aware

Continuing with the one word descriptive titles, well yes I am.

So first a lengthy disclaimer. I know I sound really very sad and depressed here. And I really rant and am all whoa is me and look at my poor situation. And I don't think of myself as being that way in real life. Or I don't perceive myself to be that way, maybe others could tell you differently. I sometimes feel odd, bad, embarrassed, afraid, confused and other things about what I post here. But it's my place to do that. And many people IRL say I apologize WAY too much already. So I won't say I am sorry. I will just say this is my place I let out frustrations. And if you were all sick of reading I would absolutely understand. I guess I feel like saying this in part because I notice that a "follower" had taken themselves off and I was like why did they do that? and well they probably were tired of reading this shmack. I understand completely. I absolutely do. But I still need a place to get it out and if it no one reads then at least I have it out of my head. To hopefully stay out of my mind so that I can move on.

On the outside IRL, I try to seem like I am not bothered by most things. People are annoying - not a problem, they are who they are. Things at work are stupid, who cares, I just work here. I can't change it, just roll with it. I let things go and say whatever to them. Then eventually the situation BUILDs UP. And then I am mad and I am unhappy and think to myself HOW in the hell did I get here? Everything was just fine 5 minutes ago. Why am I upset now? (and others are looking at themselves going - why is she upset now too) I have NO REASON to be upset or annoyed or perturbed. People don't like people who are negative or complain. Or people who complain and then DO NOTHING. I certainly don't like those people. But sadly in some cases I am just exactly that person.

I really am so annoyed with my job.

And I have been there before.

And I have done nothing about it.

I feel this loyalty to where I am. I get ample vacation and sick time. My bosses praise me for the most part. No questions really asked when I need to be off for doctor stuff. My coworkers like me, as far as I know, and they stop by to chat all the time. I am close friends with many of them. But honestly. I can't stand working there anymore. And if anyone else I new (if my husband for example) complained and bitched and moaned as much as I do about it I would say to them - what are you going to do about it? DO SOMETHING. But I am very aware that I am not doing anything about it. And somehow eventually it will pass and I will be content again. Content with the status quo. This has not been me in the past. But it is somehow me now and I am acutely aware.

I am also aware that I can't DO anything infertility wise at the moment. Is that the thing that keeps me where I am? scared I can't do anything else because I would compromise that? or just too chicken to see IF I could do something else? What a risk to move to another job and what audacity to think I can even get another one in this economic climate? These are the things I am aware of right now.

My husband is a great man who has accomplished a lot and who I love. There are many times where he asks me why I love him and I have an extremely hard time (oddly) telling him WHY and giving concrete examples. I mean I just do without explanation. But there are times when I know why and I wish I could grab a note pad and right it down really quickly so later I can tell him. Well tonight were a few. He said he felt out of place with any group of people he is with sometimes because he is not wholly and solely one type of person but can blend with most groups and contribute with different sides of his personality. But he doesn't feel like he ever fits in with one specific group. I feel the same way! But with him I feel like I fit exactly. And that is why I love him.

Another thing, this weekend I was at the friends house I mentioned (yes I did tell her and it was way more anticlimactic than you (or I) would think, will have to post separately over that) and she had some other friends over. They kept going on about their brothers girlfriend and how they didn't like her (for some good reasons I might add). And how in the world would you want to spend every minute with your significant other ALL the time. I agree in part - girl time is excellent, I love it and most certainly enjoy it. But I love to be with my husband. I feel the best when I am with him, the most at ease and just like me. And that is another reason I love him. That he can offer that to me is amazing to me. And to offer it unconditionally for the past 7 years is incredible.

Another reason for my love -- he believes in me. He thinks I can do something bigger and something better than my job now and says so when I complain. He wants the best for me if only I will reach for it. If only I can become aware enough to figure out what that thing is that I want to do. That I would want to wake up every single day and do. I know a lot of people out there don't do exactly what they want to do every day - but there are those who DO actually know and do specifically what they set out to do. And I really want to know how that feels one day.

Today was one of those days where there was acute awareness - what am I doing, why am I here, where am I going? But what will I do to answer these things? Ah, if I only had all the answers to career and family. Now that would be something.

