Our Little Princess

Adalynn Nicole arrived on April 4, 2012 at 3:32 pm.  She weighed in at 7 pounds 6 ounces and was 20.5 inches long.  We are very proud, but tired parents.  Which is why it took me THREE weeks just to write this very short post.

Loving every single minute.  We are so thankful!  We totally don't know what we are doing, but she is such a great baby that she lets us figure it out.

Brand New!

All Cleaned Up

Going home

Hoppy Easter!!

Peaceful

2 weeks

3 weeks - This was my going home outfit that was way too big.  But now it fits at 3 weeks!

2 more days

In 2 days (or less) we are going to meet our little baby girl.  I still can't believe its happening.  I love feeling her kick.  It is the most amazing feeling.  If I don't feel her then I worry worry worry, for all the good it will do.  I will miss definitely miss this.  I really have loved being pregnant.  (Well, minus the numb hands, indigestion and inability to sleep!)  But I am ready to meet her.  See what she looks like and what her little personality will bring.  And to experience all the joys and trials of parenthood.

I am scared too.  I hope I can do this.  It's all I have wanted for a very long time.

29 weeks

Our original due date was April 14, but I will be induced this Wednesday April 4.  I have gestational diabetes, which is under control by diet, but the doc doesn't usually go past 39 weeks with it.  But it's also Easter weekend and she is going out of town, so we are getting to go a few days early.  Which is totally fine by me, PLUS 4 happens to be my very favorite number.  So 4/4/12 sounds like a perfect birthday to me :-)

Praying all goes well and that I will figure this all out.  For someone who really, really wanted to have a baby, I feel really unprepared!  But I don't think there is any way to completely prepare.  So I am just ready to find out what lies ahead.

Happy Easter everyone!  It's also my favorite to celebrate.  We have sunrise service and sing my favorite hymn.  It's just so uplifting and joyful.  Lent leading up to it is dark, but out of that darkness comes such joy!  I think this is the perfect time of year to bring our little girl into the world.

So I have been in hiding...

Because I am pregnant.   (!!!!!!!!!)

I just haven't known how to say it here.  I know that sounds so crazy, but I just don't know what to say.  I have seen so many others say that and now I can totally relate.  After struggling for so long, it's hard to come out and say I am indeed pregnant or even believe it myself.  I just feel like it will jinx it in a big, big way.  And once again with the crazy.  I guess I will never be able to get rid of it.

We transferred 2 blasts on July 28.  Finally, after the tweaks to my meds courtesy of MUA, there was no fluid in my uterus.  Just call me doctor.  But I digress....  the blasts fully expanded and Dr. S said they looked "as good as a fresh transfer".  YAY something went right!!  That was after I had to ask the nurse to pee 3 times!  I had to pee so bad that my blood pressure was skyrocketing and I was breaking out in a cold sweat.  Then the ultrasound tech said my you DO HAVE a big bladder.  I was still more than full enough for transfer and you better believe I used that bedpan as soon as they asked. 

Then I laid in bed for 2 days while my husband waited on me.  Best 2 days of my life :-)  He was a very good nurse.

Then I peed on lots of sticks.  Then came the betas which didn't double or increase quite appropriately enough.  BUT all was FINE.  This was my last beef with CO.  They weren't DROPPING, but the 1st to the 2nd just wasn't in their 60% increase range.  I had them drawn at 2 different labs and some of it could have been lab difference.  Then from the 2nd to 3rd and 3rd to 4th the increase was better but not in their range until the last one.  But still they continued with the "we don't know, it still may not be good".  It was indicating something positive and they were totally not being hopeful at all.  I point blank asked the nurse what their problem was.  I get they had to CYA, but it made it much harder on me. 

Then finally... ultrasound confirmed 1 little bean in there and nothing ectopic.

I am 14w4d 15w6d (see still put off posting another week!).  Miracles do happen. 

Due April 14.  Our ten year anniversary is the 20th.  We are looking forward to this wonderful gift.

But its funny how I can still convince myself it isn't working/happening to me.  After 8 HPTs, 4 blood tests, and 5 ultrasounds, I can still somehow convince myself somedays it's not really happening.  But it is!  Only one slight scare at the last appointment because they tried to find the heartbeat on doppler and couldn't.  Ultrasound showed I have an anterior placenta so little squirt was just hiding behind it.  "I was so relieved" is an understatement.  Even my husband says that wast he worst feeling ever.  It hasn't helped with the anxiety.  Instead of remembering the good part - that all was well - my mind goes back to the bad part when they couldn't find the HB.  I just keep waiting for the bad thing to happen.

More news today.  I had the quadruple screen bloodwork drawn Wednesday.  I thought it would be next week before they call with results.  They called today and it was all normal. I am not at any higher risk than anyone else in my age group.  I was asking for more details, but the nurse didn't really know how to read the results very well and she said she would mail them to me.  First, I said yes.  Then I said no!  I don't need that much information.  I am just used to having so much information through everything.  So I am sure the doc will explain on my next appointment.  Which is still a week and a half away.  Sigh.  I basically live for those days.  I just pray all is still well in there.

So.  There you have it.  I am very blessed.  I am doing my very best to remember every day just how much!!!  Work has been really stressing me and that makes me mad/sad at my job.  So when I get home I try to think of all this happy, happy, wonderful stuff in my life. 

Update

Hi ya'll!  No posts in very long time.  Just been trying to focus on other things... it only works partially of course as you probably all know.

Let me see if I can summarize.

