So I have been in hiding...

Because I am pregnant.   (!!!!!!!!!)

I just haven't known how to say it here.  I know that sounds so crazy, but I just don't know what to say.  I have seen so many others say that and now I can totally relate.  After struggling for so long, it's hard to come out and say I am indeed pregnant or even believe it myself.  I just feel like it will jinx it in a big, big way.  And once again with the crazy.  I guess I will never be able to get rid of it.

We transferred 2 blasts on July 28.  Finally, after the tweaks to my meds courtesy of MUA, there was no fluid in my uterus.  Just call me doctor.  But I digress....  the blasts fully expanded and Dr. S said they looked "as good as a fresh transfer".  YAY something went right!!  That was after I had to ask the nurse to pee 3 times!  I had to pee so bad that my blood pressure was skyrocketing and I was breaking out in a cold sweat.  Then the ultrasound tech said my you DO HAVE a big bladder.  I was still more than full enough for transfer and you better believe I used that bedpan as soon as they asked. 

Then I laid in bed for 2 days while my husband waited on me.  Best 2 days of my life :-)  He was a very good nurse.

Then I peed on lots of sticks.  Then came the betas which didn't double or increase quite appropriately enough.  BUT all was FINE.  This was my last beef with CO.  They weren't DROPPING, but the 1st to the 2nd just wasn't in their 60% increase range.  I had them drawn at 2 different labs and some of it could have been lab difference.  Then from the 2nd to 3rd and 3rd to 4th the increase was better but not in their range until the last one.  But still they continued with the "we don't know, it still may not be good".  It was indicating something positive and they were totally not being hopeful at all.  I point blank asked the nurse what their problem was.  I get they had to CYA, but it made it much harder on me. 

Then finally... ultrasound confirmed 1 little bean in there and nothing ectopic.

I am 14w4d 15w6d (see still put off posting another week!).  Miracles do happen. 

Due April 14.  Our ten year anniversary is the 20th.  We are looking forward to this wonderful gift.

But its funny how I can still convince myself it isn't working/happening to me.  After 8 HPTs, 4 blood tests, and 5 ultrasounds, I can still somehow convince myself somedays it's not really happening.  But it is!  Only one slight scare at the last appointment because they tried to find the heartbeat on doppler and couldn't.  Ultrasound showed I have an anterior placenta so little squirt was just hiding behind it.  "I was so relieved" is an understatement.  Even my husband says that wast he worst feeling ever.  It hasn't helped with the anxiety.  Instead of remembering the good part - that all was well - my mind goes back to the bad part when they couldn't find the HB.  I just keep waiting for the bad thing to happen.

More news today.  I had the quadruple screen bloodwork drawn Wednesday.  I thought it would be next week before they call with results.  They called today and it was all normal. I am not at any higher risk than anyone else in my age group.  I was asking for more details, but the nurse didn't really know how to read the results very well and she said she would mail them to me.  First, I said yes.  Then I said no!  I don't need that much information.  I am just used to having so much information through everything.  So I am sure the doc will explain on my next appointment.  Which is still a week and a half away.  Sigh.  I basically live for those days.  I just pray all is still well in there.

So.  There you have it.  I am very blessed.  I am doing my very best to remember every day just how much!!!  Work has been really stressing me and that makes me mad/sad at my job.  So when I get home I try to think of all this happy, happy, wonderful stuff in my life. 

Update

Hi ya'll!  No posts in very long time.  Just been trying to focus on other things... it only works partially of course as you probably all know.

Let me see if I can summarize.

Feb/March - Attempt #1 for FET #1.  Lining 7.6 which was not quite good enough for doctor so they add estrace to my protocol and extend for a week trying to get lining to 9.  Fluid shows up in uterus (!!!! this has happened before, here we go again).  Lining degrades after an extra week and fluid still there.  Cancel because I can't extend another week due to festivities beginning for my sisters wedding.  Decide to cancel until after her wedding is over just because schedules are too crazy and husband had end of school stuff to try to work around anyway.  Too much stress for that!  I point out that no fluid until starting ESTRACE and doctor does not think it is causing the fluid at all, but had they known outcome the 7.6 lining would have been fine to work with.  GAH.

May 28 my little sis got married! I was cranky on estrogen and couldn't drink.  TEAR.

May/June - Attempt #2 for FET #1.  Start estrace from the beginning.  LOTS of fluid in uterus this time.  Again say that I think estrace is somehow causing fluid.  Also explain when this happened before once I started progesterone the fluid usually goes away.  Lining 7.8, not much more than when NOT on estrace anyway. Recheck after 2 days progesterone, even moRE fluid.  Get canceled which I am expecting.  I tell them I am doing my own experiment since they are just doing NOTHING.  Stop estrace, stay on all meds as if I am doing transfer anyway.  Have local doc recheck me on what would have been transfer day.  Lining 8.6 and NO FLUID.  Want to tell doctor to kiss my ass. 

Rescheduled for July 28 attempt #3 for FET #1.  Will NOT INCLUDE ESTRACE.  I can't say how aggravated I am.  I am happy I proved to them that my instincts were RIGHT but that doesn't give me the extra 4 months back that we wasted.  We could have transferred in BOTH attempts had they just had the decency to listen to me.  But, I guess that's how this game is played.  They have my embryos so what can I really do?

party has started

Well the party has started but due to MAJOR work stress I haven't had time to think too hard about it.  Which is good.  But also bad because sooo much STRESS.   Hopefully it has all ended this week and I can now be peaceful until my transfer.  And hopefully at least the 2ww after, but who knows!

