A few things

Bullet LIST!! aren't you excited? (mostly job related now that I am finished compiling it)

1. Happy Valentine's Day!
   
   
2. I have been at my new job for two weeks now. I love love love what they do and it is very exciting. It is really awesome to hear what they are doing and I actually am able to contribute right away while learning at the same time. But it is stressful, stressful, stressful. And all we do is go into meetings and when am I supposed to actually do the work? I think I put a lot of stress on myself more than anything. I am working directly with some high level people in the organization and I am not used to that. They are very intimidating. And I came from a place that was very in the box if you know I mean? Here it is very outside the box! There is no box, what is a box? I know I can do it but it takes constant cheer leading to myself. I must repeat "you can handle this" about 50 times per day. I would be a heaping ball of tears otherwise. And also - I have to consciously tell myself not to say "I am sorry" over and over. It is a bad habit I have. GAH
   
   
3. Stress has led to a mega freaking painful knot in my back. I notice I get those anyway, even at my old job, but Friday I got a serious crick in my neck just putting on my coat! Luckily my sister works in the same building as me so I had her come massage my back/neck and that is how we discovered the HUGE hard knot on my shoulder blade. She worked it some, my husband worked it some (he is a wimpy massage giver BTW, and also has a max time of maybe 3 minutes). And it is better, I can turn my head to the left now. But I still feel it plus my lower back has been giving me problems even before that! Like advil every night before bed for 2 weeks. So today I decided to get a massage. Luckily, even though it is Valentine's Day I was able to get in.
   
   
4. Here is the problem about the massage. My husband does not agree that they are therapeutic or beneficial in ANY. WAY. He is thinks they are just a reason to go to a girly spa and have a fancy smancy expensive spa treatment. They CAN be for that but I have not been able to convince him otherwise even though the ONLY times in the past that I have had one is a)when my cousin had a gift certificate she couldn't use before it expired and invited me to use it and b) when I have had some horrible crick in my neck! It is a reoccurring problem for me. NOT TO MENTION that I know when I go to Colorado they are likely going to recommend that and acupuncture for part of the treatment. How do I convince him? I admit they are expensive and I don't want to spend the money either. BUT if he truly doesn't want to spend it then why can't he at least TRY to help me? This is highly frustrating.
   
   
5. I probably will have to go to the office after the massage. I really do like the new job and I do NOT want to complain. However, there is alot of adjusting going on here. For example, they are paying for my cell phone which means they can call or email at anytime. And they do, well so far they have only sent emails for now. And I have to get used to that. I know many people have jobs like that and its not like they expect me to drop everything, but it is just different. I need to figure out how to login from home, some things are just not easy to look at on your phone!
   
   
6. One plus that I love? My own office. With a door. Lots of shelving! And a huge window! It looks out on the parking lot, but HEY I don't care. I no longer live in a cube. Now I just need to find some money to decorate it, it is kinda blah for now... and the shelving is a light light 80's baby blue. Which makes the possible color schemes interesting....
   
   
7. I am a bit worried, after starting the new job and getting the vibe of the place, about how it will work out to go to Colorado this summer. I don't know if that it is going to be possible. I do know there will be MANY questions about what I am doing. I am not sure how to answer. Do I tell or keep it vague? I truly think they think I am having some sort of plastic surgery, likely liposuction!, but that is obviously not it. Even though I could sure use some of that. I just feel like they will think I am Crazy. And I fear they will be mad that if I do get prego they won't have anyone during maternity leave and just all sorts of things. There is no wonder I have huge knots in my back. I have done this to myself so now I must deal with it.
   
   
8. It snowed here this past week! Like BIG BIG flurries. Not at all common for these parts although it seems we have had snow at least once the last 3 years. It didn't stick this time which is fine, still nice to see it. I am ready for some warmer weather. I live in Texas after all, what is up with all this cold?
   

award

Thanks for the shout out Kate. I haven't had anything to write it seems so been really quiet over here. All I can think to say it BLAH blah I hate waiting BLAH flurg. Ugh. So not very interesting.

SO LETS ANSWER QUESTIONS!!! Except I am gonna skip 2-3. Sorry I am just NOOOooo fun!!! I know!