Feb/March - Attempt #1 for FET #1.  Lining 7.6 which was not quite good enough for doctor so they add estrace to my protocol and extend for a week trying to get lining to 9.  Fluid shows up in uterus (!!!! this has happened before, here we go again).  Lining degrades after an extra week and fluid still there.  Cancel because I can't extend another week due to festivities beginning for my sisters wedding.  Decide to cancel until after her wedding is over just because schedules are too crazy and husband had end of school stuff to try to work around anyway.  Too much stress for that!  I point out that no fluid until starting ESTRACE and doctor does not think it is causing the fluid at all, but had they known outcome the 7.6 lining would have been fine to work with.  GAH.

May 28 my little sis got married! I was cranky on estrogen and couldn't drink.  TEAR.

May/June - Attempt #2 for FET #1.  Start estrace from the beginning.  LOTS of fluid in uterus this time.  Again say that I think estrace is somehow causing fluid.  Also explain when this happened before once I started progesterone the fluid usually goes away.  Lining 7.8, not much more than when NOT on estrace anyway. Recheck after 2 days progesterone, even moRE fluid.  Get canceled which I am expecting.  I tell them I am doing my own experiment since they are just doing NOTHING.  Stop estrace, stay on all meds as if I am doing transfer anyway.  Have local doc recheck me on what would have been transfer day.  Lining 8.6 and NO FLUID.  Want to tell doctor to kiss my ass. 

Rescheduled for July 28 attempt #3 for FET #1.  Will NOT INCLUDE ESTRACE.  I can't say how aggravated I am.  I am happy I proved to them that my instincts were RIGHT but that doesn't give me the extra 4 months back that we wasted.  We could have transferred in BOTH attempts had they just had the decency to listen to me.  But, I guess that's how this game is played.  They have my embryos so what can I really do?

party has started

Well the party has started but due to MAJOR work stress I haven't had time to think too hard about it.  Which is good.  But also bad because sooo much STRESS.   Hopefully it has all ended this week and I can now be peaceful until my transfer.  And hopefully at least the 2ww after, but who knows!

I have been on Lupron for 2 weeks and started estrogen patches this past Sunday.  I had my first E2 check today and it was 97 and they want it to be greater than 50.  So it's looking pretty good and I keep going as scheduled.  In the next few days I am set to increase the estrogen doses and I have more blood work and an ultrasound next Friday.  I really hope the ultrasound will show good things.

I am trying to be very positive and I really am overall.  I keep thinking maybe I should get back to reality since there a million things that could go wrong.  But, then I tell myself IT'S OK to be positive.  Funny how 4 IVFs will make you very skeptical though.  Very skeptical that things will go exactly as planned.

I try to say little prayers multiple times of day.  Please God let this be it.  Let one of those little 4AAs be our baby.  Or our babies.  Please, please, please.

The only thing that stinks is not drinking caffeine and kinda freaking out when people ask me to go have drinks and then scrambling for a reasonable excuse.  I really hate that part because I suck at lying.  Which is a good thing, but sometimes inconvenient if you know what I mean.

Restless

I can't seem to go to sleep tonight. My mind just will not stop.

We spent the weekend with our family I call friends. I talked about them before and how it was hard when they got pregnant (in fact that post is pretty terrible) and it didn't seem fair that IVF #2 didn't work for us. But I've gotten over it since then and they have the sweetest, lovable little boy EVER. And every time we usually get to see him there are lots of people around trying to get his attention so I don't really push it. I mean seriously, 20 people coming after you? That is not my thing either. Plus, he is usually a pretty serious little fella and to get him to crack a smile or laugh can be hard! So this weekend was great to spend time with him and we made friends and then I got extra love from him all weekend. It was fantastic and I enjoyed it very much.

I just keep thinking about giving him a cousin and how much fun it is going to be!!

And my mind just can't stop thinking about babies. And the 9 embies waiting for me. I am just too freaking excited!!!

I took my last BC last night and waiting for my period. I will be back on BC by the end of the week and will add lu.pron mid February. I don't really understand why I need to take it, but I guess just to down regulate all my hormones so they will be controlling everything with estrogen patches and eventually progesterone. I just can't seem to get my mind off of getting the show on the road!!!!

And I really need to be sleeping because this week is going to be hectic. Work... well... that's a whole other story right now. Things are not looking as good as they once were. But since I can't predict the future I am telling myself not to worry about it until I actually have something to worry about. Easier said than done as we all know, but I am trying. This is what I am really focused on right now. And I feel good about it.

Here I am... there I was... I am here

Dear sweet Kate sent me a comment to see "what's up"?  I guess that is the only thing that will get me to post anything new, LOL.  Thanks Kate, I know you are super busy with that gorgeous gal of yours (sooo cute!)!!  But I also notice I have a few extra followers I didn't have last time.  So hello gals, it's been quite some time.  A whole 11 posts in 2010?  Wow, that's terrible.

And while I have been gone, wow, blogger you have stepped it up in the template and font department.  I lOoooovee playing with fonts.  I do not know why, but mixing it up gives me pleasure.  If you read everything in reader though, like I do, then you probably miss out.  I had no idea :-)

So here I am... there I was... and here I am again.   I didn't/haven't felt like writing.  I had a few people tell me that I shouldn't look at blogs so constantly or concentrate so much on my own, because it's like wallowing in it, basically.  I was quite upset when they suggested such a thing because I don't find that to be true at all.  As this is the only place I have EVER been able to find people who understand me.  Who understand exactly what I am going through like no one else can.  And they did agree that I was partially right, that it was good to have a place for me to get it allll out.  But, maybe I should try to do some other things too besides be on the computer all the time.  I thought about what they said.  Was there truth that this constant search I was always on for the "answer" was wearing me out?  was it causing more harm than good?  Plus, I just felt like I didn't have as much to say or share.  I was at the bottom.  Much further down that I thought I would EVER go after IVF #3 didn't work out so well at C.C.rm.  So I took a break.  I have still been reading whatever comes up in my reader, but I haven't sought out new blogs to follow or published anything of my own.  Until the past few weeks ... I have been back exploring again.  I almost feel like doing this again might jinx me - so crazy silly I KNOW.  IF has made me a bit superstitious, which is so silly.  I am pretty sure God's plan will happen no matter what I decide about blogging, haha! 

