Sunday, January 30, 2011

Restless

I can't seem to go to sleep tonight. My mind just will not stop.

We spent the weekend with our family I call friends. I talked about them before and how it was hard when they got pregnant (in fact that post is pretty terrible) and it didn't seem fair that IVF #2 didn't work for us. But I've gotten over it since then and they have the sweetest, lovable little boy EVER. And every time we usually get to see him there are lots of people around trying to get his attention so I don't really push it. I mean seriously, 20 people coming after you? That is not my thing either. Plus, he is usually a pretty serious little fella and to get him to crack a smile or laugh can be hard! So this weekend was great to spend time with him and we made friends and then I got extra love from him all weekend. It was fantastic and I enjoyed it very much.

I just keep thinking about giving him a cousin and how much fun it is going to be!!

And my mind just can't stop thinking about babies. And the 9 embies waiting for me. I am just too freaking excited!!!

I took my last BC last night and waiting for my period. I will be back on BC by the end of the week and will add lu.pron mid February. I don't really understand why I need to take it, but I guess just to down regulate all my hormones so they will be controlling everything with estrogen patches and eventually progesterone. I just can't seem to get my mind off of getting the show on the road!!!!

And I really need to be sleeping because this week is going to be hectic. Work... well... that's a whole other story right now. Things are not looking as good as they once were. But since I can't predict the future I am telling myself not to worry about it until I actually have something to worry about. Easier said than done as we all know, but I am trying. This is what I am really focused on right now. And I feel good about it.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Here I am... there I was... I am here

Dear sweet Kate sent me a comment to see "what's up"?  I guess that is the only thing that will get me to post anything new, LOL.  Thanks Kate, I know you are super busy with that gorgeous gal of yours (sooo cute!)!!  But I also notice I have a few extra followers I didn't have last time.  So hello gals, it's been quite some time.  A whole 11 posts in 2010?  Wow, that's terrible.

And while I have been gone, wow, blogger you have stepped it up in the template and font department.  I lOoooovee playing with fonts.  I do not know why, but mixing it up gives me pleasure.  If you read everything in reader though, like I do, then you probably miss out.  I had no idea :-)

So here I am... there I was... and here I am again.   I didn't/haven't felt like writing.  I had a few people tell me that I shouldn't look at blogs so constantly or concentrate so much on my own, because it's like wallowing in it, basically.  I was quite upset when they suggested such a thing because I don't find that to be true at all.  As this is the only place I have EVER been able to find people who understand me.  Who understand exactly what I am going through like no one else can.  And they did agree that I was partially right, that it was good to have a place for me to get it allll out.  But, maybe I should try to do some other things too besides be on the computer all the time.  I thought about what they said.  Was there truth that this constant search I was always on for the "answer" was wearing me out?  was it causing more harm than good?  Plus, I just felt like I didn't have as much to say or share.  I was at the bottom.  Much further down that I thought I would EVER go after IVF #3 didn't work out so well at C.C.rm.  So I took a break.  I have still been reading whatever comes up in my reader, but I haven't sought out new blogs to follow or published anything of my own.  Until the past few weeks ... I have been back exploring again.  I almost feel like doing this again might jinx me - so crazy silly I KNOW.  IF has made me a bit superstitious, which is so silly.  I am pretty sure God's plan will happen no matter what I decide about blogging, haha! 

Maybe the break did make me relax.  Or maybe God finally agreed to answer part of my prayers (not ALL of them yet, don't get too excited).  Or the stars aligned.  Or my body just finally got it right.  But, we had very good results with IVF #4.  I had a talk with the doc about all the things I was very unhappy about and got it all out.  And then moved on and it seemed to go really smoothly.  I kept waiting for something to go bad, but tried my best to relax and be positive.  We stayed with family, and lots of people knew what we were doing instead of keeping all those secrets I used to try to keep, and maybe all those prayers combined really worked for me.  My estrogen stayed in check, actually starting low and not ever going scary high even, and we were able to freeze 8 additional embryos.  So we have a total of 9 waiting for us.  They made me do a freeze all because of hyperstim fears again, which looking back, I probably should have pushed harder for a fresh transfer.  But ah well... that was the plan from the beginning and I didn't think I should worry myself over changing them.  So FET it is.

I just received my calendar for FET #1 last week.  And I will be going back to Denver for the big day on March 18 unless something crazy happens and messes up my plans.  Which could totally happen.  But I am going to keep telling myself it is all going to work out.

And I have even let myself believe that I will be having a baby (or babies!) sometime this December.  We've been planning for it.  To prove that, and to have some FUN!!, we went on a spontaneous cruise between Christmas and New Years, because it will be our last vacation for a very long time.  It was a great way to ring in what we think will be a very good year.

I am ready and hopeful for everything that 2011 has to offer me.