The Rules which I shall thwart forthwith:

1. You Can Only Use One Word! (HA!)
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Your hair? ponytail
3. Your mother? creative
4. Your father? wise
5. Your favorite food? salsa
6. Your dream last night? bazaar and work related
7. Your favorite drink? wine
8. Your dream/goal? baby
9. What room are you in? office/man room
10. Your hobby? fretting (me too!)
11. Your fear? failure, debt
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? family
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? carefree and it seems I am not much fun even anymore
15. Muffins? nah
16. Wish list item? gas stove
17. Where did you grow up? Texas
18. Last thing you did? watched Grey's Anatomy online
19. What are you wearing? longsleeve tshirt and workout pants
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pets? dog, mocha
22. Friends? missing them!
23. Your life? good except when it sucks rocks (ditto!)
24. Your mood? cranky (for some reason)
25. Missing someone? hubby
26. Vehicle? camry
27. Something you’re not wearing? earrings
28. Your favorite store? Kohls
29. Your favorite color? cerulean
30. When was the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? um... last Sunday
32. Your best friend(s)? I don't get to see them enough!
33. One place that I go to over and over? home
34. One person who emails me regularly? mom, sister, dee
35. Favorite place to eat? it's a long list! currently it is Chuy's but it changes day to day

Thanks for having me play. Maybe one day I will have something interesting to say. C.CRM did call me today to "check in" whatever that means. Yes, I want to come over Spring Break but that is too far away so I have to WAIT until after the first of the year.

Until then I am doing baby showers, wedding showers, bachelorette parties, college football games, then head of house party at a wedding, then bridesmaid in a wedding, then Christmas. I live my life to pass the time which is SO VERY SAD. I want to stop doing that. But it seems like the hardest thing on earth. The. hardest. thing.

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy....

If you like country music (which being in Texas are we the ONLY ones?) then you have heard this song. Man I looooveeee that song and it gets stuck in my head. So true!!

So loooonnnggg time and no posting for me. I don't have a lot to say so just keeping quiet. It has hit me lately than in about 3 months I will be 31 and I have done nothing IF related since February. Kinda depressing. REALLY depressing. I really am trying to be patient but still be in the now. It is hard.

God is great... even when you can't understand why or how. I have had such fun seeing some people get pregnant but then some people have had horrible, saddening, gut wrenching losses. I don't understand it. But still, God is great. I know He is. And they know He is too.

Beer is good... which is probably why I haven't posted a lot, heee! We've been livin' like we are in college lately. It is fun I must say! More carefree than we have been in a long time. It is kinda hurtin' the pocket book but for some reason I don't want to say "no we can't go" anymore. I have said that for (GASSSPPPP) six years [5.5 technically to make myself feel better].

And people are crazy... I joined a gym. Apparently a money tree is growing in my backyard. But I really need to lose weight and tone up. It is not only critical for the babymaking next year but also for an upcoming wedding where I have to wear a mermaid style dress. YES THAT IS WHAT I SAID. Let's just say I am short and more than a little curvy and that dress is going look like ass on me. I could lose 30 pounds and it would still look bad. It doesn't even flatter the size 4s!! BUT GOD IS GREAT AND BEER IS GOOD... and guess what? People are crazy! especially brides!! The beer will be especially good the night of that wedding ;-)

Also other people are crazy. Family members are crazy. People that you think are your good friends are a little crazy. And they sometimes, I guess, just don't care for you that much anymore and move on to what they feel are better things or friends or whatever. Ah well, what to do? Not much. The problem is that I figure this out... then time passes.... then we see them again and it is like I have to learn it all over again. Why am I so dumb? gah! I feel that this is a sign that I truly am a forgiving person because it is like my brain resets and I keep coming back for more. This has been a pattern in past relationships as well. What gives? and thank GOD I found a decent husband despite this trait of mine.

I still have not called colorado and tried to make my spring break appointment or try to find out by the checklist I received a round about cost for the work up. Or you know just in general tell them I want to be their patient? I am in denial and avoidance has seemed like the best thing. "People are crazy" most definitely includes me.

BUT I do think we are going skiing in January and then possibly to Vegas after we do the workup in CO. Although I told hubs I don't think I will feel much like gambling after all the money we will spend on that. But we shall see!! I am excited to possibly get to go skiing. We were asked last year but I freaked out because I wasn't sure about exactly when we would be doing IVF and so I said we couldn't go. At least we get a second chance.