Maybe the break did make me relax.  Or maybe God finally agreed to answer part of my prayers (not ALL of them yet, don't get too excited).  Or the stars aligned.  Or my body just finally got it right.  But, we had very good results with IVF #4.  I had a talk with the doc about all the things I was very unhappy about and got it all out.  And then moved on and it seemed to go really smoothly.  I kept waiting for something to go bad, but tried my best to relax and be positive.  We stayed with family, and lots of people knew what we were doing instead of keeping all those secrets I used to try to keep, and maybe all those prayers combined really worked for me.  My estrogen stayed in check, actually starting low and not ever going scary high even, and we were able to freeze 8 additional embryos.  So we have a total of 9 waiting for us.  They made me do a freeze all because of hyperstim fears again, which looking back, I probably should have pushed harder for a fresh transfer.  But ah well... that was the plan from the beginning and I didn't think I should worry myself over changing them.  So FET it is.

I just received my calendar for FET #1 last week.  And I will be going back to Denver for the big day on March 18 unless something crazy happens and messes up my plans.  Which could totally happen.  But I am going to keep telling myself it is all going to work out.

And I have even let myself believe that I will be having a baby (or babies!) sometime this December.  We've been planning for it.  To prove that, and to have some FUN!!, we went on a spontaneous cruise between Christmas and New Years, because it will be our last vacation for a very long time.  It was a great way to ring in what we think will be a very good year.

I am ready and hopeful for everything that 2011 has to offer me.

Here I am

Been gone a long while.  And it's a long story.  And I don't even feel like getting into it.

Here it is -- the shortest I can make it.

We went to Colorado.  Things were going good and I started writing a post.  I saved it and we went to the mall. At the mall I got a horrible phone call that my estrogen had dropped.  And suddenly it was panic and worry.  Upset and disbelief.  Even the mother clinic can't seem to help us.  And I was mad.  And we asked if we should just cancel.

They said no, and we trusted them.

We retrieved 40 eggs again.  Only 6 were mature.  They all fertilized.  They matured 9 more in the lab and 6 more fertilized so we had 12.

We only got one embryo to freeze by the end.  The clinic didn't call the day they said they would.

We were both VERY upset.  And instead of closure it left the door open. 

I was barely on ANY meds.  So we felt cheated.  I do not feel like my body failed me, I feel like the doctor did.  I feel like he didn't pay attention.  Once again I was dismissed as she's young this will be easy.  And he was SO SMUG when we met with him.  We were SO SMUG ourselves because he was so confident.

And we ended up with ONE.  The same as the last 2 times.  ONE.  I know that is all it takes but we had big plans.  It's a frozen 3BB.

Now what?  We go back over Thanksgiving to see what else we can get to add.  We are absolutely crazy.  IVF #4.  NEVER EVER thought I would say that.

And I know I should not complain.  But I am totally numb at this point.  I don't know WTF to think.

Rewind: Stim Day 100 Billion Seventy Five Million

This is what I was writing the day it all went down hill

Or it may as well be! Well where do I begin? (also BB = Bad Blogger)

Last Wednesday I had a follicle check and blood work. Things looked good so that evening we took off on our driving trek from TX to CO. We spent the night along the way and the next day did some site seeing at Palo Duro Canyon. This is probably the only "vacation" either of us will get for quite some time so we have been trying to make it at enjoyable as possible.

Friday we checked in at CC.RM for ultrasound and bloodwork. Things looked good. Lots of follicles growing. All this time we were keeping our meds the same 1 amp menopur in the morning and 75 units gonal F in the evening. They told us we didn't need to come for a check on Saturday. Which OK. But I just drove 16 hours to get here and now I don't need to come in again until Sunday? I know I am complaining and I don't even wANT to complain. But couldn't we have done that in TX and then drove on Saturday? That would have been 2 less days off work. However at the same time I DO understand why they want to do the monitoring. Really I do.

So Saturday we drove to Cheyenne because it is the Frontier Days there and we wanted to see what it was all about. We didn't go into the fair but drove around and then went by the state capitol buliding and ate downtown. Very charming. Then we drove to Rocky Mountain National Park which was AMAZING! We drove the scenic route and took tons of pictures and saw chipmunks, elk and 4 moose right before we left the park! The weather was amazing and the scenery out of this world. I highly recommend it if you ever go to CO.

Sunday we went for our second check. Still lots of follicles again (30+ on each ovary). Got that WOW you really ARE PCOS exclamation from the ultrasound tech and nurses. Yes people, yes I am. And then more bloodwork. Then they called and cut my gonal F out. Which was a little disappointing but no worries. I was trying to be positive. So we lounged all day at the hotel recovering from all the ground we covered Saturday.