consult

I have a thing for one word titles these days.
{and I thought I would try out a new font...}

~~~warning really terribly rambly and exceptionally ranty edition~~~

So we had our consult with C.CR.M last night. I really don't know what to say about it, it left me in a weird place to some degree. I had finally kinda got in the groove of just trying to enjoy my life and not worry and constantly think of this infertility crap and have hope and patience that some day it will happen for us. But in light of the recent announcement in the family I am feeling blue. And so I thought the consult would help that and now it kinda also left me feeling blue.

So we talked to the infamous Dr. Sch.oolc.raft and he was very nice. I summed up our history and all that and it basically boils down to we don't know if my eggs are good and we don't know if there are chromosomal issues. But he does think it is best to try at one more lab before we give up or move on to possibly donor eggs. I knew he was going to say donor eggs, I just KNEW it. GAH. Not that I have a problem with DEs really I just don't know if it is for me or what my husband thinks about it. BLAH BLAH move on to the part where he says that obviously something is very wrong if you only get 2 blasts out of however many (31 but who is counting!?) eggs over 2 cycles. How about some truth for you? You didn't want to hear the truth? Well too bad. So there it was, I could barely talk after that. Like what do you say to that, the man is quite obviously right but I don't want him to be right. I wanted him to say come on up here and we can make you preggo!!!! Yeah, as we all know that didn't happen.

He is not a fan of the ovarian drilling but I knew that was coming too. It would not mean they would not treat us but he wasn't sure how that might possibly affect the Shared Risk Financing which is through a third party and they decide who they will or will not accept.

So then aside from we don't know if you can even make good healthy embryos, there is the cost of the whole damn thing. Which we have no money for and I have no ideas of how to get. So husband goes into thinking mode and I am just still in my quiet place of I don't know what to do but I want to DO IT despite all logical thinking.

So his idea - sell our house and live only on his salary while saving mine for the IVF starting in September. In theory a very good plan. But I want to say to him - have you met us? The two of us? We can't even keep to our own 'allowances' under control each month. And you want us to try one salary? I do think he is right that it could work, however I just think we will get into the middle of it and he will get frustrated, which will frustrate ME, and we won't save a dime.

Also I can't tell if the husband may be ready to give up. Which is NOT a place where I am currently. People spend lots and lots of money on very stupid, stupid things all the time and this is not even a STUPID thing but it does cost lots and lots of money. And I know he is right that we don't need to go into more debt, but damn it all, that means I have to wait some MORE and what if in the mean time something ELSE bad happens that affects my (in)fertility? I can't wait around, we need to get on this.

I realize I am being really, terribly, irritably negative right now. And I liked the doctor, he was nice, and I agree we need to try somewhere else and I agree we need to try to save the money and have it up front. But right now I can't seem to focus on the big picture, rather I am focused on the time frame I have to keep waiting right NOW. I told my husband I compare trying to save that much money to losing weight. I really want to say I accomplished that goal. Yet, I am still 20 lbs over weight and we still spend too much money on stupid crap or are paying for crap we did years ago.

Tomorrow is a new day. Where I get to go spend the weekend with my newly pregnant friend that is family. I am sure that will bring me back in an even more negative mood. And I am also face with do I tell her about all that we have been doing and just come completely heartbreakingly clean on all fronts? I am sure they have an idea about some things we just haven't confirmed it. But truth of the matter is that if we have to do all this we will have to tell everyone anyway. So why not start now?

I wish God could whisper in my ear exactly what to do.

better

Ok that last post was so HORRIBLE but was true to what I was feeling at the moment.

They came, I lived, it was fine. What can I do? I can't do anything about it. They want me to be OK and I get that. But it is just hard and especially when I just want it to be easy. I don't want it to be awkward for them. And I don't want to feel awkward either. We didn't discuss it at length because we were going out so I said I wanted to talk about it later though. I just didn't want to get all worked up and ruin the night. I will be going next weekend to see her anyway and we will be alone so I just figured we could talk more then.

I mean how much should I explain? I feel like I want to talk about it, but will I somehow hurt her feelings possibly? I don't want to do that. I just want to explain that as hard as it is and will be to hear everything I want to be part of it all. Does that even make sense? And she doesn't want to hurt MY feelings. So I feel like we will be in one big don't make anyone feel bad circle.

I think the fear and anticipation of seeing them was worse than the actual visit. The visit was normal. I am also having a hard time imagining her pregnant. I don't know what that is... I guess I just want to know how that feels and with IF preggers I get all the details on their blogs. But with people who just get pregnant easy you don't tend to get all those details, know what I mean?

Sometimes I am just one big conflict. I say I don't want to know or talk about it, but then I DO.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I really do appreciate it and I know you all understand. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

reality

Our closest friends who happen to be family, as I call them, are pregnant.

And I don't know how to deal.

I knew it would happen.

I knew it would happen soon.

And they emailed my husband so he could break the news to me. She would have called me on the way home from work today but he said he would tell me instead. They wanted to let us know before they tell everyone else.

And I am just so broken when I should be happy and supportive and joyful. And I should have called them to say just that. And instead I am ugly. I can't stop crying. I knew this would happen. I knew this would tear my world apart and I didn't want it to. I don't want it to but I can't stop it. I feel like I can't stop it.

And they will be here. Tomorrow. To stay with us. It's been planned for a while so there is no excuse to get out of it. No way to avoid it. No way to have time to absorb it. To move past how hurt I am that it is not me (again).

I don't even feel like me with how jealous I am. And I feel like I shouldn't even say that but it is true. It is just brutally honest. I hate who this journey makes me some days. I am not who or how I want to be when I feel like this.

I wanted to have babies at the same time. I want to be able to share this with her and be close about it but now I can't. It just feels so impossible. And if our IVF would have worked both of us would be pregnant at the same time. It would be possible to feel normal. To feel so excited that our kids would grow up together.

And people treat us differently. Everyone in the family wants us to be OK and they don't want to hurt us. And I know it. But it still hurt me no matter what. My husband can put on a great face and say all the right things and keep his feelings below the surface. I just want to say nothing because I feel like everything I say will just be wrong and the emotion is right there. It just takes one little tiny thing for it to show. So I keep quiet. And know that that will be judged too. Quietness. Hopelessness is what it is. Being scared to say anything for the flood of tears that could follow. So I just sit there and say nothing, scared some one will see the jealousy and hurt. And for some reason I don't want them to see. And why?

The reality of it all is here now. I kept it away for a while.

And yes, we can keep trying. And we probably will. But at what cost? They did it in 3 months, we are going on 6 years. Reality is so unfair. And it will be one year at the very least before we can even "try" again. They will have their baby in less than that.

And I don't want to feel this way about it. And I don't want to face seeing them until I don't feel this way about it. I know it will pass. But right now it fucking sucks. And I am becoming a whole person that I didn't want to ever be. Please tell me one day this won't be my reality.