Sorry for the very spacey and rambly post ... but that is life as of late. Hope you are all well!

BLARGH

That is a new word in case you didn't know. At least according to me and my coworker. A mix between BLAH and ARGH and UGH and LARGE. BLARGH. And it is not for blog, it is for a mix of all those things I said. Just a really big blah! and UGH! all at the same time.

That is how I feel lately.

So vacation was good. Soooooo. sooooo. SooooooooooOOOOOOO. good. And I think that is why I am now very disgruntled with everyday life. I will take another of those please. Please?

So a few pics for ya. Although I have not revealed any pics of ME ever. Not sure I am ready to do so at this point. I have no idea why. Don't question the crazy ok? hmmm kkk

I give you the port of Miami:

Look back at all the condos.

Pretty sailboats.

There was a complete rainbow when we left!!!

Cabbage Beach on Paradise Island, Nassau, Bahamas:

We took a cab and were let out at a public beach. There were tons of people but if you walked down there was no one! It didn't say private beach so we kept going. The water was awesome. Like a swimming pool!! We walked all the way to the point you can see in the pic above.

When we got down to the point it was amazing. Too bad we didn't have snorkel gear!

Looking back at the Atlantis Resort.

I give you Cococay, Bahamas:You'll have to excuse me... I was in love with the coconut trees!!

I just couldn't stop taking pictures of them!

(and also have no idea how I turned underline on or how to turn it off, haha!!)

I enjoyed this uncrowded beach immensly. It was just right around the corner from everyone else all squished in this one place. I didn't understand it. Other than I guess the bar was really far from this spot.... or I guess people just didn't want to walk that far? just like on Cabbage Beach? no idea! it was beautiful and I was so happy I pretty much had it to myself.

And then the wonderful Key West:

Aaaah yeah, my husband was not going to wait in line to take a picture with this so we just kept moving. We ended up renting bikes to ride around the island. I loved riding the bikes!! might be my favorite part of the whole trip.

Key West beach is not as impressive when you have seen the Bahamas already. But it was still better than Texas!!

I like mine with lettuce and tomato, somethin somethin, and french fried potatoes. Cheese burger in paradise ah ah ahhhhh.

and of course had to have Key Lime Pie

And don't forget South Beach (where apparently I also video'd a necked ladeh... hey I just thought my husband was giving me the regular wierd look!! haha!)

It was a really hazy day on Miami Beach and we were tired. So not the greatest pics from that experience.

I just thought this was funny... for some reason. Saving lives is not really funny but I kinda wanted to see it happen.

Versace mansion

And we would go back in a heart beat. Husband is already scouting a cruise out of San Juan. Man... babies you cost alotta money. Do you know how many cruises I could go on? I know you are worth it in the end. But I will so show you these pictures one day and tease you anyway. Hee heee.

I think also we have decided we will do a work up at CCRM on spring break. And possibly take a trip from Denver to Vegas. Ah the best laid plans, right? Well I hope it does work out. Texas to Colorado. Are we crazy? cuz I feel like people are gonna think we are.

Vacation

Hello! Sweet Kate left me a note the other day to see what I am up to. And I guess I have been taking a blog vacation and worrying about doctor and babies vacation. Well, as much of a vacation you can take from it I guess! It is of course still always on my mind. But I haven't had a lot to say....

I have been watching so many I follow get pregnant and then some with losses. I am so happy for you that got positives and all you are experiencing, that is amazing and gives me such great hope that it will happen for me too in time. And then some with losses that just break my heart. I don't feel like I have words great enough to make you feel better. But I am still paying attention, just haven't known what to say.

Also, I am getting ready for a real life vacation in 8 days. Cruise to the Bahamas! I am sooooooooooo excited and the hubby is too. This will be the first big trip we have taken all by ourselves in quite sometime! Since 2003 I think. I have spent an ungodly amount of money and time just "preparing" for the trip. You know tanning (I know its bad, but really I HAD TO or people would be seriously blinded), working out, counting calories, now this week time to get my hair did, bikini wax (oy! but some PCOS girls, we got no choice!!), and then I keep debating on a pedicure. I probably will, I have alot of blisters from working out. But I hope it will all be worth it... It feels good to think about that stuff and splurge on myself a little. But in the back of my mind I feel a little guilty too. Like I could pay bills or for IVF with that! But you know, sometimes you just need a break.