Yesterday was our third check and follies were still growing nicely. My lining looks pretty darn GOOD. Best I have seen. 9.2 or something. But estrogen was like 3,000 something so again no gonal f. Progesterone and FSH have been fine although I don't know the numbers. At this point starting to get worried though with cutting the meds down to what I feel is NOTHING. Definitely not on schedule for retrieval on Thursday although good even progress on follicle growth each day. Just not FAST follicle growth. We decided to go adventuring again after the doctor. So we went to Colorado Springs and visited the Air Force Academy. Very neat place, glad we stopped! Then we went to the Garden of the Gods. Also very nice and unique plus FREE. Unfortunately, I got sun burned! And we were only out there for like 30 minutes! I am very white and pasty though so should not be surprised. Next we decided to drive up to Pikes Peak. First, its expensive to get in. Second, the road is SCARY. Or at least it was for me. Gave my tummy that funny feeling when we got up high so I spent alot of the time not looking down. Don't get me wrong, the view is amazing as you are going up. But we got stopped with road construction. Like going uphill and stopped for 20 to 30 minutes. Did not like. Then we finally got to the top and I had to PEE and was so hungry I was shaking. The view was OK. Neither of us felt great because of the altitude I guess (14,100 feet or something) so we didn't stay long. If I you have a choice... drive the extra 2 hours to RMNP. That place is way better than Pikes Peak! OR if you do want to experience Pikes Peak take the train! It IS more expensive but well worth it in my opinion. It is the only way I will ever go back!

Then today was another appointment and bloodwork. I expect that I will not have any gonal f tonigh either and that possibly they will cut me off completely and not menopur tomorrow either. I asked....

What CD is this? Lets just call it Stim Day 1.

I am thoroughly confused what cycle day I am on... and I should know this stuff... but this is why I am not sure:

I am confused because Tuesday I took my last BC pill and my instructions say that I may or may not bleed and not to call either way. It didn't say you may or may not have your period or anything about a Cycle Day 1. So is today CD 3 or CD1? I guess I will just go with Stim Day 1 or SD1.

I had my baseline ultrasound Thursday. It was moved from Friday because of the doctors schedule. I rolled with the flow (after permission from CO of course!). During my ultrasound my local doc said my lining was very very super thin so I figured I definitely wouldn't have any bleeding or period or whatever. But let me just give you TMI, and say that I have been having quite the bleed on Fri/Sat/Sun morning. More than I would have expected if my lining were as super thin as she made it seem. I have not been sure whether I should be concerned or not. So I have gone with NOT. She didn't tell me a lining measurement so... anywho... I know that usually the first day of your period is CD1 but was that just considered residual bleeding or a period? As I said I am confused!

Friday I had my labs done and everything was faxed to the 303 (CO). And after some further momentary panic confusion, I got the green light from the nurse. She said my hormone levels "were sufficiently low" and I just passed on asking exactly what they were. Had I asked I would just worry over them. Sometimes ignorance is bliss in this process.

So today was the first day of stims. They didn't go super smoothly but I figure its the first day and even if I messed up it will end up OK. When I did my meno.pur in the morning I had a big air bubble that NO matter what I did it would not go away and I think I wasted a good amount of medicine trying to get it to go away. This evening I was trying to figure out the go.nal f pen and I struggled with that too! I am still uncertain if I even got ANYTHING at all. But I think part of this is that my doses are really low right now and it just wasn't as much as I was used to giving myself.

My dosages are pretty low right now. 75 amps in the am and 75 units in the pm. SUPER low, right? At first glance of this protocol I was very happy about the slow start. I think with PCOS it makes sense to start really slow and let the leaders start leading. BUT now that I am actually here in this moment in time I worry it isn't enough to make anything AT ALL HAPPEN. But I am going to trust it. Because truthfully, I have 10 days of this and time to make up for it if we get off to a slow or NO start.

I am trying to be chill. I hope I have succeeded this past week and weekend. I am going to pat myself on the back because I could have freaked out several times.... change of doctor appointment that was changed THREE times... I rolled with it. Unexpected bleeding... rolled with it again. Fumbling with my shots... we're good. Now lets just hope this trend continues. The more hormones get in my system, the less I expect the roll to work. But we will see.

M-W I am on the 75 amps Me.nop.ur in the morning and 75 units gon.a.l f in the evening. Wednesday follicle count and blood work. Thursday drive to the mountains and really get this adventure started.

Ok, I guess I am a little excited :-) after all.

I guess this is for real?

My meds shipped tonight.  Gotta pick em up from Fed Ex tomorrow.  Baseline ultrasound and blood work Friday.

My dad called to talk.  My mom and sis are out of town so I guess he just wanted to say hi.  Love it when it calls just to chat.  He also wanted to see if I was excited to get started and head to CO.  Oddly I am not.  I think he is excited which is cute.  But I just said I am not excited about it as much because if it doesn't work then I know I will be sad.  And also work is on my mind and I am scared about being gone that long. I am really scared if this doesn't work.  I have been thinking for SO long if only I could go to Colorado.  Now it is here and I just fear failure and what that will mean.

I know I should be more positive.  I drive my husband crazy with my negativity.  But I keep thinking back to those other cycles.  I barely had ANY blasts and never anything to even freeze.  That is scary.  I know, some people didn't even get an egg or some people didn't even make embryos and it only takes one.  But it is really hard sometimes to think positive things when we've done this twice already with no luck.  I really hope that when we get to CO that some excitement kicks in.  The doctor was very confident when were there.  But I just am waiting for what's going to be the thing that goes wrong this time.  And I swear if that doctor says "you are a tough case my dear" to me I might SCREAM.  Because I have heard that too many times already.  

Also, at dinner tonight, my uterus was doing some weird jump jump jump crazy jump pulse or something.  WHAT the heck was that?  I don't understand what that would even be and it freaked me out.

Good lord I am glad tonight is my last BC pill.  I think that stuff has had me on a serious ride.

Random

So last nights post needs to go.

And I have been having ideas for random things to post. So instead of posting them all separately, how about a List?

• In preparation for my upcoming cycle I have been lurking on many new blogs. I find comfort in finding them. But I haven't left any comments or anything so how can I expect them to find me? I am so silly about actually leaving comments. I want people to find my blog but then I don't.

