reason I should have gone.  But on the other hand I am thinking to myself WHY did she invite me?  and why did she put me on the spot when I saw her?  She KNOWS what I have been going through.  And I know her well enough to know that aside from the fact that 90% she was being nice, there was also the part of her that thinks I should just get over it.  She thinks that I should just be able to say it is what it is and move on like nothing is wrong.  And I don't understand that one bit.  

And yes, I am totally jealous of her.  She got pregnant EXACTLY as she planned for each child.  I mean planned it down to the T for each one and it worked out perfectly.  And she probably wants a 4th if she feels like it.  Insert jealous eye roll here please.  And her whole like is that way.  If she wishes it, it happens.  Exactly as she planned.  So yes, I am jealous.

She is also the friend who has tried to bring up adoption and how wonderful that would be on several occassions.  All of which I shut her down.  And you know it MAY be wonderful but I am not ready.  Does she think I have never heard of it before?  Gah.

She is trying to be a good friend I know it.  BUT seriously at the same time, she has NO IDEA what this is like.  And I get tired of trying to explain it to her or tired of trying to pretend it doesn't suck.  Because it does and I think I should get some understanding.

GAWD I am whiny.  Very sorry.

I just wish I could have gone to the party like a normal person and not thought once about not having kids.

And also today... the checkout boy at the grocery store chose to ask me if I had kids and I said no and he said not yet?  And I said yeah just not yet.  Then he goes ONNNNNNnnnnn to say well you look pretty young so you will probably still have them.  I said yeah lets go with that.  And he chooses to KEEP talking (omg) and say well you want kids right or did you decide to not have them?  DUDE, just check my groceries and let me pay!  

Sensitive much today? oh yeah