We still debate what our next move it is in the baby making department. We still consider the ovarian drilling but then again I haven't called my insurance company to see if they will cover that or if they might cover some of the diagnostic testing at CCRM. I don't know why I am being such a lazy bum over here. I suppose I have needed the time off from it all. I feel like I have just been waiting for that moment of clarity where a plan falls into place. I just want one to fall in my lap actually. HAHA!

I have had a recent moment of clarity, or so I thought, on the grad school front. I was thinking Instructional Design or something along those lines maybe specializing in distance education at a college of something. It kinda fits what I have done (during college student worker for an instructional design dept/center and then student worker for distance ed, then first full time job was computer training manager, now grant proposal admin) and also goes into the education field although not being a teacher already might kinda mean I wouldn't qualify for some jobs ... basically hubby wants me to go into teaching because guess what he is doing these days?! NOTHING, he is on vacation. Lucky dawwwwggggg.

Hope everyone is having a good summer. I have to say mine is going pretty good!! and I only have to work 4 days this week. WOOHOOOoooooo!

aware

Continuing with the one word descriptive titles, well yes I am.

So first a lengthy disclaimer. I know I sound really very sad and depressed here. And I really rant and am all whoa is me and look at my poor situation. And I don't think of myself as being that way in real life. Or I don't perceive myself to be that way, maybe others could tell you differently. I sometimes feel odd, bad, embarrassed, afraid, confused and other things about what I post here. But it's my place to do that. And many people IRL say I apologize WAY too much already. So I won't say I am sorry. I will just say this is my place I let out frustrations. And if you were all sick of reading I would absolutely understand. I guess I feel like saying this in part because I notice that a "follower" had taken themselves off and I was like why did they do that? and well they probably were tired of reading this shmack. I understand completely. I absolutely do. But I still need a place to get it out and if it no one reads then at least I have it out of my head. To hopefully stay out of my mind so that I can move on.

On the outside IRL, I try to seem like I am not bothered by most things. People are annoying - not a problem, they are who they are. Things at work are stupid, who cares, I just work here. I can't change it, just roll with it. I let things go and say whatever to them. Then eventually the situation BUILDs UP. And then I am mad and I am unhappy and think to myself HOW in the hell did I get here? Everything was just fine 5 minutes ago. Why am I upset now? (and others are looking at themselves going - why is she upset now too) I have NO REASON to be upset or annoyed or perturbed. People don't like people who are negative or complain. Or people who complain and then DO NOTHING. I certainly don't like those people. But sadly in some cases I am just exactly that person.

I really am so annoyed with my job.

And I have been there before.

And I have done nothing about it.

I feel this loyalty to where I am. I get ample vacation and sick time. My bosses praise me for the most part. No questions really asked when I need to be off for doctor stuff. My coworkers like me, as far as I know, and they stop by to chat all the time. I am close friends with many of them. But honestly. I can't stand working there anymore. And if anyone else I new (if my husband for example) complained and bitched and moaned as much as I do about it I would say to them - what are you going to do about it? DO SOMETHING. But I am very aware that I am not doing anything about it. And somehow eventually it will pass and I will be content again. Content with the status quo. This has not been me in the past. But it is somehow me now and I am acutely aware.

I am also aware that I can't DO anything infertility wise at the moment. Is that the thing that keeps me where I am? scared I can't do anything else because I would compromise that? or just too chicken to see IF I could do something else? What a risk to move to another job and what audacity to think I can even get another one in this economic climate? These are the things I am aware of right now.

My husband is a great man who has accomplished a lot and who I love. There are many times where he asks me why I love him and I have an extremely hard time (oddly) telling him WHY and giving concrete examples. I mean I just do without explanation. But there are times when I know why and I wish I could grab a note pad and right it down really quickly so later I can tell him. Well tonight were a few. He said he felt out of place with any group of people he is with sometimes because he is not wholly and solely one type of person but can blend with most groups and contribute with different sides of his personality. But he doesn't feel like he ever fits in with one specific group. I feel the same way! But with him I feel like I fit exactly. And that is why I love him.