• I find it interesting that at my new job no one has children. 3 are young and not yet married, my big boss and his wife never had children, my other boss is about to be 40 and has never married so she doesn't plan to have kids, another coworker is older and never had kids although she has fur babies and step kids through her husband, and my other in her upper 30's coworker is not going to have kids (not sure if by choice or circumstance). I just wonder what this should be telling me. God, what are you trying to say? Perhaps that I will be OK? I do see that they are all perfectly fine and happy people even though they don't have kids. It's definitely another way to look at this whole situation. I just wonder what they would also say if they knew what I was doing?

• It seems like I have been waiting and waiting and waiting for this time to get here. July 2010. And now it is here and I am all - Wow It's Going Too Fast! I haven't take time to figure stuff out yet. I am always a bundle of contradiction.

• I still don't have my ultrasound appointments for July 16 and 22 with my local doctor. It's kinda annoying to me that they haven't called me back. Hopefully they will call Monday or Tuesday. I am sure Tuesday because I will be out of town at a work meeting where I more than likely will miss their call or not be able to take it anyway. Blah.

• We have had no luck with securing financing other than using our CC for this cycle. It is frustrating. 3 years ago people couldn't wait to give away money. But these days it's on lock down. I suppose I should be happy we have a high enough credit limit to pay for this on a card. We have a solid plan to pay it off within a year so I do feel somewhat OK with putting it on a Credit Card. You do what you gotta do.... It would kill me to wait another year to save it first.

• I think my sister (and her BF) and my BIL (and his very NEW GF) might each get engaged soon. I feel weird about both of them getting Married. I do not know why, but it is just something to get used to for sure. I wonder if that is how they felt before DH and I got married? Or is it just me?

I think that is all of the randomness I have for today.

ALSO: Happy 4th of July to all!! Thank you God for this great nation we live in. We are truly blessed more than we often acknowledge. Thank you to all those that have fought and continue to fight for our freedom and protection.

Get out of the way!

I am ready for IF to just get the F out of the way!  But the truth is will that ever happen!?  Even if I get pregnant this has permanently changed me.  And I don't know if I like that at all.  But I also think there is nothing I can do about it either.

Case in point.  Was invited to my friends kids birthday party today.  The middle kid of her 3 boys, youngest just born a month ago.  I told her I was going to come to the party when she asked me about it because I like to please people and that DAY I felt like sure I will come.   But today when it got time to going, I did not want to go.  So I stayed home.  And I still feel bad about it.  But in my defense what am I going to do a pizza joint with kids games with NO KID?  On the one hand I understand she was trying to be nice by inviting me, and I am also this child's baptism sponsor which is another reason she would invite me, and also another reason I should have gone.  But on the other hand I am thinking to myself WHY did she invite me?  and why did she put me on the spot when I saw her?  She KNOWS what I have been going through.  And I know her well enough to know that aside from the fact that 90% she was being nice, there was also the part of her that thinks I should just get over it.  She thinks that I should just be able to say it is what it is and move on like nothing is wrong.  And I don't understand that one bit.  

And yes, I am totally jealous of her.  She got pregnant EXACTLY as she planned for each child.  I mean planned it down to the T for each one and it worked out perfectly.  And she probably wants a 4th if she feels like it.  Insert jealous eye roll here please.  And her whole like is that way.  If she wishes it, it happens.  Exactly as she planned.  So yes, I am jealous.

She is also the friend who has tried to bring up adoption and how wonderful that would be on several occassions.  All of which I shut her down.  And you know it MAY be wonderful but I am not ready.  Does she think I have never heard of it before?  Gah.

She is trying to be a good friend I know it.  BUT seriously at the same time, she has NO IDEA what this is like.  And I get tired of trying to explain it to her or tired of trying to pretend it doesn't suck.  Because it does and I think I should get some understanding.

GAWD I am whiny.  Very sorry.

I just wish I could have gone to the party like a normal person and not thought once about not having kids.

And also today... the checkout boy at the grocery store chose to ask me if I had kids and I said no and he said not yet?  And I said yeah just not yet.  Then he goes ONNNNNNnnnnn to say well you look pretty young so you will probably still have them.  I said yeah lets go with that.  And he chooses to KEEP talking (omg) and say well you want kids right or did you decide to not have them?  DUDE, just check my groceries and let me pay!  

Sensitive much today? oh yeah

Seriously, put the worry away for a minute.

What is it about starting this whole process that makes me turn into a huge WORRYING stress ball?

I mean I am worrying about EVERYTHING.  Every. Thing.  It is stupid.  I just spent an hour worrying about a work email.  And if I should reply.  I sent an email earlier today to my boss asking about something.  This something has turned out to be a misunderstanding between myself and another person, a partner on a project.  But I didn't know that I was part of the misunderstanding until my boss replied and I got clarification. And then I felt compelled to TELL him and the other 50 people he copied on his reply that I was part of the confusion from the beginning so not all the blame would go to this partner!  URGH!  And I discussed it with my husband who said don't worry about it.   AND then called my mom to see what she thought.  About an hour and a half later I did send a short email.  Gah and they probably think I am SO STUPID AND please stop stirring up trouble!  But GAH!  I didn't mean to have the misunderstanding in the first place.  But my point IS.... why am I/was I so damn worried about it.  In the end the husband was probably right. GAH.  Sometimes   I hate being me! 

In other news... I got my period on the scheduled day!  Woo!  I got it Sunday night as I laid in bed WORRYING ABOUT IT OMG.  So I start BC tomorrow and hubby starts antibiotics.  

