Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Seriously, put the worry away for a minute.

What is it about starting this whole process that makes me turn into a huge WORRYING stress ball?

I mean I am worrying about EVERYTHING.  Every. Thing.  It is stupid.  I just spent an hour worrying about a work email.  And if I should reply.  I sent an email earlier today to my boss asking about something.  This something has turned out to be a misunderstanding between myself and another person, a partner on a project.  But I didn't know that I was part of the misunderstanding until my boss replied and I got clarification. And then I felt compelled to TELL him and the other 50 people he copied on his reply that I was part of the confusion from the beginning so not all the blame would go to this partner!  URGH!  And I discussed it with my husband who said don't worry about it.   AND then called my mom to see what she thought.  About an hour and a half later I did send a short email.  Gah and they probably think I am SO STUPID AND please stop stirring up trouble!  But GAH!  I didn't mean to have the misunderstanding in the first place.  But my point IS.... why am I/was I so damn worried about it.  In the end the husband was probably right. GAH.  Sometimes   I hate being me! 

In other news... I got my period on the scheduled day!  Woo!  I got it Sunday night as I laid in bed WORRYING ABOUT IT OMG.  So I start BC tomorrow and hubby starts antibiotics.  

I am worried about other stuff too in case you would like to know:
  • I WAS worried about how much meds are going to cost this cycle but I ordered them today and it wasn't completely terrible.  So I guess I can check it off the worrying list for now.  I am sure I will think of a reason to worry about it again though.
  • Our original plan for financing this next cycle is not going to work out, for good reasons that I am fine with, but now we have to come up with a plan B.  Not the end of the world at all, but now I am starting to WORRY about that too.  And what is our plan B doesn't work out?  Then we have to move to plan C (as in the evil Credit Card which we just paid off).
  • I am worried about what happens if this doesn't work, what kind or wreck will I be?  But that is coupled with momentary smugness that this is so gonna work.  I am all over the map.  Then I worry that I am NOT worried.  AHEM.  Ohmygahyah that is what I said.
  • I am worried about how long I will be off work and that it will be during a time that I NEED to be there.  Of course it always ends up that way.
  • I am worried that my husband is going on a trip with friends and he is going to drink TOO MUCH too close to our cycle.  I thought I was Ok with the timing but last night we went out with these friends and I drank too much when I shouldn't be drinking AT ALL.  But it's like you just can't say no sometimes around these certain friends it seems.  And the only other options is for him NOT to go which doesn't seem right either.  So instead I will take 10 years off my life WORRYING ABOUT it even though it changes nothing at all.  I love being so rational.
  • My local doc has not gotten back to me about my ultrasound and blood work appointments that I need scheduled.  Not as worried over that... but just thought of it so give it a few minutes.
I think that is all for now.   Until tomorrow.

Monday, June 14, 2010

I blame the meds

another long absence from blogging... means another listie list....

  • I see some nice changes to blogger since I have been gone... does this mean I can upload pictures easier?  Lets see:  Well I uploaded it and it is not where I want it... flurg!  There we go.  Now it's in the right place.
  • So we went to Colorado and this is what it did on the day of my appointment:

Can you say snow?  These Texans were not loving the driving, but it was beautiful and exciting otherwise.
  • The appointment went well.  Nothing new found, but new protocol.  ONE that I have actually been thinking in my head the ENTIRE time!  start slow and try not to blow my ovaries to pieces!  also, we are going to freeze all and come back later for an FET.  I am good with that as well, felt like total absolute crap after that last cycle so I feel good about the freeze, well as long as we get several embryos.  Crossing my fingers and saying lots of prayers for more than 1 blast this time.  I want to believe we had a crappy lab before rather than just crappy eggs.  But... who really knows until we give this a try again.
  • Currently on progesterone to make myself have a period.  Got some weird rash but think I got it from my cousin's kid.  They visited last weekend and he had a mysterious rash their pediatrician said was not contagious.  It obviously was.  But I couldn't keep myself away from his cuteness so no biggie.  It was totally worth it.
  • I guess I thought about writing because I was feeling bad about something... I hate how infertility makes you bitter sometimes and less open to new people.  Either that or I also hate how (and not sure how to explain this) old age and previous experience with certain types of people seem to make ME less open to new people who have potential to be that type of person.  This is totally making no sense (but here I keep going anyways).  Basically we went on a trip and I had a feeling a new person I was going to meet would be a certain way.  And then I was right but instead of taking it in stride I let it bother me and affect my mood.  Which I now regret.  That really was stupid.  I don't think I was out right rude, but I just kinda shut down and kept to myself.  And I just feel like when I was younger I would have been able to let that go plus I wouldn't have anticipated something like that at all.  ALSO I just really feel like I am a super uninteresting person and that makes me sad.  BLAH.  I want to blame the progesterone for this mood. 
  • And also I am having food withdrawal after the trip.  We had some tasty items!!
  • Now I have to wean myself off of caffeine and alcohol, oh the joy.  Can't you hear the joy?
  • The job is going well.  And they have been super nice about the time off.  I really like my office and the people there.  That is helpful. The work is intermittently boring and the really super busy/stressful/crazy.  The only drawback is now (as in every job I have had since graduating in 2001 which was ALSO a recession although MINOR comparably I know) they are now talking 15% budget cut.  (it's still no where as bad as most of the country though so I DO DO DO totally still count my absolute wonderful blessings!!!)  I do have days where I just totally miss my previous coworkers though.  I have these moments of realization where I say to myself "I really left them, they are like family, how could I ever do that?".  But then one of them emails me all stressed out or ranty about something and then I remember, it's not them I left - it's the crazy work I left behind!
  • Maybe these blogger changes are because I changed to Blogger in Draft?  If you haven't tried it yet, you should.  It's fun and much easier to use.
  • Since I am closer to cycling hopefully you will be hearing from me more often, but I make no promises :-)
I leave you with one more picture of Colorado... we drove up to Vail BEFORE all that snow hit. It was beautiful and filled with rich people.  I should have solicited one to sponsor my medical bills...