Another thing, this weekend I was at the friends house I mentioned (yes I did tell her and it was way more anticlimactic than you (or I) would think, will have to post separately over that) and she had some other friends over. They kept going on about their brothers girlfriend and how they didn't like her (for some good reasons I might add). And how in the world would you want to spend every minute with your significant other ALL the time. I agree in part - girl time is excellent, I love it and most certainly enjoy it. But I love to be with my husband. I feel the best when I am with him, the most at ease and just like me. And that is another reason I love him. That he can offer that to me is amazing to me. And to offer it unconditionally for the past 7 years is incredible.

Another reason for my love -- he believes in me. He thinks I can do something bigger and something better than my job now and says so when I complain. He wants the best for me if only I will reach for it. If only I can become aware enough to figure out what that thing is that I want to do. That I would want to wake up every single day and do. I know a lot of people out there don't do exactly what they want to do every day - but there are those who DO actually know and do specifically what they set out to do. And I really want to know how that feels one day.

Today was one of those days where there was acute awareness - what am I doing, why am I here, where am I going? But what will I do to answer these things? Ah, if I only had all the answers to career and family. Now that would be something.

consult

I have a thing for one word titles these days.
{and I thought I would try out a new font...}

~~~warning really terribly rambly and exceptionally ranty edition~~~

So we had our consult with C.CR.M last night. I really don't know what to say about it, it left me in a weird place to some degree. I had finally kinda got in the groove of just trying to enjoy my life and not worry and constantly think of this infertility crap and have hope and patience that some day it will happen for us. But in light of the recent announcement in the family I am feeling blue. And so I thought the consult would help that and now it kinda also left me feeling blue.

So we talked to the infamous Dr. Sch.oolc.raft and he was very nice. I summed up our history and all that and it basically boils down to we don't know if my eggs are good and we don't know if there are chromosomal issues. But he does think it is best to try at one more lab before we give up or move on to possibly donor eggs. I knew he was going to say donor eggs, I just KNEW it. GAH. Not that I have a problem with DEs really I just don't know if it is for me or what my husband thinks about it. BLAH BLAH move on to the part where he says that obviously something is very wrong if you only get 2 blasts out of however many (31 but who is counting!?) eggs over 2 cycles. How about some truth for you? You didn't want to hear the truth? Well too bad. So there it was, I could barely talk after that. Like what do you say to that, the man is quite obviously right but I don't want him to be right. I wanted him to say come on up here and we can make you preggo!!!! Yeah, as we all know that didn't happen.

He is not a fan of the ovarian drilling but I knew that was coming too. It would not mean they would not treat us but he wasn't sure how that might possibly affect the Shared Risk Financing which is through a third party and they decide who they will or will not accept.

So then aside from we don't know if you can even make good healthy embryos, there is the cost of the whole damn thing. Which we have no money for and I have no ideas of how to get. So husband goes into thinking mode and I am just still in my quiet place of I don't know what to do but I want to DO IT despite all logical thinking.

So his idea - sell our house and live only on his salary while saving mine for the IVF starting in September. In theory a very good plan. But I want to say to him - have you met us? The two of us? We can't even keep to our own 'allowances' under control each month. And you want us to try one salary? I do think he is right that it could work, however I just think we will get into the middle of it and he will get frustrated, which will frustrate ME, and we won't save a dime.

Also I can't tell if the husband may be ready to give up. Which is NOT a place where I am currently. People spend lots and lots of money on very stupid, stupid things all the time and this is not even a STUPID thing but it does cost lots and lots of money. And I know he is right that we don't need to go into more debt, but damn it all, that means I have to wait some MORE and what if in the mean time something ELSE bad happens that affects my (in)fertility? I can't wait around, we need to get on this.

I realize I am being really, terribly, irritably negative right now. And I liked the doctor, he was nice, and I agree we need to try somewhere else and I agree we need to try to save the money and have it up front. But right now I can't seem to focus on the big picture, rather I am focused on the time frame I have to keep waiting right NOW. I told my husband I compare trying to save that much money to losing weight. I really want to say I accomplished that goal. Yet, I am still 20 lbs over weight and we still spend too much money on stupid crap or are paying for crap we did years ago.