I am worried about other stuff too in case you would like to know:

• I WAS worried about how much meds are going to cost this cycle but I ordered them today and it wasn't completely terrible.  So I guess I can check it off the worrying list for now.  I am sure I will think of a reason to worry about it again though.
• Our original plan for financing this next cycle is not going to work out, for good reasons that I am fine with, but now we have to come up with a plan B.  Not the end of the world at all, but now I am starting to WORRY about that too.  And what is our plan B doesn't work out?  Then we have to move to plan C (as in the evil Credit Card which we just paid off).
• I am worried about what happens if this doesn't work, what kind or wreck will I be?  But that is coupled with momentary smugness that this is so gonna work.  I am all over the map.  Then I worry that I am NOT worried.  AHEM.  Ohmygahyah that is what I said.
• I am worried about how long I will be off work and that it will be during a time that I NEED to be there.  Of course it always ends up that way.
• I am worried that my husband is going on a trip with friends and he is going to drink TOO MUCH too close to our cycle.  I thought I was Ok with the timing but last night we went out with these friends and I drank too much when I shouldn't be drinking AT ALL.  But it's like you just can't say no sometimes around these certain friends it seems.  And the only other options is for him NOT to go which doesn't seem right either.  So instead I will take 10 years off my life WORRYING ABOUT it even though it changes nothing at all.  I love being so rational.
• My local doc has not gotten back to me about my ultrasound and blood work appointments that I need scheduled.  Not as worried over that... but just thought of it so give it a few minutes.

I think that is all for now.   Until tomorrow.

I blame the meds

another long absence from blogging... means another listie list....

• I see some nice changes to blogger since I have been gone... does this mean I can upload pictures easier?  Lets see:  Well I uploaded it and it is not where I want it... flurg!  There we go.  Now it's in the right place.
• So we went to Colorado and this is what it did on the day of my appointment:

Can you say snow?  These Texans were not loving the driving, but it was beautiful and exciting otherwise.

• The appointment went well.  Nothing new found, but new protocol.  ONE that I have actually been thinking in my head the ENTIRE time!  start slow and try not to blow my ovaries to pieces!  also, we are going to freeze all and come back later for an FET.  I am good with that as well, felt like total absolute crap after that last cycle so I feel good about the freeze, well as long as we get several embryos.  Crossing my fingers and saying lots of prayers for more than 1 blast this time.  I want to believe we had a crappy lab before rather than just crappy eggs.  But... who really knows until we give this a try again.
• Currently on progesterone to make myself have a period.  Got some weird rash but think I got it from my cousin's kid.  They visited last weekend and he had a mysterious rash their pediatrician said was not contagious.  It obviously was.  But I couldn't keep myself away from his cuteness so no biggie.  It was totally worth it.
• I guess I thought about writing because I was feeling bad about something... I hate how infertility makes you bitter sometimes and less open to new people.  Either that or I also hate how (and not sure how to explain this) old age and previous experience with certain types of people seem to make ME less open to new people who have potential to be that type of person.  This is totally making no sense (but here I keep going anyways).  Basically we went on a trip and I had a feeling a new person I was going to meet would be a certain way.  And then I was right but instead of taking it in stride I let it bother me and affect my mood.  Which I now regret.  That really was stupid.  I don't think I was out right rude, but I just kinda shut down and kept to myself.  And I just feel like when I was younger I would have been able to let that go plus I wouldn't have anticipated something like that at all.  ALSO I just really feel like I am a super uninteresting person and that makes me sad.  BLAH.  I want to blame the progesterone for this mood. 
• And also I am having food withdrawal after the trip.  We had some tasty items!!
• Now I have to wean myself off of caffeine and alcohol, oh the joy.  Can't you hear the joy?
• The job is going well.  And they have been super nice about the time off.  I really like my office and the people there.  That is helpful. The work is intermittently boring and the really super busy/stressful/crazy.  The only drawback is now (as in every job I have had since graduating in 2001 which was ALSO a recession although MINOR comparably I know) they are now talking 15% budget cut.  (it's still no where as bad as most of the country though so I DO DO DO totally still count my absolute wonderful blessings!!!)  I do have days where I just totally miss my previous coworkers though.  I have these moments of realization where I say to myself "I really left them, they are like family, how could I ever do that?".  But then one of them emails me all stressed out or ranty about something and then I remember, it's not them I left - it's the crazy work I left behind!
• Maybe these blogger changes are because I changed to Blogger in Draft?  If you haven't tried it yet, you should.  It's fun and much easier to use.
• Since I am closer to cycling hopefully you will be hearing from me more often, but I make no promises :-)

I leave you with one more picture of Colorado... we drove up to Vail BEFORE all that snow hit. It was beautiful and filled with rich people.  I should have solicited one to sponsor my medical bills...

A few things

Bullet LIST!! aren't you excited? (mostly job related now that I am finished compiling it)

1. Happy Valentine's Day!
   
   
2. I have been at my new job for two weeks now. I love love love what they do and it is very exciting. It is really awesome to hear what they are doing and I actually am able to contribute right away while learning at the same time. But it is stressful, stressful, stressful. And all we do is go into meetings and when am I supposed to actually do the work? I think I put a lot of stress on myself more than anything. I am working directly with some high level people in the organization and I am not used to that. They are very intimidating. And I came from a place that was very in the box if you know I mean? Here it is very outside the box! There is no box, what is a box? I know I can do it but it takes constant cheer leading to myself. I must repeat "you can handle this" about 50 times per day. I would be a heaping ball of tears otherwise. And also - I have to consciously tell myself not to say "I am sorry" over and over. It is a bad habit I have. GAH
   
   
3. Stress has led to a mega freaking painful knot in my back. I notice I get those anyway, even at my old job, but Friday I got a serious crick in my neck just putting on my coat! Luckily my sister works in the same building as me so I had her come massage my back/neck and that is how we discovered the HUGE hard knot on my shoulder blade. She worked it some, my husband worked it some (he is a wimpy massage giver BTW, and also has a max time of maybe 3 minutes). And it is better, I can turn my head to the left now. But I still feel it plus my lower back has been giving me problems even before that! Like advil every night before bed for 2 weeks. So today I decided to get a massage. Luckily, even though it is Valentine's Day I was able to get in.
   