I have been on Lupron for 2 weeks and started estrogen patches this past Sunday.  I had my first E2 check today and it was 97 and they want it to be greater than 50.  So it's looking pretty good and I keep going as scheduled.  In the next few days I am set to increase the estrogen doses and I have more blood work and an ultrasound next Friday.  I really hope the ultrasound will show good things.

I am trying to be very positive and I really am overall.  I keep thinking maybe I should get back to reality since there a million things that could go wrong.  But, then I tell myself IT'S OK to be positive.  Funny how 4 IVFs will make you very skeptical though.  Very skeptical that things will go exactly as planned.

I try to say little prayers multiple times of day.  Please God let this be it.  Let one of those little 4AAs be our baby.  Or our babies.  Please, please, please.

The only thing that stinks is not drinking caffeine and kinda freaking out when people ask me to go have drinks and then scrambling for a reasonable excuse.  I really hate that part because I suck at lying.  Which is a good thing, but sometimes inconvenient if you know what I mean.

Restless

I can't seem to go to sleep tonight. My mind just will not stop.

We spent the weekend with our family I call friends. I talked about them before and how it was hard when they got pregnant (in fact that post is pretty terrible) and it didn't seem fair that IVF #2 didn't work for us. But I've gotten over it since then and they have the sweetest, lovable little boy EVER. And every time we usually get to see him there are lots of people around trying to get his attention so I don't really push it. I mean seriously, 20 people coming after you? That is not my thing either. Plus, he is usually a pretty serious little fella and to get him to crack a smile or laugh can be hard! So this weekend was great to spend time with him and we made friends and then I got extra love from him all weekend. It was fantastic and I enjoyed it very much.

I just keep thinking about giving him a cousin and how much fun it is going to be!!

And my mind just can't stop thinking about babies. And the 9 embies waiting for me. I am just too freaking excited!!!

I took my last BC last night and waiting for my period. I will be back on BC by the end of the week and will add lu.pron mid February. I don't really understand why I need to take it, but I guess just to down regulate all my hormones so they will be controlling everything with estrogen patches and eventually progesterone. I just can't seem to get my mind off of getting the show on the road!!!!

And I really need to be sleeping because this week is going to be hectic. Work... well... that's a whole other story right now. Things are not looking as good as they once were. But since I can't predict the future I am telling myself not to worry about it until I actually have something to worry about. Easier said than done as we all know, but I am trying. This is what I am really focused on right now. And I feel good about it.

Here I am... there I was... I am here

Dear sweet Kate sent me a comment to see "what's up"?  I guess that is the only thing that will get me to post anything new, LOL.  Thanks Kate, I know you are super busy with that gorgeous gal of yours (sooo cute!)!!  But I also notice I have a few extra followers I didn't have last time.  So hello gals, it's been quite some time.  A whole 11 posts in 2010?  Wow, that's terrible.

And while I have been gone, wow, blogger you have stepped it up in the template and font department.  I lOoooovee playing with fonts.  I do not know why, but mixing it up gives me pleasure.  If you read everything in reader though, like I do, then you probably miss out.  I had no idea :-)

So here I am... there I was... and here I am again.   I didn't/haven't felt like writing.  I had a few people tell me that I shouldn't look at blogs so constantly or concentrate so much on my own, because it's like wallowing in it, basically.  I was quite upset when they suggested such a thing because I don't find that to be true at all.  As this is the only place I have EVER been able to find people who understand me.  Who understand exactly what I am going through like no one else can.  And they did agree that I was partially right, that it was good to have a place for me to get it allll out.  But, maybe I should try to do some other things too besides be on the computer all the time.  I thought about what they said.  Was there truth that this constant search I was always on for the "answer" was wearing me out?  was it causing more harm than good?  Plus, I just felt like I didn't have as much to say or share.  I was at the bottom.  Much further down that I thought I would EVER go after IVF #3 didn't work out so well at C.C.rm.  So I took a break.  I have still been reading whatever comes up in my reader, but I haven't sought out new blogs to follow or published anything of my own.  Until the past few weeks ... I have been back exploring again.  I almost feel like doing this again might jinx me - so crazy silly I KNOW.  IF has made me a bit superstitious, which is so silly.  I am pretty sure God's plan will happen no matter what I decide about blogging, haha! 

Maybe the break did make me relax.  Or maybe God finally agreed to answer part of my prayers (not ALL of them yet, don't get too excited).  Or the stars aligned.  Or my body just finally got it right.  But, we had very good results with IVF #4.  I had a talk with the doc about all the things I was very unhappy about and got it all out.  And then moved on and it seemed to go really smoothly.  I kept waiting for something to go bad, but tried my best to relax and be positive.  We stayed with family, and lots of people knew what we were doing instead of keeping all those secrets I used to try to keep, and maybe all those prayers combined really worked for me.  My estrogen stayed in check, actually starting low and not ever going scary high even, and we were able to freeze 8 additional embryos.  So we have a total of 9 waiting for us.  They made me do a freeze all because of hyperstim fears again, which looking back, I probably should have pushed harder for a fresh transfer.  But ah well... that was the plan from the beginning and I didn't think I should worry myself over changing them.  So FET it is.

I just received my calendar for FET #1 last week.  And I will be going back to Denver for the big day on March 18 unless something crazy happens and messes up my plans.  Which could totally happen.  But I am going to keep telling myself it is all going to work out.

And I have even let myself believe that I will be having a baby (or babies!) sometime this December.  We've been planning for it.  To prove that, and to have some FUN!!, we went on a spontaneous cruise between Christmas and New Years, because it will be our last vacation for a very long time.  It was a great way to ring in what we think will be a very good year.

I am ready and hopeful for everything that 2011 has to offer me.