Tomorrow is a new day. Where I get to go spend the weekend with my newly pregnant friend that is family. I am sure that will bring me back in an even more negative mood. And I am also face with do I tell her about all that we have been doing and just come completely heartbreakingly clean on all fronts? I am sure they have an idea about some things we just haven't confirmed it. But truth of the matter is that if we have to do all this we will have to tell everyone anyway. So why not start now?

I wish God could whisper in my ear exactly what to do.

better

Ok that last post was so HORRIBLE but was true to what I was feeling at the moment.

They came, I lived, it was fine. What can I do? I can't do anything about it. They want me to be OK and I get that. But it is just hard and especially when I just want it to be easy. I don't want it to be awkward for them. And I don't want to feel awkward either. We didn't discuss it at length because we were going out so I said I wanted to talk about it later though. I just didn't want to get all worked up and ruin the night. I will be going next weekend to see her anyway and we will be alone so I just figured we could talk more then.

I mean how much should I explain? I feel like I want to talk about it, but will I somehow hurt her feelings possibly? I don't want to do that. I just want to explain that as hard as it is and will be to hear everything I want to be part of it all. Does that even make sense? And she doesn't want to hurt MY feelings. So I feel like we will be in one big don't make anyone feel bad circle.

I think the fear and anticipation of seeing them was worse than the actual visit. The visit was normal. I am also having a hard time imagining her pregnant. I don't know what that is... I guess I just want to know how that feels and with IF preggers I get all the details on their blogs. But with people who just get pregnant easy you don't tend to get all those details, know what I mean?

Sometimes I am just one big conflict. I say I don't want to know or talk about it, but then I DO.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I really do appreciate it and I know you all understand. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

reality

Our closest friends who happen to be family, as I call them, are pregnant.

And I don't know how to deal.

I knew it would happen.

I knew it would happen soon.

And they emailed my husband so he could break the news to me. She would have called me on the way home from work today but he said he would tell me instead. They wanted to let us know before they tell everyone else.

And I am just so broken when I should be happy and supportive and joyful. And I should have called them to say just that. And instead I am ugly. I can't stop crying. I knew this would happen. I knew this would tear my world apart and I didn't want it to. I don't want it to but I can't stop it. I feel like I can't stop it.

And they will be here. Tomorrow. To stay with us. It's been planned for a while so there is no excuse to get out of it. No way to avoid it. No way to have time to absorb it. To move past how hurt I am that it is not me (again).

I don't even feel like me with how jealous I am. And I feel like I shouldn't even say that but it is true. It is just brutally honest. I hate who this journey makes me some days. I am not who or how I want to be when I feel like this.

I wanted to have babies at the same time. I want to be able to share this with her and be close about it but now I can't. It just feels so impossible. And if our IVF would have worked both of us would be pregnant at the same time. It would be possible to feel normal. To feel so excited that our kids would grow up together.

And people treat us differently. Everyone in the family wants us to be OK and they don't want to hurt us. And I know it. But it still hurt me no matter what. My husband can put on a great face and say all the right things and keep his feelings below the surface. I just want to say nothing because I feel like everything I say will just be wrong and the emotion is right there. It just takes one little tiny thing for it to show. So I keep quiet. And know that that will be judged too. Quietness. Hopelessness is what it is. Being scared to say anything for the flood of tears that could follow. So I just sit there and say nothing, scared some one will see the jealousy and hurt. And for some reason I don't want them to see. And why?

The reality of it all is here now. I kept it away for a while.

And yes, we can keep trying. And we probably will. But at what cost? They did it in 3 months, we are going on 6 years. Reality is so unfair. And it will be one year at the very least before we can even "try" again. They will have their baby in less than that.

And I don't want to feel this way about it. And I don't want to face seeing them until I don't feel this way about it. I know it will pass. But right now it fucking sucks. And I am becoming a whole person that I didn't want to ever be. Please tell me one day this won't be my reality.

This is what I DO

Filling out forms for a living, that is.

No lie.

So who has had the privilege of filling out the CCR.M forms? or really it doesn't even have to be THEM, but any doctor office forms? I see ALL of your hands raised.