   
4. Here is the problem about the massage. My husband does not agree that they are therapeutic or beneficial in ANY. WAY. He is thinks they are just a reason to go to a girly spa and have a fancy smancy expensive spa treatment. They CAN be for that but I have not been able to convince him otherwise even though the ONLY times in the past that I have had one is a)when my cousin had a gift certificate she couldn't use before it expired and invited me to use it and b) when I have had some horrible crick in my neck! It is a reoccurring problem for me. NOT TO MENTION that I know when I go to Colorado they are likely going to recommend that and acupuncture for part of the treatment. How do I convince him? I admit they are expensive and I don't want to spend the money either. BUT if he truly doesn't want to spend it then why can't he at least TRY to help me? This is highly frustrating.
   
   
5. I probably will have to go to the office after the massage. I really do like the new job and I do NOT want to complain. However, there is alot of adjusting going on here. For example, they are paying for my cell phone which means they can call or email at anytime. And they do, well so far they have only sent emails for now. And I have to get used to that. I know many people have jobs like that and its not like they expect me to drop everything, but it is just different. I need to figure out how to login from home, some things are just not easy to look at on your phone!
   
   
6. One plus that I love? My own office. With a door. Lots of shelving! And a huge window! It looks out on the parking lot, but HEY I don't care. I no longer live in a cube. Now I just need to find some money to decorate it, it is kinda blah for now... and the shelving is a light light 80's baby blue. Which makes the possible color schemes interesting....
   
   
7. I am a bit worried, after starting the new job and getting the vibe of the place, about how it will work out to go to Colorado this summer. I don't know if that it is going to be possible. I do know there will be MANY questions about what I am doing. I am not sure how to answer. Do I tell or keep it vague? I truly think they think I am having some sort of plastic surgery, likely liposuction!, but that is obviously not it. Even though I could sure use some of that. I just feel like they will think I am Crazy. And I fear they will be mad that if I do get prego they won't have anyone during maternity leave and just all sorts of things. There is no wonder I have huge knots in my back. I have done this to myself so now I must deal with it.
   
   
8. It snowed here this past week! Like BIG BIG flurries. Not at all common for these parts although it seems we have had snow at least once the last 3 years. It didn't stick this time which is fine, still nice to see it. I am ready for some warmer weather. I live in Texas after all, what is up with all this cold?
   

Hard Decisions

---- I wrote this a few weeks ago but forgot to post ----

Hello ya'll. So glad that you are still OUT THERE. I thought that not posting or commenting on my part probably meant everyone was gone. It is time for me to get my blogger on and start commenting again. I definitely read, but not so good with the commenting. Sorry about that.

But on to the hard decisions.

I think I did the hardest thing I have done so far in my life today. I told my two bosses that I found another job and plan to take it. I seriously can't recall something more hard than this was for me.

Let me think...
I only count things 18 or older, because before that, I don't know, perhaps EVERYTHING had a little bit of the dramatic and so I don't feel that counts at all.

1) Where to go to college - totally easy. I knew and applied to only one school and that was Te-xas A-&M. At the last minute I sent an app to South.west T.exas (NOW Texa.s St.ate) for a last minute back up but a few days later I didn't need it because I got my acceptance at A&M. No brainer. Never regretted it and still LOVE THAT PLACE.

2) Decided to move out of the first place I lived in college. It was hard because the girl I lived with was one of my very best friends since high school. And it was mainly over a boy and stupid money things. Oh and the fact that she wouldn't run the AC or get cable and we had to have separate phones. OK, so it was hard, but a good decision. And best of all we are STILL GREAT FRIENDS. And now that shit is pretty funny.... and she married the boy, haha! I didn't want him, I just wanted them to stop giggling at 3AM!

3) Married my husband. Not hard at all. Best decision pretty much EVAH! (just kiddin' there hun, it is still the best one!!)

4) Decided to quit my first job and move to this one. SO EXCITED OMG THE BEST THING

5) Wanted to buy a house. Ok, I did lament a little about this... I cried a few times fretting about money and if we could make it but overall a joyous event.

6) Decided to do IVF. This was hard... but then again was very exciting. The financial part scared the crap out of me. The needles scared me. But there was so much potential. Admittedly when things never seemed to go right this decision sucked but it still seemed like the RIGHT decision. And obviously so since I have still not had a kid after two of them. Obviously I need some help in this department.

7) Now whether I should take a job offered and leave the people who I love and love me back. Now don't get me wrong I have complained before but it was always about the WORK and possibly MONEY... but never the people that I recall. So this was really, really REALLY hard and I still am not sure if it was he right thing. I guess I will not know until a year from now possibly.

----end previous writing---

So now here we are a few weeks later and two more working days away from me actually having to leave. I have so many fears. SO MANY. And I need to put my trust in God that he has so far and will continue to guide me through this. I so hope it was the right thing. I also told the new job I would need time off this summer to go to Colorado for a medical thing. I didn't say what and it think they were thoroughly confused but they agreed it probably is no big deal if I can try to work remotely. "As long as the job gets done, that is all we care about." Which on one hand was great to hear, but then I have a sneaking suspicion this could also be BAD. I shall see next week. I start Monday.

In other news... appointment scheduled at C.CR.M for March 19. WOO. HOO. I think.... I have so many mixed feeling lately I don't know whether I am coming or going, but things, they are changing and that feels very refreshing. I think 60% refreshing, 40% scary for now. And I SAID 2010 would be adventurous.... so there ya go!

OMGOSH.I.HAVENT.POSTED.SINCE.OCTOBER....

Well then. That is really sad....

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! 2010 is going to be quite adventurous. Or at least I hope it will be. I guess tomorrow is my first call for an actual appointment for the one day work up at C.CR.M.

I should probably be more excited. But there has been so much waiting and so much, shall I dare say NORMAL(!?) that I am really not excited to call. Is that weird or WHAT? Months ago I couldn't wait for this moment to arrive and now I am all "ehhhh. hmmmm. yeah. sure, I guess this is exciting" Proof that I can hardly ever be pleased. Sigh. :-) Also, I guess I have been liking the fact that our bills have been getting smaller rather than larger. And with this it will only start all over again.

Now I just need the scheduling gods to please allow there to be an open slot for a one day workup on March 18 or 19. Please cross your fingers for me. Because if not, I really don't have a plan B.

On another note... I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I have had a nice week and a half vacation and I really would like it to continue. Ah well... back to the real world at 8am tomorrow.

award

Thanks for the shout out Kate. I haven't had anything to write it seems so been really quiet over here. All I can think to say it BLAH blah I hate waiting BLAH flurg. Ugh. So not very interesting.

SO LETS ANSWER QUESTIONS!!! Except I am gonna skip 2-3. Sorry I am just NOOOooo fun!!! I know!

The Rules which I shall thwart forthwith:

1. You Can Only Use One Word! (HA!)
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Your hair? ponytail
3. Your mother? creative
4. Your father? wise
5. Your favorite food? salsa
6. Your dream last night? bazaar and work related
7. Your favorite drink? wine
8. Your dream/goal? baby
9. What room are you in? office/man room
10. Your hobby? fretting (me too!)
11. Your fear? failure, debt
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? family
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? carefree and it seems I am not much fun even anymore
15. Muffins? nah
16. Wish list item? gas stove
17. Where did you grow up? Texas
18. Last thing you did? watched Grey's Anatomy online
19. What are you wearing? longsleeve tshirt and workout pants
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pets? dog, mocha
22. Friends? missing them!
23. Your life? good except when it sucks rocks (ditto!)
24. Your mood? cranky (for some reason)
25. Missing someone? hubby
26. Vehicle? camry
27. Something you’re not wearing? earrings
28. Your favorite store? Kohls
29. Your favorite color? cerulean
30. When was the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? um... last Sunday
32. Your best friend(s)? I don't get to see them enough!
33. One place that I go to over and over? home
34. One person who emails me regularly? mom, sister, dee
35. Favorite place to eat? it's a long list! currently it is Chuy's but it changes day to day

Thanks for having me play. Maybe one day I will have something interesting to say. C.CRM did call me today to "check in" whatever that means. Yes, I want to come over Spring Break but that is too far away so I have to WAIT until after the first of the year.

Until then I am doing baby showers, wedding showers, bachelorette parties, college football games, then head of house party at a wedding, then bridesmaid in a wedding, then Christmas. I live my life to pass the time which is SO VERY SAD. I want to stop doing that. But it seems like the hardest thing on earth. The. hardest. thing.

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy....

If you like country music (which being in Texas are we the ONLY ones?) then you have heard this song. Man I looooveeee that song and it gets stuck in my head. So true!!

So loooonnnggg time and no posting for me. I don't have a lot to say so just keeping quiet. It has hit me lately than in about 3 months I will be 31 and I have done nothing IF related since February. Kinda depressing. REALLY depressing. I really am trying to be patient but still be in the now. It is hard.

God is great... even when you can't understand why or how. I have had such fun seeing some people get pregnant but then some people have had horrible, saddening, gut wrenching losses. I don't understand it. But still, God is great. I know He is. And they know He is too.

Beer is good... which is probably why I haven't posted a lot, heee! We've been livin' like we are in college lately. It is fun I must say! More carefree than we have been in a long time. It is kinda hurtin' the pocket book but for some reason I don't want to say "no we can't go" anymore. I have said that for (GASSSPPPP) six years [5.5 technically to make myself feel better].

And people are crazy... I joined a gym. Apparently a money tree is growing in my backyard. But I really need to lose weight and tone up. It is not only critical for the babymaking next year but also for an upcoming wedding where I have to wear a mermaid style dress. YES THAT IS WHAT I SAID. Let's just say I am short and more than a little curvy and that dress is going look like ass on me. I could lose 30 pounds and it would still look bad. It doesn't even flatter the size 4s!! BUT GOD IS GREAT AND BEER IS GOOD... and guess what? People are crazy! especially brides!! The beer will be especially good the night of that wedding ;-)

Also other people are crazy. Family members are crazy. People that you think are your good friends are a little crazy. And they sometimes, I guess, just don't care for you that much anymore and move on to what they feel are better things or friends or whatever. Ah well, what to do? Not much. The problem is that I figure this out... then time passes.... then we see them again and it is like I have to learn it all over again. Why am I so dumb? gah! I feel that this is a sign that I truly am a forgiving person because it is like my brain resets and I keep coming back for more. This has been a pattern in past relationships as well. What gives? and thank GOD I found a decent husband despite this trait of mine.

I still have not called colorado and tried to make my spring break appointment or try to find out by the checklist I received a round about cost for the work up. Or you know just in general tell them I want to be their patient? I am in denial and avoidance has seemed like the best thing. "People are crazy" most definitely includes me.

BUT I do think we are going skiing in January and then possibly to Vegas after we do the workup in CO. Although I told hubs I don't think I will feel much like gambling after all the money we will spend on that. But we shall see!! I am excited to possibly get to go skiing. We were asked last year but I freaked out because I wasn't sure about exactly when we would be doing IVF and so I said we couldn't go. At least we get a second chance.

Sorry for the very spacey and rambly post ... but that is life as of late. Hope you are all well!