GAH, for real, can they all join the here and now with you know that thing called word processing? I mean these forms have been scanned in from a copy that was photo copied hundreds of times and then maybe faxed and then finally scanned, printed and scanned again. There are so many black specs on it, so ridiculous!! Could you possibly use WORD or PDF for goodness sake? So that my scratchy ugly hand writing doesn't have to be all over the place? I can barely write legibly any more because I type everything!!

I have seriously thought about bartering for infertility service. I will convert one form to PDF for you for each blood draw. I will create new interactive forms for an ultrasound. Heck for two ultrasounds I will make PDF forms that automatically attach to a database so you don't even need someone to put that info in LATER!!!

Maybe I am simply the only one bothered by this. I will not apologize.

Ok, now for serious stuff. Who really has filled in the C.CRM forms? because the credit card form scares me. I mean I understand its purpose. But at the same time I am just doing a phone consultation. Which they SAY is free supposedly... so I am confused. HALP! do I have to fill it out? because I really don't want to.

Hey there...

So a few things happening on the infertility front but not trying to let them consume me. I feel like I am in a new place about it but maybe it is just because it is not taking up my thoughts 24/7. It is still there but right now is a time to live and do other things.

My doctor did finally call me and he doesn't really have any ideas about what he may do differently (or so it seemed to me). There may be an egg problem but no good tests to try to figure it out other than trying again. I am young so he doesn't feel they are necessarily bad. For some reason my embryos do great day 1-3 and then drop off substantially in day 4 and 5. He said he doesn't believe in PGD because I don't have a family or medical history that points to something genetic and you could get the one good or bad cell in any embryo. So he doesn't think it is perfected enough to tell us anything. So he said we have 2 choices... 1) try a 3 day transfer or 2) try ovarian drilling if we want to.

1) The problem with a 3 day transfer is how in the world would we pick the embryos? On day 3 of this cycle I had 20 dividing embryos, most of which looked pretty darn promising. So it was the obvious choice to grow them to blast. It should have been a better chance. He also doesn't think I have any uterine problems or blood flow issues that would affect implantation. He thinks it's all on the egg quality mainly. But he wouldn't say that I have bad eggs or should give up or go on to donor or anything like that. I think basically he was saying he is out of tricks. He wouldn't change the protocol much from last time. And the problem with PCOS is that you get too many eggs then instead of a lower number of quality eggs.

2) When I first started going to him I asked what he thought about ov.arian drill.ing. My mom has been on my case from the beginning that that is a procedure I need to have. She had it done back when it was called wedging and she had her first regular periods after that. I have just never found a doctor that was willing to to do it because it is consider old technology with greater risk than benefit. Dr. W had said he would only use it as a last resort if IVF didn't work. Well here we are.... I have looked up some info, found some success stories, etc. But I have basically been sitting on his suggestion and not moved an inch. Not sure why. He said the risks are scarring to the ovary and then you have to do IVF. But his point is that we are already doing IVF so why not give it a try? We both agreed that if it does work it is the best solution for my overall long term health. But I guess I wonder where it leaves us if it doesn't work... will that affect future IVFs in a negative way? The doc thought that even if it doesn't bring my periods back completely that it could make them more sensitive to less expensive treatments like IU.I with clo.mid, etc.

Either way we have been contemplating going to C.CRM anyway. I want to go to the best place and try my best and if it doesn't work move on while I am still young. At least that is how I feel right now. So I called and have a phone consult on May 20. We can't financially do another IVF until next year or next summer if we go to C.CRM. Our main questions now are can we get insurance to pay for the OD? if so, can we still participate in a shared risk at C.CRM if we do OD? What does C.CRM think of our situation? plus I am sure hundreds more. But like I said above, I feel in this unusual place where I am just "eh, whatever". And so I feel unprepared to be in these decision making situations because I don't feel like I am being intense enough. I feel like I am not going to ask all the right questions because I am just being too laid back right now. I guess I am just go with the flow right now. Maybe I was finally able to put it in God's hands? I know before I was always trying to do it myself and kept grabbing it out of his hands! And maybe this new place is a good thing... we shall see.

In other news, my hubby got me an iMac for our 7th wedding anniversary. I LUURRRVVV it. I am having alot of fun with it but not really getting much else done :-)

Seriously Stupid

This is just a silly post although the title makes it sound pretty angry....

You know how they say pregnancy hormones make you stupid? or you can't remember anything? Well one day I hope to experience that, however in the meatime, I think I am experiencing some serious lack of intelligence from going through IVF. Seriously. I think all those hormones jack you up... or maybe it is JUST ME!?.... but today I had trouble counting pages in a proposal. There needed to be twenty. TWENTY. 20. And somehow after asking for multiple changes from my poor, poor professor I was working with, I would end up with 21 or 22 or 19, but not freaking 20!? I felt insane. But I am going to blame it on a lag in the effect of all those drugs.


GAHWD. I don't really feel better about blaming it on that though... *sigh* And luckily this guy has a sense of humor. And next week I have a week of obviously needed vacation.

On the doctor front... no one has gotten back to me about scheduling that follow up appointment. Go figure. If I am not cycling, I don't seem to exist with them. ;-) It is only helping me put it off even longer.

Thanks; and then lots of whining

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for your comments and support. It really did make me feel better to read each one. And there is one that I must have hit the wrong button ... I didn't mean to delete a comment from Maredsous! I am so sorry! I did not mean to do that at all.

The beta was negative. I haven't set up any appointments to discuss what they think happened. I haven't felt up to it yet. I don't even know what I want to do next or if we should change clinics or what. I know many people have to do multiple tries before it works. But I feel like our embryos are just really crappy for some reason. They just stop growing after a certain point. I mean we ended up with one blast on each try. And I know I should not complain, some end up with NONE. I discussed some of this with the embryologist (when he called me at home on a Saturday! on his birthday!) and it could be all kinds of problems. Or he suggests trying a 3 day transfer. At the time we were discussing it "intellectually" as he said since we didn't know if indeed I might be pregnant. Ha!

So I don't know if I will be posting much here for now. If/when we try again it will be another year. That is what saddens me the most. Financially, we can't make another run until a new flex plan year. And I think it might be time for me to pursue grad school since this isn't working out. The thing about that is that I don't really know what I want to do.

I have an undergrad in Agribusiness (which is so useful!). So I was thinking accounting. I just don't want to pay all that money for school and end up in the same direction as my current job in preaward grant administration. And that is BOREDOM or it still just not being what I want to wake up every morning and do. That is not to say I am bored from lack of work at my job, I am just tired of the same old crap that never changes. I just need change and new challenges every couple of years. I am hitting my max for having been in the same position for the past 4 years, working on 5 years and there is no room for growth unless someone quits or retires. It is the perfect job if you have kids at home. Flexible and not so all consuming that it would interfere with family life. But it is extremely repetitive, dealing with the same issues over and over that eventually it drives you crazy. Burn out is HIGH and I feel like I am too young to feel "stuck" with a job I no longer like. Without a kid on the way I don't think I can last where I am much longer. I need something more challenging that can offer change and promotion every few years. And now that I don't need any of my saved up vacation or sick leave, it is the perfect time to go.

Any accountants out there? If so, what do you do in a typical day? I hate that about any degree you look at, you can't see what people actually DO all day. You just get all this academic-y mumbo jumbo BIG WORDs stuff. I find myself intelligent, but sometimes deciphering that stuff is really hard and having never held an 'accounting' job, I wonder what I am getting myself into if that is the route I choose. I am creative by nature so I wonder if that is right for me. I thought marketing at one point, but it is so sales-y. And I am not good at sales.

But of course this leads to so many, many more answered questions. How to pay for it (we are still paying for both our undergrads and my husbands MS for the next 20 years)? Where should I go ? What's the best program? Where can I even get in? Where will I work? Will we have to sell our house and move? Do I really want to live like a college student again? Will I have to start out with an entry level, low paying job when I get out? How long will it take me to finish? UGH! The list goes on.

And then there is the guilt of spending money on education and having none to pursue baby as I just get older and older. SIGH (ok, I know I am not that old, but through all the IF stuff I thought for SURE I would have babies by now)

Sorry that this post is just about as bad as the last one.... I really am trying to come out of this but it is going to take more time. And probably alot of wine.